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Gona Get Maried In 1 Month and I Think I Hate Her

i have been with her for 4 years and asked her to marry me last year. i have 1 month to go before we get hitched. I just dont know what to do. we spent a lot of money for the wedding and the trip to Fiji. im 25 and she is 27.

   she is an artist and just quit her job. i work to keep us alive, anytime i get anything for myself i get punished. when i would come home i would catch her buying alot of shoes and clothing. sex has droped to 1 time per 3 weeks ( if im lucky). and i find myself taking care of a 14 year old girl rather than an mature adult. i tell her this, she crys, and thats it, she still sticks around. i have a feeling she just wants to trap me for my money.

  i dont know how to brake it it off, spent so much money for everything.should i see a lawer? should i sit down with her and make a brake up plan or somthing? i need help. i dont want this marrge to go south.

Blitzdome Blitzdome 22-25 20 Responses Aug 8, 2009

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i agree with everyone in here. DO NOT GET MARRIED. I just joined this site because my wife was yelling at at the top of her lungs as soon as I got home from work ''double shift'' @ a f****ng restaurant I work for which I don't know anymore who is more stressful the restaurant or my wife. Anyways, been married for 3 years and the first couple months were great but ever since then my waife does not work, sex is lower than it's ever been not because i'm tired but we argue sooooo much and every time i get so depressed that I wish to my self that i never wake up when I go to sleep. I stay with her not because I love her but of my kids I have with her and i love 'em more than anything but sometimes from arguing so much, you just become so numb that you don't know where is up or down anymore. I HATE BEING MARRIED, I HAVE NO FREEDOM, HAPPINESS OR ANYTHING. LIFE MARRIED SUCKS

Blitzdome, GET OUT! Do not return to that situation! If you were miserable BEFORE you got married then you already know a marriage to her would be even worse. Cut your losses, get over the heartbreak, and LEAVE. She will survive. So will you. Move on. There is someone out there that God has designed for you. Find her! But leave this other person now before you regret it!

Blitzdome, I am dying to know where it's all at now. Still not married to her,are you??? I am a female myself, but this is bad news...NEVER marry her, make her get a job and get out of your house. Hell, don't even shag her anymore; there are more ***** out there -- ***** who go to work and buy their own toilet paper and tampons. Counseling is a waste of your money; you don't EVER need to marry, or even stay with this.

To quote Al Bundy "Run silent, run deep." It will get 100 times worse the day afte the marriage, and a 1000 times worse after each kid arrives. The you have at stake, the worse she will get. Get out now, get out.

DON'T get married! People don't change just because you get married...they actually get worse!! DON'T DO IT!

Have to agree with the board. Don't just delay, cancel it properly.<br />
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Selfishness at the point that you meant to be begining a formal life together is an indicator that she will never improve.<br />
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She may have felt trapped into staying on the same course and reacted the way she did. Freeing you may also be freeing her.

Congratulations on stopping the wedding. However, it sounds sort of like you just put it on hold instead of a full cancellation.<br />
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From your original post I would still say you are NOT actually good for each other!!!<br />
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Watch out for the next trick up your girls sleeve. They will be "Look we went to a counselor NOW I'm better". "Let's get married". Also, "I love you so much and we will totally have tons of sex now".<br />
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These will all be TOTAL BS do not fall for it. I guess that as long as this counseling never ends in a marriage it is not extremely harmful. <br />
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Since you had the will power to end the wedding you should also find the strength to end what sounds like a bad relationship.<br />
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Godspeed

Listen HOPE. Nice job on the wedding. The whole "i love him" but am not "in love with him" = cop out. You were never marriage material. Period. Now, here is your out. STOP emotionalizing everything, or you will end up the unsatifsied person that (likely) your mother is. Find someone to TALK and that appears interested in the issues you have. You may be pretty, maybe not. WHO CARES. Be happy, we all make way too many sacrifices for "love", when it WILL hit you if you focus on living your life, not attracting the next dbag.

Blitzdome,<br />
I was in your position at one time. The red flags were there to the point where they were so obvious it was like a hit to the face with a baseball bat. I ignored them and got married...not only am I miserable with her, there's no intimacy, she doesn't support me with my passion for what I'm doing with my life, she doesn't help around the house AT ALL and when she comes home she says hello to the dog and gives him kisses than walks right past me. I do all the housework, food shopping, take out the trash, laundry, you name it...I do it. In fact the only thing she does is bring in the mail and walk the dog in the afternoon, which I get stuck with anyway because I'm home before her on certain days. There's a reason why people are telling you to get out while you can and think of yourself...so you spent a lot of money on the wedding?! so did I and I would've given up ever penny if I could go back in time and slap myself and say, "WAKE UP!" By the way I'm studying to be a doctor so I'm at school during the day and also see patients only to come home and do all the house work and study for exams and national boards. In all fairness, she's a teacher...stressful? Yes it can be and I used to teach before I went back to school so I can empathize but her job is a lot easier than mine and she has her nights whereas I don't. The point to my rambling is you're not even married yet and you have these problems...do you think they will magically disappear and get better? You have the same issues I had right before my wedding. Please reevaluate your situation and REALLY put a lot of thought into what you're getting yourself into. You think you're spending a lot on a wedding? Lawyers aren't cheap either and if you're worried about her sticking around for money, wait until you're married. If you get divorced she will get 50% of what you have unless you have a prenup stating over wise. Good luck to you and I really wish you the best...make the best decision for YOU. You only have one life to live...do you want to be miserable in the process?

Blitzdome,<br />
I was in your position at one time. The red flags were there to the point where they were so obvious it was like a hit to the face with a baseball bat. I ignored them and got married...not only am I miserable with her, there's no intimacy, she doesn't support me with my passion for what I'm doing with my life, she doesn't help around the house AT ALL and when she comes home she says hello to the dog and gives him kisses than walks right past me. I do all the housework, food shopping, take out the trash, laundry, you name it...I do it. In fact the only thing she does is bring in the mail and walk the dog in the afternoon, which I get stuck with anyway because I'm home before her on certain days. There's a reason why people are telling you to get out while you can and think of yourself...so you spent a lot of money on the wedding?! so did I and I would've given up ever penny if I could go back in time and slap myself and say, "WAKE UP!" By the way I'm studying to be a doctor so I'm at school during the day and also see patients only to come home and do all the house work and study for exams and national boards. In all fairness, she's a teacher...stressful? Yes it can be and I used to teach before I went back to school so I can empathize but her job is a lot easier than mine and she has her nights whereas I don't. The point to my rambling is you're not even married yet and you have these problems...do you think they will magically disappear and get better? You have the same issues I had right before my wedding. Please reevaluate your situation and REALLY put a lot of thought into what you're getting yourself into. You think you're spending a lot on a wedding? Lawyers aren't cheap either and if you're worried about her sticking around for money, wait until you're married. If you get divorced she will get 50% of what you have unless you have a prenup stating over wise. Good luck to you and I really wish you the best...make the best decision for YOU. You only have one life to live...do you want to be miserable in the process?

I stopped the wedding. we will be seeing a counselor to see if we are actually good for each other. <br />
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Thanks guys, saved my skin.

Absolutely RUN in the opposite direction. DO NOT get married. I joined this flippin' forum just to warn you. You sound exactly like I did before I got married to my first wife. If she is cutting you off from friends, self-centered, buying things for herself, losing her job, and all the rest, sounds to me she has Borderline Personality Disorder. It is incurable, and can only be "managed" but will never go away.<br />
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break it off! Now. Right now. Trust me! Six months of misery (you'll feel bad, she and her family will threaten everything) is NOTHING compared to years upon years of heartache and heart break. I spent 8 years living with my ex, had two kids, and it destroyed their childhood. It then took another 7 years to wrestle my kids away from her--when she never even wanted to keep them anyway, she just wanted to make my life miserable.<br />
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Remember, marriage is a contract. it is meant to be a logical decision. Think of it this way: you hire Joe the Contractor to fix some minor plumbing problem. He then screws it up, pipes burst, causes more damage to the house so now you have to fix the floor, and the whole blooming mess costs you $5,000 more to fix than he estimated. Now he wants to build a new house for you. Would you flippin' sign a contract with the guy, binding you to using this guy for building the house? No way!! <br />
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So why sign a marriage contract now with someone who's going to be a train wreck later?<br />
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For love of God, man, RUN!

Dude, I'm repeating what others have already said, but get out while you can. I was in a similar situation and thought things would get better after we get married. We actually broke up, I moved out, thought it was cold feet and made up--talk about screwing up. We had been together for four years, and sex went down to about once a month after we got engaged. After the marriage, it was barely once every two months, and that was after really, really trying. There wasn't even any on the wedding night! (or the night after that or the night after that). We had been together for 4 years before we got married. A week into the marriage, I thought we'd be lucky if we make it for a year. She got pregnant 4 months later and that was a complete game changer.<br />
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My point is, whatever you have before you get married, it is going to be much, much worse after it. I don't know why women do that but it's like once they are married, they just stop trying. However hard you think it will be to end it now, it will be a thousand times harder after you're married. I've got a kid with her now that I love to death and would never get to see him if I ended it now, so I have to shut up and take whatever she throws at me. Case and point: I am sitting in my car in a parking lot with my laptop, because she wanted me out of the house until it's time for the baby to go to bed. <br />
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Run while you still can, dude.

I don't want to side-rail this thread but, Bob, you brought up something I think is very important. <br />
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"NOBODY spoke up to help or save me before the marriage. Everyone's excuse afterwards was "well you would not have listened anyways". They didn't even give me the option of hearing them they just made the decision for me...he doesn't need to hear this!!"<br />
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It's true. I was left in ignorance with all the realities of marriage. It's hard to say but, I think being honest with myself, it's very likely I would not have listened to what I would probably have perceived as "negative" or defeating advice. I think many people, though, don't 'tell it how it is' because they have this futile hope that somehow things will be different for you. These people are afraid to give real advice because they might in part sabotage things for the person they are giving the advice to.<br />
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I do give real advice to my siblings and friends now and I'll continue to do so for the very reason you've stated. Inspite of being seen as 'negative', I know it is my duty to do all in my power to save others from unjust misery,especially if I know what can save them.<br />
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/derail

I did not listen to my gut instinct/the little voice in my head. I kept telling myself "don't get married it's a mistake" I did not listen to myself. I thought I was just scared to get married and that I had "Cold Feet". Everybody else told me I just had cold feet. <br />
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All of my friends and family let me down. When I got divorced all my "friends and family"(jerks) told me that they never thought my ex was right for me and that there was something wrong with her.<br />
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NOBODY spoke up to help or save me before the marriage. Everyone's excuse afterwards was "well you would not have listened anyways". They didn't even give me the option of hearing them they just made the decision for me...he doesn't need to hear this!!<br />
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LISTEN TO YOUR CONSCIENCE!!!! DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!!!<br />
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Do what I did not do. Listen to yourself. We are all here to help you. You get the benefit of what I did not have... good advice.<br />
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Blowing off all the money you spent on your wedding will not be that bad. Calling off a bad decision is cheaper that a divorce in all ways.<br />
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I pray you don't get married.<br />
Good luck

I looked past a lot of red flags when I got married last September, and I can't tell you the number of times I've almost walked away since.<br />
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I can't speak from experience, but I've got to think it's a helluva lot easier to walk away before the marriage than after. If you're miserable now, marrying her isn't going to fix that. It WILL amplify every probablem you have now... Because, not only will you have the problem, but you'll also have the added strain of feeling like you're locked into the problem by law.<br />
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If you really can't stand her, walk away. You'll have a lot more respect for yourself in the long run, and that's worth a lot more than whatever you spent on the wedding.<br />
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Good luck brother!

Please, please, for your own good, read and follow what Walkingatm and Cobalt have written! <br />
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Anything that is bad now IS GOING TO GET WORSE after marriage. <br />
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Please, brother, let the wisdom obtained through misery from us married or previously married men save you from that same misery. <br />
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We are or were in said misery because we didn't take heed to the red flags before the ring was on. We fooled ourselves that these things were not big deals and could be looked past as there were other things to focus on. It's is NOT true. If it is this bad now, don't even consider signing up for the contract that will remove your ability to refuse such awful behavior.<br />
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Please, end it! This is not a discussion to have with her, it is something you will inform her with as few words as possible.<br />
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You WILL regret marrying. Save yourself. Don't even think about marriage until laws change to where they are not solely beneficial to and enabling of childish women.

Dude - I cannot stress this strongly enough: BREAK OFF THE ENGAGEMENT!!! DO NOT GET MARRIED!!! I'm not a lunatic, but I have been married - I saw all the red flags, and still I went along with it. Never mind the money, it cost me 15 years of my life. You are walking into a jail and the gate will clang shut behind you. You see what she's like before marriage, SHE WILL GET TEN THOUSAND TIMES WORSE AFTER MARRIAGE!!! I speak the truth here. SAVE YOURSELF, and DO NOT GET MARRIED!!! If you don't believe me, take some time and read the stories here - they are not anomalies! They are not the exception to the rule! You're only 25! Don't throw your life away! If you get married, you're giving up your privacy, freedom, sex life, money, house, and independence, and indeed all the things that make YOU who you are. Do you want to be married to her when she's 30? 40? 50? 60? 70? etc. If you marry, YOU WILL GET A DIVORCE, and it will destroy you financially and emotionally. DON'T GET MARRIED - IT WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

thank you.

You need to figure out what you want first, and what is best for you. You should never stay in a relationship if you arent happy in it. Especially if you arent married yet. I was happy with my husband for years before we got married. It wasnt until a few months before our wedding that i began to realise that i wasnt as happy with "us" as i had thought i was. We've been married now for 5 years, and have had our ups and downs, but way more downs than ups, and while i love him, im not so sure im in love with him anymore, our relationship is a nightmare. If i would have listened to my gut instinct, thought about how i was feeling before we got married, and not gone through with it, i know i wouldnt be dealing with all the things i am now, such as who will get the house, how will we divide our assets, will we remain friends, can i really live without this person ive depended on now as a spouse for 5 years, and can i even manage on my own? Believe me, you dont want to do something that you arent totally into doing, just because you arent sure how to break it off. You will really regret how much harder it will be to break it off later once you have committed to marriage, and have started to build a life together that consists of "we" instead of "me". Who knows though, maybe you are just getting cold feet, and this really is the person who you want to be, and are meant to be with. I would look at this from all angles, and figure out what you really want. Then all you can do is take a deep breath, and go from there. If you have to break it off just sit her down and talk to her in a calm voice and explain yourself, dont throw insults around or make her feel bad, but explain where you stand, how you feel, and why you feel that way. I mean the worst that can happen, she gets mad? or gets her feelings hurt? Bottom line, If its going to happen, and shes going to take it badly, theres nothing you can do about it. This thing can go one of two ways, but you should never have to compromise your happiness just to make a situation easier for someone else.