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Really Close to Seeking a Divorce

When I first started dating my wife (about 9 years ago) she had no problem with me watching/attending sporting events.  We had sex daily and many times at least 3 times a day.  So I bought a house 2 months after (left the Marine Corps 4 months prior to buying a home).  I loved her with a passion and she asked me if she could move in.  Now at first I was hesitant because I felt that I really did not know her well enough to constanlty have her in my life. 

Well upon moving in she was great she cleaned, cooked, and the sex was even better.  I have a great paying job and she always aspired to be a nurse.  Well I paid for her to go through nursing school.  Once again everything was great at this time. 

We were married shortly after she graduated nursing school.  Than the changes started.  She was to work a full time job.  She found out she could work part time.  That was fine by me but I simply asked that she continue to contribute around the house and she should not tell me that it would effect our sex life because she was tired.  To no surprise no food on the table, no more having sex daily, and no more coming home to a clean house.  Now I have always done work around the house, always cooked the meats for dinner, and never turned her down for sex.  So she tells me her job is so hard, she worked 2 days a week for 10 hours a day, REALLY????

Anyway 2 years ago she decided she wants to work full time after giving birth to our daughter.  I thought okay if you can't handle working 20 hours a week how are you going to handle 40+? 

Needless to say the only time she has now is to talk on the phone for 3 hours a day with her friends, go out with her friends at least once sometimes twice every weekend.  I have no problem with her wanting to hang out with her friends but god forbid if I actually go out with my friends.  I have season tickets for a college football team  so minus the 7-8 times I go to games with my buddies I may go out 3-5 times the rest of the year.  I have to hear about it each time. 

The sad thing is I have invited her at least a dozen times and each time she replies that she is not interested.  To make matters worse I talked to her at least 5 times this year stating that our marriage is on the rocks because I try to do things with her  (watching shows that I have zero interest in, going to functions such as concerts that I have no interest in, hanging out with her friends who all get high as well as my wife).  We have gone to 3 events by ourselves in the last year and a half.  EVERYTHING revolves around going out with her friends.  NOTHING involves going out with mine.   

I don't do drugs and yes weed is a drug.  I told her that I hate it when she gets high.  It bothers me because she is spaced out and forgets conversations we have.  The smell totally turns me off and no she did not do it with me knowing about it before we were married, she hid it. 

We have 40000 dollars of credit card debt.  Another 240000 existing on our home.  Another 75000 on a second mortgage.  So when she left he other job she had the choice of cashing out her 401K or rolling it over.  I stated it would help out if she could contribute to some of the bills (I pay all the bills and her money is our fun money).  Now we are only talking about 13000 dollars which after taxes was about 9000.  I eliminated some of that CC debt  to make it down to 40000 on 2 CC's.  She tells me about it every time now how she "gave up her money" to help me.  WHAT????  She never had to contribute for one bill for 8+ years (That includes groceries, gas, and other needs.  She only had to pay for nights out and as mentioned above not many were involved with me) and giving me 9000 dollars is after 8+ years after nothing is sacrifice???  Oh the best part is she had a tummy tuck done in January that cost 12000 guess who paid for it????  Yeah thanks for the 900 grand because you add 3000 more of debt with that.  *****!!

Anyway this week was the breaking point.  We have had sex 12 times   in 2 1/2 years.  Well after these 5 conversations I had this year with her stating that I need more sex because it will lead me elsewhere.  It was our anniversary.  I had the day off and she had the day off.  She HAD to go to see her friends and as soon as she came home she went to sleep.  Needless to say I was not happy and told her I was going out, oh I had to wake her up and tell her.  The next day she was upset at me for going out on our anniversary.  WHAT???  So it caused a big fight.  3 times she borrowed money to freinds 4000 dollars total  and guess how much of that money we have seen? NOTHING.  Does she put a guilt trip on them?  NOT A WORD.  Yet I here about the 9000 dollars she gave me to "bail me out".  I guess I forget that she never had to contribute or that I paid for her schooling (which was much more than 9000).

I told her that if she ever brings up money again,  does not start performing in bed,  and notdoing everyday things like cooking and cleaning I am out.  The look on her face I could tell she knew I was serious.  Now I love my daughter to death but no way am I going to stick around and take this being all frustrated and take it out on myself and my daughter.  The gray train is over. 

goingcrazyandnuts goingcrazyandnuts 31-35 6 Responses May 2, 2009

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You have a kid, "the gray train" is just getting started. The courts will turn you into your wife's slave and you will remain so until your kid is 21. You ****** up and now you're going to pay for it. What you have to decide is how much you're willing to give up, not "if" you're going to be a loser. Getting married put you on the path to being a life-long loser.

I feel the need to clarify that I am a woman. So there you go. THE BEST thing you can do is stand up for yourself and file for divorce. This is a very selfish person and you deserve better.

Follow LSBeene's advice.<br />
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Also another good site is dadsdivorce.com <br />
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Realize that the law and the courts in most of the Anglosphere are very, very biased in favor of women when it comes to divorces. Very imbalanced. You need to prepare very well to get something approaching a fair deal, and with kids, you're probably not going to get custody over your daughter.<br />
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Having said that, if your wife is out with her friends like that all the time, I doubt that this is really "her friends". It sounds to me like she could he having an affair. Low sex time for you, but running off all the time to be with her "friends". That is not normal behavior for a monogamous married woman. Red flags all over for that.<br />
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Good luck -- it's a hard process, but sounds like she really is not worthwhile.

Oh, and to add something I had left hanging -<br />
<br />
My MRA friend who divorced twice?<br />
<br />
Here's the short version:<br />
<br />
1) First time he was skewerd by the family courts:<br />
a) automatically made a visitor by the courts to his own children<br />
b) made to pay child support that was never enough and never seem to be spent on new clothes or saved for the kids<br />
c) his ex HONESTLY felt she was a victim and that somehow the ex owed her<br />
d) She relentlessly turned the kids against him<br />
e) the courts did nothing to stop d, but did make sure the money rolled in (matching federal funds)<br />
etc etc<br />
<br />
2) He did not get a lawyer, "took the high ground", and did not GET A FREAKING LAWYER until it was too late.<br />
<br />
<br />
SECOND DIVORCE:<br />
<br />
He took the cautious road, followed the steps from above (he actually MADE this list) and got out with a fair settlement. <br />
<br />
His ex doesn't think it's fair, but then to her unless her life was one of luxury (?sp) from then on, and he was miserable and broke it wasn't "fair"<br />
<br />
Now ?<br />
<br />
Now he's got his own business, he dates, and tells the women he dates he will not marry.<br />
<br />
The only way on the "gravy train" is to date him, keep her own apartment (non-negotiable), sex is not "optional", and guess what - he's never in need of female companion ship and has NO DEBT (he actually sold a lot of his business after BHO got into office to avoid the higher taxes) and only works when he wants/needs to.<br />
<br />
So, compared to you, and to him - in the long run .... who's happier?<br />
<br />
Wedding vows ARE sacred, but in the US and UK, they only apply to the man.<br />
<br />
Steven

Honestly, I think the official definition of "retarded" should include an independent person who gets married twice.

Dude, once I read your story I knew it was YET ANOTHER case of: bait and switch.<br />
<br />
Guys do it too, but, that pointed out - we are dealing with your soon-to-be-ex-if-she-doesn't-reaquaint-herself-with-your-sex.<br />
<br />
Look, let's get some simple facts here that MISS Guilty obviously didn't get because of her upbringing that mommy and daddy didn't bother to explain to her:<br />
<br />
1) Men NEED sex. Not want, or kind of like - NEED. It can be argued, debated, have studies done with flow charts and color power point presentations - but at the end of the day it's a fact.<br />
<br />
Had ANY woman told her husband that : "Hey, listen, once we get married I'm not really going to give you sex too often. In fact, I'll use it as a bargaining tool, a punishment tool, and whooooo-boy, wait until after we have a child - I f*cking own your butt."<br />
<br />
No man would get married. Period. Prostitution would not onlyl be legal, but we'd rent out for a 4 year lease and instant termination clause.<br />
<br />
Which is pretty much what women have now with divorce (oops, did I say that out loud?)<br />
<br />
As to money - same applies:<br />
<br />
"Hey, I'm going to work when that suits me, but quit when I am 'unfulfilled' or 'need a change'. Now, don't YOU dare do that or I'll leave you in a New York minute, but kindly pay the bills whilst I 'find myself' ".<br />
<br />
BULLSH*T.<br />
<br />
No man would get married.<br />
<br />
And why do women do this? Because men let them treat us this way.<br />
<br />
Dude, you have to not just SAY it, but sit her down, and talk to her. Explain what you liked about her when you were dating, how it has changed, and tell her you don't see a future if the old her doesn't come back pronto. And I don't mean for a few months, but FOREVER.<br />
<br />
The income you have isn't ebb-and-flow - neither should her juices be. Sorry to be crude, but there it is.<br />
<br />
Second - and be looking her in the eye when you say it :<br />
<br />
"I can leave this and be in big debt. I can afford it. I can dig my way out of it. Can you?"<br />
<br />
Even with "Child Support" (unaccounted for untaxed discretionary spending that statistically has only 15-40% actually going to the child and NEVER seems to be saved for the child to go to college) she will not make it outside of this marriage.<br />
<br />
Her work history is spotty, and her weed smoking is going to screw her on job in nursing. (GET PICTURES!)<br />
<br />
Try the site: dontmakehermad.com<br />
<br />
It shows how getting this behavior on tape is the ONLY chance you have of being believed - while you, with your genetic mistake of having a penis will be accused of anything and everything and get cuffed.<br />
<br />
Also, since she's likely to have no concept of "fair" as you exhibited of her $9000 AMAZING SACRIFICE versus your TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollards that are "expected" - take about $10,000, call it a one time loss, and get a FREAKING ATTORNEY. Even if you stay married, you'll at least be better mentally armed and as a former Marine you damn sure should know the value of intelligence before you step on the beach.<br />
<br />
Here's some tips I got from someone who divorced twice who is well known in MRA (Men's Rights Activists) circles:<br />
<br />
1) Bug the phone. Seriously. Who cares if you can admit into evidence - you know the plans she is making especially when you're not around.<br />
<br />
2) Pay that retainer to your attorney. LISTEN to the attorney - he/she is PAID to be YOUR friend and advocate.<br />
<br />
3) Tell NO ONE you are doing this. The ONLY friend you have is the one you are paying for.<br />
<br />
4) If you can, put in "nanny cams" in the house to have proof of:<br />
a) Her using illegal drugs<br />
b) Her being high around the kids<br />
c) Her parenting while high<br />
d) How she bring drugs into the house<br />
e) MAKE COPIES and give them to your attorney.<br />
<br />
5) This is not the fun sweet perky chested nymphette you married who was addicted to the taste of your manhood, this is the life sucking, money junkie intimacy phobe who is sponging off of you and treating you less than she'd treat the live-in roomate that you have become to her (mentally).<br />
<br />
6) Imagine your life 10 years from now - NOW she's can say (10 years from now) that "gee, I haven't worked, I've been the loving kind mother to our child(ren) and been devoted to my man - and this scum took the best years of my life and now wants to kick me to the curb"<br />
<br />
Don't think she'd do it? Simple question/test - has she got ONE, just freaking ONE friend who has done that? Or falsely accused someone during a breakup? Or slung mud and backstabbed "the love of her life"?<br />
<br />
Does she hang around those women? Take their counsel? LIKE women like that?<br />
<br />
CLUE-BY-FOUR coming your way. To whom, pray tell, do you think she'll turn when YOU want to walk away? Think it'll be amicable? Think she'll tell herself "gee, I was such a selfish jerk - I denied him sex, worked sporadically, controlled his time with his friends, spent us into debt, and character assassinated him to my friends"<br />
<br />
Do you REALLY think this woman who revolts from honest discussion like a vampire to daylight , who acts like housework is something OTHER people do, and who's sexual organs seem to work less frequently than a communists concept of economics?<br />
<br />
Well, my friend, you lay down your fr<x>amework, GET A LAWYER, and AFTER you have done all that ....<br />
<br />
Then you lay out what will and will not be tolerated in your marriage.<br />
<br />
Again, remind her that she'll share 1/2 of that debt she seems to think nothing of. <br />
<br />
Remind her that at her age, as a single mom, the grass may seem greener to be single, but she'll be in the "also rans" on the speed dial of any eligible bachelor.<br />
<br />
Especially if she is in debt, a money junkie, older, her body reflects her having had child, she won't quit smoking pot like she's 16, and ******* about what a sh*t you are.<br />
<br />
Sorry ladies, your shelf life is shorter, babies change things, and your friends who urge you to "dump him" either enjoy misery by company, or want to make your life into "desperate EXhouswives" so they can enjoy the drama at your expense.<br />
<br />
So, I hope this has made someone think.<br />
<br />
Steven

walkingatm strikes the nail on the head again - prezactly. if sex and money didn't matter in a marriage, there would be fewer stories in this forum, less angry guys suffering from road rage (and blue balls) and fewer divorces - period. lack of sex and compulsive spending (read: debt/money) were two of the driving factors in my divorce ...