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It Doesn't Get Better With Age

42 years ago, at 19 and 17, my wife and I "fell in love," lived together, got married, and everything went downhill from there. She tossed out her birth control pills without telling me and I wasn't permitted to have a vasectomy until I'd had two kids, by Texas state law. The day after my 2nd daughter was born, I had the operation.

Like most people who stay together more than a couple of years, we stayed together (on my part) "for the children." My wife rarely worked and never contributed any of her income to the family expenses when she did. She had affairs. She is high on the list of "worst housekeepers on earth" and is a generally angry and miserable person. In the last twenty years, she has gained so much weight that her legs have given out and she's a near-cripple. Now, she's even angrier. Somehow, through all of her misery-making she convinced herself that she's an artist (a term I now consider to be someone who is near worthless and "art" must mean "not good"). She has poured my money into the black hole of her artistic career without ever selling a single piece for a profit.

Love and hate seem to come from the same place. I love my kids and some part of me still loves my wife because she is connected to my kids and grandkids. However, our relationship has caused me depression so severe that I've wanted to be dead for more than 3/4 of my life. I've worked hazardous jobs, hoping to be killed accidentally so that my kids would be provided for, carried excessive life insurance for 25 years, engaged in dangerous hobbies, and stared down the barrell of a gun hundreds of times.

We had a one year seperation, ten years ago. It was the best year of my life, but it ended when she ripped through the money I'd given her, spent my youngest daughter's college fund, and moved back in to my new home on a weekend when I was away on business. Yes, she broke the door lock to get in. I wasn't stupid enough to give her a key.

I'm 62, now. A divorce would wipe me out and in this economy I'd never be solvent again. Hell, I'll probably never be employed again.

She is elligible (and has been for 30 years) to take half of my SS when I retire. Marrige was the dumbest thing I could have done with my life. I wasted talent, education, dreams, and love on a woman whose only interest is herself. I've counseled everyone who will listen, for almost 40 years, to run from marriage as fast and far as you can. It's an economic contract with boundless loopholes and no benefit to an independent person.

Parents who encourage their sons to marry and have children are vicious, selfish, pitiful excuses for human beings in these United States with the marriage contract being what it is. Friends don't let friends get married.

BitterGeezer BitterGeezer 61-65 37 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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Hire a hitman ... ;-)

If you have proof she cheated, that makes her look terrible in court. Take her out on the divorce. If that doesn't work, wait till she cheats again and document it. If you cheated on her too, tough luck.

Lame! Seems like a lot of blame for others... Did she trap you or did you trap yourself?

Dude... I'm a woman reading these stories so that I can get an idea of what goes on in men's minds sometimes.

I'm trying to keep my husband happy. I think that I'm doing a good job, considering that he doesn't want to spend every waking hour away, he talks to me, we do stuff together, and he looks happy. I'm so grateful for him because the fact that I'm overweight has never been an issue for him. I was this way when we met, and while he is attracted to thin women, he looks past that with me. Just like I look past his balding.

We got married when I was pregnant with our second child-at his behest, not mine. I was fine living in sin, and I wanted to do a simple "hand-cupping" ceremony. I didn't want the "dream wedding", no expensive dress, cake, lots of guests, etc, just an outside ceremony in front of close friends and family. We married in the court house instead. I remember that the vows were serious to him. He meant what he said. Instead of saying, "I do." He said, "I will". I was so nervous. He didn't appear nervous at all. Many people don't think of those vows as permanent. If they did, maybe less people would marry. I didn't think that they were then. Now I do.

We mutually respect one another. I think that that and expectations are really what kill marriages. People don't respect one another. We have expectations of how someone "should" be and we marry that, and not who they are. This is a problem for both sexes. I have learned through being married that I'm much happier if I just drop my expectations for him and just love him for who he is. There are things that he does that's annoying, but it is simply not worth fighting and becoming resentful over. I never withhold affection, even when I'm mad, and I always say, " I love you" to him, and tell him how much I appreciate him. I do things that I don't want to do to make sure his needs are met without feeling resentful because he does the same for me. If more people would do those simple things, the marriage would feel less like a prison sentence and more like a dream.

Sadly brother I believe I'm walking in your footsteps. My life has sucked for the past year. I just can't give up on my kids after all ill get them 4 days every two weeks with more in the summers. Yeah sounds like what I always wanted when she was out screwing around. This is a broken system. Prop up big brother program to help kids cause you don't dare let there father be a part of there lives after all a man gets to work round the clock to pay her bills err ughhh I mean child support. I know some is needed but games with her income has me as 82% the primary wage earner. Real fair system.

wowowow

your wife had affiars and yous still with that broad, I would never do that. respect yourself and your kids, leave! FOR THE KIDS

Best of the best advice . I did copy/paste this post as a mandatory reading for all Single males

Your story should be mandatory reading for 'up and coming' grooms-to-be...so they don't make they same mistake you did. Most marriages is never a 'happy ending'.
I feel sorry for you dude! Good luck to you!

I would like to say screw it, but way to much to lose. Hanging on for kids sake.

Wish I'd met you years ago, though, back then, I'd not have listened. Oh the folly of youth disregarding the wisdom of the aged

My home state had one of those idiotic "Marriage Amendment" bills this election year. Personally, I think if the wingnuts really hated gays they'd MAKE them get married, instead of preventing marriage. Marriage is just a financial contract with unlimited terms and expenses for the competent "partner." Calling it some sort of holy religious institution is simply diseased. The law creates a marriage and a boat load of lawyers are required to sever one. Preachers just hold out their hands for a "donation" for performing a useless (not required by law) ceremony.

I have a love/hate relationship with my wife. She is self centered, selfish. Its always about her and what she wants. Been married for 21 years. If I had it to do over again I would never marry. Marriage is a legal ball and chain and does not get better with time.

Yea you should start living for yourself, if not divorce, move out and leave her. You should live for yourself seriously! You deserve it

Screw it, dude. Get out. Run as fast as those 62-year-old legs will carry you. My mom was widowed at 54 - so you know there's gotta be some eligible ladies in your age bracket out there looking for a man who's not a complete piece of crap. You sound like a nice guy. Do yourself a favor and find someone who's not going to make the last couple decades of your life a living hell. I mean, jeez, when was the last time you even got laid? Just because you have a couple years on you doesn't mean you shouldn't still be laying pipe. Get out, go hit up a dating site or two, and get yourself a nice lonely widow who will make you happy.

2 thumbs up!

you were chldren when you married<br />
you never wanted children<br />
you have been resentful for decades<br />
but society has made you be a husband and father<br />
If you were once a good catch.. you are no longer<br />
it has nothing to do with money or what you have or have not done<br />
it has to do with being bitter<br />
divorce the woman anyways<br />
and start your life over<br />
I had to at 50 with no real dime to my name<br />
so can you

Need to kill the one who started the concept of marriage.

Blame the church. Most religious avenues condone "the holy sacrament of matrimony" (sack of crap is more like it!)

Christianity has never done you any harm and you know it. Your hate for it is both unwarranted and rooted in ignorance.

Great post and advice. I wish I would have come across your post earlier.

I think your problem is you got married too young. My husband and I got married at 28 and 27, and we are committed to working together. We have one child, and are planning to have 1-2 more depending on how many he can handle. We found out babies are hard in him. Plus, I'm a stay at home mom, employed part time. My husbands goals matter to me. I even told him (when he asked) that we could wait on starting the family to make sure he had achieved his career goal as a professional musician. He has a stable job on his field and knew I wanted a baby, so he agreed to have one last year. I moved across country for his job, and now I get to do the job I love: being a good wife, mom, and fitness coach. I work out, lost ALL the baby weight within 7 months of our baby's birth, and I do most of the house cleaning. Our house is clean almost always unless I'm sick or something. My husband watches our girl when I work part time, but I do most of the baby stuff. I keep her quiet while he practices his craft. We are both artists, and we are not worthless, selfish people. Both you and your wife seem to be selfish, and there is a l lot of immaturity on your relationship, even at your age. You both have work to do, not just her. You both need to learn love and respect. Not all marriages end up like yours. Ours won't.

I have actually been there. I applaud that you recognize you still love her, and your kids. But the reality is that everybody needs to "qualify" to deserve to have somebody that loves them. I give everything I possibly can to my wife and kids and I hope that they appreciate it in some way. I did that with my first wife and she left me after planning it for two years... left my daughter, in college, after telling her she would always be there for her. I paid for my daughter's marriage, college and every other major expense needed. My daughter is my one treasure in life. Her response to the divorce was "well, daddy, you are so independent and capable that you don't need me, but mom is a basket case, so I need to focus on her and give her support." What can I say to that, I sucked it up. She still lives near me and works with me at the family business.<br />
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I suggest you try to liaison with your kids, but do what you must. If marriage is not mutual, it's not marriage. Let what will eventually happen happen sooner and make the adjustment. If you act proactively, you can make it a better split and the fallout will be much less and do much damage than if it happens because eventually the whole thing explodes. You'll be through the major stress and life will rearrange itself. BTW, money is nothing, happiness and resolution are everything. I crawled back from being broke and I am happier than if I worried about the money.

To anyone who wants to claim chauvinism is the root of complaints against women. Lets' remember that women can be people of low character just like men. There are great women out their but the average standard for women is below the bar of acceptability. And the law turns marriage into a bear trap that can be used by women to turn men into slaves they can abuse. There would be many more quality relationships if there were no marriage and people still had to say please and thank you and appreciate each other. Instead of owning someone else's *** and being able to spend their money and not please them and tell them they are breaking the rules and "cheating" if they want to grab happiness form other people but don't want to loose half of what they have worked for.<br />
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If we really valued relationships in this country we would abolish marriage. We would put in place child rearing and cohabitation agreements that allow each party to contribute financially but not pool everything. So that a spouse that can go make a million bucks doesn't have his spouse out spending it all without saying please and thank you and being required to show respect.<br />
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Everything is stacked against the hard working so that the weak link spouse can just drain the bank and quit trying to be appealing in any way and then walk away with half the others life's work.<br />
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This is all ridiculous. And I so wish it would just go away.

If only they could/would make what you suggest into law...yes, there WOULD BE happier, healthier and more truthful relationships that would actually last longer than the regular "Norman Rockwell" marriages that people feel they MUST have in order to be happy. Its pathetic!

I actually do feel sorry for you..esp the fact that due to your financial situation, you seemed to do the "right" thing for the kids. However... I think you are a male chauvinist and your wife has clearly turned you into one. As for me.. I am a woman... and my parents have four daughters and two sons. Do you think that they would EVER say anything like this about women? They have DAUGHTERS. and I am really truly hoping you do not.... because you are so anti-woman that you think all women are greedy, uneducated, delusional and reliant on their men. That is not how I was raised and I will never allow my self-worth to fall to such a pitiful level. You must realize there are a lot of happy marriages out there. really... there are.... but you are so convoluted and jaded that you could never even consider that to be true. That said... You need a LOT of help.... please please sir... seek counseling. it is never too late.

Split the assets like house car etc if you have a close friend or relative put your money in their accct so she can't touch it.....................seek a good lawyer....legal aide if necessary.<br />
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GOOD LUCK <br />
B

I was thinking the same thing.

Couldn't possibly agree more with the statement that theres no benefit to marriage for a person who is independent or has money. Theres no benefit whatsoever, in fact its the biggest trap you could fall into. The person you marry will own your ***. lock stock and barrel.

Thanks for the great article, South Africa is getting even worse everyday. I agree, I never trust women who say they are on the pill. that’s the quickest way to the family court and financial slavery. Women want children and someone to pay for them. I use a condom that's it. Marriage not for me either. Any man in today's life still think he will get him a wife and live happily ever after is on a suicide mission. I'm single and gender transformation took its toll on my spirit 10 years ago already, when I saw men going down. It’s still getting worse. Staying single is just pure wisdom. About half of my male friends over 30 are committed to stay single. I never regret for one moment not to get married. Friends who have been married say “never again” and is still paying the bills, facing court cases and will be for the next 18 years.<br />
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Men, young boys see women can make hate speech against men often in very diplomatic ways, raise expectations about men. Force their feminist ideals down on men. Make male bashing ads, and male bashing music. Make men look like fools while women must always look like Gods gift to men. Women cannot have one session on TV without having something bad to say about men or something to criticize men on. The moment men are not showing all the respect to women like they should after a 15 years of male disempowerment programs/women empowerment programs (depending if you are the one who benefit or the one who lose in the process). Kicking men out of their jobs, men who worked hard for to get there, to make way for women like here in SA. SA have “bring Girl child to work day” nice for the boys to know they are deliberately excluded and their future is not that important in this feminist world. <br />
Or posters on our University walls stating "If you educate a man, you educate an individual, when you educate a woman you educate a nation" a nice powerful message for young males about women’s attitudes about their future. Then women are so shocked to find out that some men are actually getting frustrated with women too. Go look at all the "I hate men" “women hating men” sites “I hate men” music lyrics (Kiss Me, Kate Song: I Hate Men) and ask yourself if women are any better? The women are quick to called men a “woman hater”, a “psycho” or “emotionless” if they dare open their mouths. <br />
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That's what men hate about women<br />
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The fact that more "why men hate women" titles will appear, in my opinion is nothing more than men starting to follow in the footsteps of women who set the pace on gender hate speech a long time ago in the name of freedom of speech and gender transformation. If women can do it. so can men!!! It’s often called a "feminist backlash", men voicing their frustrations. Women see men talking about their feelings anger or hate when it gets to women as "emotionless men", “men with mental problems” etc., the fact is quite the opposite. It is exactly because men have feelings too and is now taking a step forward to raise their frustration about how they feel about women, which haven’t been respected or considered for many years in the public domain.<br />
I’m glad to see men are finally starting to wakeup.

First off let me say that I am one of you. I endured a selfish cheating woman for the better part of 8 years before finally getting away. The freedom is amazing!! <br />
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But I believe that it is a bad idea to give up on marriages. We shouldn't teach our boys not to get married but how to be patient until they find the right woman. Marriage is the backbone of our society and its purposes far surpass even our own indivdual needs for happiness. <br />
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Our reponse cannot be emotional like the woman, it must be cerebral and take into consideration future consequences.

Explain how "marriage is the backbone of our society"?

I don't believe she gets half your social security; she is eligible for a benefit of 1/2 your social security.<br />
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That said, welcome to getting screwed over by a bait-and-switch wife.

some of you guys , as much as women, stay in a relationship for the kids.<br />
the only bad part about it, is that you hurt yourself for being in it too long. <br />
knowing that it's not going nowhere. And you out grown your love for your<br />
sweetheart or spouse. the traditions of marriage change with the times.<br />
wished you all had a better outcome for the kids sake. but in the long<br />
run it is better to walk out and move on while the kids are young, so<br />
they don't hurt so much as you do. anyway they will still have both<br />
parents in their lives. not under the same roof but they will learn to adapt.<br />
because the love for your kids will always be there. peace be with you

Holy ****....i want a divorce now. been married a miserable 7 years...and i feel your pain. **** man pack your balls and get movin...its never to late..we must be stronger...**** that even if we must suffer don't let them see us suffer. we are sronger than that. you got yours kids and your health. be happy. **** the rest. do her a favor... send her out on a long shopping day... get your buds together and move your ****... take only the essentials,,, clothes, tv, and other things needed. you can do it. i beleive in you man.