Single Friends Causing Problems.

So here's my story.  I have been married for one year this month.  My wifes best friend is the one who originally set us up.  I used to be friends with her as well.  Now I feel the relationship between my wife and her best friend is impeding on our relationship.

I have even been recieving e-mails from a marriage counselor to see if I may be able to make myself happier in the situation.  One of the e-mails hit the nail on the head.  It said my wife was "emotionally unfaithful."  The situation it described matched my situation exactly.  Basically it stated that the relationship with the best friend (who is single by the way) can interfere with the emotional bonding between a married couple because the wife is already getting all the emotional support she needs from the friend.  When the friend is there EVERYDAY, my wife does not need to laugh and giggle and have a general good time with me.  Instead she gets those needs fulfilled from the friend.  Even though there is no physical relationship, the amount of time they spend together and talk to each other makes me feel like I am being cheated on. 

We have been fighting alot, and it has usually has something to do with this particular friend.  When I brought it up to my wife, she yelled at me like I was trying to tell her who she could and could not be friends with.  Thats not the case at all.  I don't care if they are still friends, but when she talks to her friend more than she talks to me, it interferes with us growing closer in our relationship.  I am to the point where I am ready to say f#*k it and just leave.  When they hang out, they often go to the party bars and stay out until 2:30 in the morning. 

Also, this friend is well over 30 and has never been in a relationship.  She uses her relationship with my wife to satisfy all her emotional needs. 

Ever since I mentioned the problem to my wife (who eventually acknowledged the problem) it has gotten worse not better.  I feel like if I said to my wife, "it's either her or me," my wife would choose her!  Can you believe that.  But I KNOW SHE WOULD.  I feel that if this single friend got off her lazy butt and moved out of her parents house and found a boyfriend, things would get better.  But she probably will never get a boyfriend and never move out. 


Hulkster Hulkster
26-30, M
12 Responses Jul 1, 2009

Sorry to hear that. I have been through exactly the same situation where my husband's female best friend was doing this to me. I asked him to choose between the two and fortunately he chose me after long discussions and arguments for quite a lot of time. We still have differences due to her after 1 year and I agree the wounds dont go away so easily. Speak to her and give it a do or die situation rather than burning yourself. Wounds will heal gradually but if you are strong enough to be in relation then do not give up.

I am sorry you are going through this and from what it sounds like you have been spiraling downward for a while. I understand what you are going through, I also have become 2nd best to my husbands group of friends. Its a hard pill to swallow, I know. I hope you can find some way to overcome this. Good luck to you my friend.

Boabob, we split over a year ago. If you read some of my other posts, you can follow my decent into darkness with this woman. She just does not ever need to be married.

what happened? did it clear up or lead to divorce? Ihave a similar situation- in which the married friend is just an invasive cancer in our relationship. she is really a splitter (splits others apart) - I figure that if you are "married"- that is where you two have decided to sow your roots- and if the other friends and relationships (including family) are not supportive of your two relationship, then they are out. You see, your wife needs to understand it is not all about her, you too are deciding where to invest your emotions, who to trust, and that the time you spend on daily basis- doing nothing- is the important bonding time, as important as big things. As it it sounds, she is not having/building a relation with you, maybe you just fill some "need" in her mind (to have a husband) and maybe that is not the way you see it. I would describe it as a mental expectation "mismatch" of what you want and she wants, only you thought you two were on the same page. I expect if you had a friend as close, and were going out with him ALL the time, you and your wife would simply cease. And why the hell is she going to bars? does she like alcohol, the music, or the prospect of flirting etc. its playing with fire. Also- your wife's friend may just be gay and in love with her, or it could be mutual. i really don't buy these arguments that its your issue and you need to be more mature- you have certain reasonable expectations of a "relationship" that is not being met. Your wife is not filling your needs and is willing to hurt you over it. Yes we all know you can "love more than one person at a time"- but that is not a safe place for the other person to be in, and most of us would think you have to "choose" and declare yourself (demonstrably) at some point. good luck , hope it worked out for you, but it does not sound promising.

Friggin women are slimy. My friend had the exact situation, and the dork guy "friend" eventually bragged about banging a married chick.<br />
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She will cheat on you with him.<br />
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And she would have a cow if you constantly talked with some bimbo friend all the time, right???<br />
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Friggin do the same thing to her, give her a taste of her own medicine.

Was in a similar situation. Are you absolutely certain it is just them rolling out to bars? Could there be someone else in the picture as well. Honestly, you are going to have to talk to them on seperate occasions. They will always gang up on you.

Deepsouth, excellen idea but there is only one flaw. I can't stand the woman anymore. She is a leech that just sucks the life out of me. As it is already, I see her too much.

Bobaloo, no offense bro, but don't try to hijack my thread because you are having problems with Phil. Thanks.

I have split feelings about that. I want to love her and build a happy marriage, but I just don't see it happening. I am a handsome, fit, late 20's guy and have no problems talking to women, but when i think about her talking to other guys, I get sick in my stomach. I know she would be sleeping with someone within 2 weeks of us starting our seperation. When she broke up with her last boyfriend, she went on this ***** rampage having one night stands within a week of breaking up from a 6 year relationship.

wow..then honestly maybe you should get out of the marriage. She doesnt care for your needs and that isnt right. I guess there shouldnt be anymore talking and just action

I already sat both of them down together to try to talk about it. Instead of listening, they ganged up on me and started putting me down and calling me immature. I brought up the fact that I am the one that wants a mature marriage and do not need to go out to the damn bars 2 nights a week like a college student.

wow that sounds bad. I think maybe u should try to sit her down again and try to talk about the situation Try to make urself more clear. If she cares anything about you then she will try to make it work. even with her friend there. cause u can have both.