I'm Sinking Fast.

Hey all,

I've been married for 11 years now. I was born and raised in Ontario, Canada. My wife was born and raised in Pakistan (we're both brown skinned & share the same cultural background).

I met my wife when I was in college (she obtained a student visa at the time) and she was in two of my classes. Ironically I dumped my girlfriend at the time (a white girl) for my wife. Maybe 2 years later, if that, we eloped and got married. Her family took to me, but my entire family despises her. The funny thing is, her family is back home in Pakistan and I've only met them once, so it doesn't really matter what they think of me since we continue to live in Ontario, Canada (as does MY family, who hates her).

11 years of marriage, 2 young sons (9 & 7), a house with a never-ending mortgage or so it seems & I'm depressed outta my skull! When we were dating, she was sweet, shy & she always pleased me. She always brought a smile to my face. Now she's very manipulative, controlling, very bossy, self-centered & doesn't care about anything I say or do (Who knew my mother was actually right on this one?). It's like I don't exist and that I'm there only for her pleasure.

Our constant fighting has actually become the norm for us, so we don't even consider it fighting anymore (we really don't). Our typical conversation now consists of "I hate you", "I want a divorce", "You sicken me", etc. etc. etc. and it has absolutely no effect on either of us. We're just so used to it. That's just how we've become towards one another.

I feel I've got my back to the wall. She never listens to anything I have to say. She laughs whenever the topic of divorce comes up and says "Go ahead. I'll never let you go." She says this because she knows (hell, we both know) she'll get everything including my boys who I love to death and she'll still haunt me to my dying day.

Year after year, I gain more weight, sink deeper into this dark abyss called "marriage" and what have I got to show for it? D*ck all. She gets all pissy with me if I go out anywhere, so I NEVER go out unless it's for work and even then she accuses me of cheating. I literally just go out to work, get gas or to shop with her. I've lost touch with my friends so I literally have NO FRIENDS anymore. This is not a gross exaggeration.

I'm absolutely repulsed by her, so I don't even want sex anymore. I'm sure you've all heard the stereotype of the sex-starved husband (I'm sure many of you guys fall into that category; not to be judgemental. I'm just assuming), but in our case it's the other way around. I can't stand the thought of having sex with her. I usually sleep in a separate room from her, although every now and then we sleep together. But to be honest, that's not because of our problems rather it's because of my insomnia and horrible sleeping patterns.

Anytime I think of having sex with her, I see the one person who's drowning me. We have sex maybe once a month and I don't enjoy it at all. In fact, I hate it. I try to make it as short as possible. I've told her this, but she doesn't care. It's like she gets off on knowing she's in charge of me all the time. If I'm this miserable and not quiet about it either, why doesn't she back off or even more importantly....why are we still married? Is this normal behavior? Have we become so warped in our behavior towards one another that the normal rules of engagement no longer apply? I feel like I'm in some episode of The Twilight Zone.

Just a little over a month ago, I was laid off from a great paying job. Since then I've been at home looking for work, while she continues to work her full time job. I've had NO positive responses, just rejections. Now she's trying to get me to work for minimum wage doing general labor. It's not that I'm some stuck up snob, but I didn't go through school and all of that work experience to do general labor and make minimum wage.

I'm so depressed about my marital situation, I often think what it would be like if God granted me some mercy and just ended my miserable life. Ok....I'm done ranting. Thanks for reading.  

YMS1975 YMS1975
41-45, M
10 Responses Mar 28, 2009

@alisheikh7 -- NOTHING happened to me. Still stuck in the same bullshit situation. The only difference is that the employer who laid me off, called me back for work in a different (entry level) position/capacity 8 months after the original post. Anyways, it's clear that my situation isn't going to change so I've decided to actively seek out both an emotional and physical affair. Leaving her will cost me my boys and financially as well. I've got way too much to lose, so I figure... screw her (not literally); I'm going to live & enjoy my life. There's plenty of ***** out there so I'm gonna get some. I've been chatting online with some local women, and yes, they know about my situation. Sadly, there are hundreds of thousands of stupid people out there who knowingly (and intentionally) make their partners lives miserable and it's those same stupid people who act all innocent and victimized when they "find out" about the affair. I used the quotation marks to highlight "find out" because I believe that deep down, they already knew they were pushing their partner to that point but still go through the five stages of grief (you know....Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance) almost, as if for show. Many of you will read this and instantly judge me to be some sort of a scumbag or label this as “two wrongs don't make a right”. To anybody that wants to judge me : **** off and get off your God damned high horse. Okie dokie pumpkin? Alrighty then! I don't give a **** what anybody thinks of me, or my actions. That's the beauty of my new outlook. It works wonders on how I feel. I'm sick and tired of being nice. Nice got me bullshit. The truth is, since childhood we were lied to....do the right thing, don't do wrong, winners never quit and all that bullshit. But the truth is, it's a dog-eat-dog world and nobody cares if you're on top or if you're hanging by a thread. You're just a faceless number in the cold machine that is called “life”. Personally, I refuse to continue to be victimized. Now I'm going to be the ******* she's always been towards me. And you know what? IT FEELS AWESOME. I'll get to live at home, have my kids by my side, continue to enjoy the benefits of house ownership, AND I'll be happy. As for that *****....I'm sure one day she'll see what she threw away. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Just saw the OG post was from March 2008....Wonder what happend to buddy?

GoT 99 problems and my soon to be ex wife is still number one. Were separated almost 8 months.<br />
I feel for you bro and hope all goes well.<br />
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How i figured it is if its gonna be stress either with her or with out her then at least if she isn't with me MAYBE ill find a better situation but being with her is a GUARANTEED DEATH.<br />
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We have one daughter together and I'm paying child support for and seeing her two days a week.<br />
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The guy that gave you the advise of filing for divorce now because of the job situation is on to something. **** taking her money for support but you can say I'm willing to give up rights to any such support in exchange for regular visits with my boys and you not bothering me. Tell her otherwise you will take her for the house and as much spousal support as your entitled to under Canadian law.<br />
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its a big step bro but you only get one chance to live this live. why waste it on a F**ked up byatch like that.<br />
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email me if you need some more guidance on the legal stuff. i have a background in law.<br />
Salam hommie.<br />
BTW this is the first time ever on this site. i just googled "i hate my wife Pakistani" and this site came up. so i registered and here i am making my first post from the first story i ever read..

My life exactly, I'm canadian of lebanese descent, can't stand the *****. I would leave if it wasn't for my son. I love that kid so much, I just wish she was out of our lives.<br />
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Oh another thing is I can't stand her ******* parents.

Let me know if you want to have drinks with me... Sometime... I live in Richmond Hill...

lol... I was born and raised in Pakistan and my wife was born and raised in Ontario Canada... We are both brown... Same story of family issues... Moreover, I sent my parents back to Pakistan (who were visiting me after a life time) because my wife was pregnant and claimed that our daughter will die because of "stress" caused by my parent's visit...<br />
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Now I have a month old daughter... (Seriously, I will wait for 18 f***ing years and get out of it. at that time, I will be 47 , with grey and white hair. If I have a avg. life, I will still have about 30 years to live without her. Not a bad deal.)<br />
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Anyways, Wanna trade your ***** with mine... ****ing ******... Mine is bigger and uglier... I bet...

i don't know what to say, you described my life. <br />
so far she has control in your life. I was at that stage and it was terrible. <br />
You have to find a way to get control. secretely transfer things under your name to a trusted friend. start saving cash on the side (dont put it in a bank) strenghten yourself. <br />
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you are free at home. relax a little bit and set some goals for your self. first one should be to go on a diet. get in shape. go to the gym work out with a goal on your mind. spend time with your kids. <br />
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also you can use the method in which you make her the main source for household. (she is going to try to destroy your dignity but be strong just make her hate you) be the non caring lazy guy who doesn't want to work. anyways i don't know your situation that well and i don't know her but hope you will find happyness. <br />
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contact me if you want to chat.

I'm sure you will still be able to be a good father to your kids, most likely you'll be an even a better father if you got away from her. Some men are like this to there wife's also, it's usually the drunks that are cruel to the bone. It's not just the husbands that end up living with inconsiderate disrespectful control freaks. After ten years of marriage she hates you. Ask her what did you do to deserve it? Mine still has not got an education, has been a drunk and got me and my kids in wrecks, got a $9 an hour job he's happy with, talk about lowlife. The only reason I have not divorced him is because he's just started taking anti-depressants and hasn't drank in a month, and is saying and doing things now that I've wanted him to do for years, hoping things could get better. But, if he drinks once he's getting served. I'm done. He's no longer treating me like crap, so that's nice, but it's still not reason enough not to divorce him. If I don't want to live with a drunk who has no education I mean it. <br />
Most females in your position go to therapy in order to deal better with the situation mentally instead of turning to alcohol. Maybe if your not willing to cut it off with her you should go, it might help having someone in your life that acts like they care. Someone that you can talk to and get sound good professional advice from is much better than letting it out to us. Even though venting is always good. It just sucks knowing your in counseling because of the spouse your with. I know from experience, it can and does help if you can open yourself up knowing it's confidential. <br />
Money must be tight for you know, look into medical insurance though healthy families. It's only $50 a month with a $5 co-pay. And there is a car insurance program out there the government is offering if you have an excellent driving record, it's only 400 for a full year. The income guidelines for the programs are high, like 55,000 annual income for a family of 4 or 5 can still qualify. Hell I have a family of 6 and would fall at low income if we made 70,000 a year. And they say the government needs to do something about insurance cost! This doesn't apply to families with children. You'd have to ask about it at the welfare office or look it up on the internet under Healthy Families Health Insurance. Get the number and call. The stress levels have got to be going through the roof without the extra income.<br />
About your job situation, see someone who can edit your resume, and give you job searching advice. Take a workshop in interviewing so you can study what needs to be done and said before you go in to make sure you ace it. You can always look for another job while your working the general labor job, you'll have a good incentive to keep job searching that's for sure. I know what it's like getting an unemployment check for over 300 a week, and then going to work for a daycare working part time and only getting 100 a week to help make up for the loss in pay. And if you get an interview just let them know how much you'd love the job offer, and only took the one you have at the present so you wouldn't have a brake in your resume and work history. You know your not a lowlife, so don't act like one without working at all. See someone at the employment office or workforce connection who can help you prepare your resume. You might just find something on Craig's list. You could also get another degree online through Ashford University credits are transferable and the a regionally accredited just like any state college is. If you got a masters and a better job because of it, it wouldn't hurt so much to pay child support, and your wife might think twice about what she's putting you through if she knows why your going to such great lengths to gain more education and better pay. Good luck. I hope this helped!

Hey, you may be in luck, believe it or not. You say that you lost your job, but she has hers? NOW is the time to divorce. I am guessing that Canadian law is much like U.S. law, in that whichever person earns more has to support the other for several years. Although there is the matter of seeing your kids, I understand that and I'm not sure what the outcome would be there. Regarding s-x with her, I think you should just say NO. She has a dynamic where she is in control. That's the first place to push back. Sleep in a different room, if that's what it takes. Just say "No, I don't want to." She'll make a big fuss, so expect a verbal argument, but what can she do? NOTHING. Good luck my friend. It turns out whatever the color of our skin, we're dealing with the same problem.

I feel your pain. Just keep reminding yourself that you can do better and try to paste on a fake smile when you see her so it affects your relationship with your kids to the minimum. I tried to through away my life on a woman I disliked just to be near my kids - and when we finally split, I was overjoyed. Scary at first - but well worth it. You'll come to find that getting away from the toxic woman in your life is well worth it.