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The Contract

I've been reading through the comments on this forum for a couple of days now and I think I have something to contribute. It appears that there are many here with similar circumstances to my own. I've never posted to an internet forum in my life, and I don't intend to become a "regular". Frankly there are other things I will be doing with my time that will be more effective in accomplishing my goals than airing my views with a bunch of strangers. Having said that, I've found that writing helps me organize my thinking. I do sincerely hope that one person will read this and it will make a difference to them. I have a new perspective after reading the posts here, have a few hours of free time, and feel like "giving back" with my own small contribution.

 

The Contract

When I was a young man, you were more worldly and capable than I was. At the ripe old age of 22 I agreed to take care of your daughter as best I could until she was old enough to take care of herself as well as be a father for our new child. I felt responsible for my foolishness in having unprotected sex with you and the resulting pregnancy, and felt a lot of pressure from my family to "do the right thing". I was not emotionally mature enough to understand what was really happening. I did not realize that I was committing to a lifetime of servitude and degradation.

My father and his brothers taught me through work and fun that the only things that matter are integrity, respect, and honor. My father is dead and his brothers are now estranged, mostly because you have alienated them, one by one. You have made it too painful to stay connected with my family and I am embarrassed to show them what I have become after 20 years of marriage to you anyway. I am grateful that I was taught right from wrong in the beginning, before I met you. It shames you that you have chosen to use my ethics and commitment against me.

I live in a very different world than my father did. Virtually every institution that he relied on has become corrupted by leeches and thieves. Insurance, banking, real estate, the media, and most other public means of security have been corrupted by hucksters and the necessity to read the fine print. All is fair without respect to honor and decency, with the primary goal of these institutions being to dupe the honest man out of whatever they can get. Marriage has gone the way of the rest of these institutions. You use that fact to get instant gratification for yourself, with the calculating skill of a ruthless used car dealer.

Things have changed since we were first married. I educated myself formally, with respect to business, and socially. I have learned how to exercise self control, how to conduct business ethically, and how to make a great deal of money. I learned how to read the fine print and survive in this world. I get better at living my life and stronger every day. You have not matured in any way since the day we got married.

Let me respond in advance to your expected statements about how you have "made me a better man": I did everything I did on my own, with you sabotaging and opposing every move I made. I may be stronger because of you, but only because I have gone through my adult life with your useless weight hanging from my neck.

I have given you everything that I have to give every day of my marriage with you. I gave you sex and complimented you when you were demeaning, abusive, and fat. I bought you the surgery that made you thin again. Now I am the only one to see the scars on your body. Now you want more cosmetic surgery, and I'll probably buy that too. The house with pool, fine car for you and children, huge diamond, college of choice for the kids and luxury lifestyle that you enjoy are not enough to earn me one day of acceptance respect, or love. Once again I'll head off your blaming and excuses: You are the one who has defined our relationship with money and things, not me.

To summarize, I have honored every part of the Contract to include caring for children that are not my own. You have perverted my commitment and used it against me.

 

 

 

I Will Win

By your own statements, we are at war. You have reduced every interaction with me, including intimacy, to a competition. You have successfully filled me with self-doubt and made me miserable in my home to get what you want for a long time now. If you think I don't know about your comments to your family and friends about my stupidity and how easy it is to manipulate me, you are wrong. I know. So be it.

I will define winning as restoring the self esteem and independence that you have systematically eroded for 20 years. I truly do not care what you do with yourself anymore, and you do not come into the picture when I envision happiness and success. I don't want revenge, I just want you to disappear and take your petty, grasping, whining emotional swamp with you.

Money

I was not materialistic when we were married and everything I needed fit into one duffle bag. Despite your efforts to lull me into the swamp of suburban materialism, I still feel pretty much the same way. If I defined my self worth by the size of my house, car, etc I would be no better than you are. I make the money I need. I have paid for classes that you stopped attending like a distracted eight-year-old. I've invested in businesses that sit moldering in the basement because you lacked the drive to accept challenge. Don't try to tell me that you can't make money because I smothered you or would not help. I will win by remembering what is important to me, not what you want to be important to me. I will listen to the Beatles, take long walks, get back in shape. You oppose these things for some reason. It's called "being human", not a "midlife crisis". I will give money to charities and people that need it a lot more than you do.

Love

I may be alone in believing this, but in my experience romantic love is a big lie, used to manipulate young men out of the fruits of our labor. By the time they realize that the love and commitment they expected from the woman they married will never materialize, she has his life in her hands/womb/Contract. As we age love could be defined as having someone in your life that you can depend on, no matter what happens. I certainly don't have that, but you do. If being dependable means that you love someone then I love you but you don't love me. I will win by growing up and accepting the fact that love is an illusion. I will continue to get acceptance, honor, and respect from other people and stop investing in the empty hope that I will ever get these things from you.

Sex

Yes, I've put sex in a different category from love. My experience with sex changed drastically after I married you. You taught me that my sex drive is a weakness to be used against me, not an expression of mutual love and respect. You taught me that sex was my duty, to be performed no matter how you demeaned and insulted me. When you felt like playing a different game, you used the denial of sex to get the things that you want. You have broken the connection between sex and love in my mind forever. I will win by controlling my desires and keeping them to myself. The brainwashing that I've experienced for most of my life that tells me that sharing my emotions with you is healthy is another lie that I will no longer believe in. I will stop handing you ammunition.

Yes, it's likely that I will have an affair at some point. I will plan it carefully so that you will never know. I will select the other woman carefully to assure that she wants no long term attachments, and pay her in advance if necessary. At this point I have no reason to believe that any woman will be interested in having sex with me beyond the money she can get for it.

Heart, Soul, and Mind

My life with you is devoid of emotional satisfaction, but that does not mean I don't have empathy and emotional needs. I will win by developing meaningful relationships with people who you don't know, and I will carefully shield those people from your poison. I have a very active imagination and I can keep myself entertained quite happily with a pencil and piece of paper. I will win by maintaining my mental health through work and writing while you sit slack-jawed in front of Oprah, Glenn Beck, and Nancy Grace. I will acknowledge your parroting of the news shows that passes for informed opinion, but I will no longer engage you and try to get you to think for yourself.

I get stronger and better at living my life every day, and I intend to do so for the rest of my life. You have done nothing to improve yourself for 20 years. Eventually I will be strong enough and smart enough to be free of you. For now the war is a guerrilla war, happening right in front of you. You are too slow, weak, and compulsive to beat me.

I will travel for my next long-term foreign assignment in a few days, and I will have my time and my life to myself again. I will work with people that overcome challenges every day that would kill you, people that understand the importance of honor and respect. No matter what you do to me, I will never betray them so you can have new shoes. Don't worry, I'll keep sending the check, dear. Just don't expect me to show up at home and play dress-up for your friends this time. I think I'll stay away for awhile.

 

 

Thanks to those who took the time to read the whole thing. Hopefully the above has been offensive to none, interesting to some, and inspiring to a few.

 

used4life used4life 41-45 32 Responses Aug 9, 2009

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Wow! I'm certain this guy has escaped her by now. He signs up just to write one story, posts it and logs out. And he doesn't even look back!!!!!!!!!

The only problem is the affair part. Read "The Other Woman" posts on here. Usually, it starts out as just fun, but sex means more to women than it does men, so no matter how hard you try to find a woman that won't fall for you, she usually does. Then you have a whole different world of crazy. Depending on the woman, sometimes they go behind your back and tell your wife or purposely inseminate themselves with your *****, so that you have to take care of her and your "child". So be extremely careful. If you're not interested in kids, get snipped before cheating.I feel bad for you. Never feeling like you're loved and all. Hopefully my husband feels loved by me. I don't hold out sex from him as "punishment". Why do women do that? Sex is just as pleasurable for us as it is for men. Maybe I'm a weird female?

Keep up the good fight!

My wife likes to accuse me of lying when I don't lie to her, but she had lied to be before and admitted to it when I found out she lied. She does whatever she wants to do, and gets mad when I tell it is not wise. However, she controls me and gets upset when I don't do exactly as she told me to do. She screamed at me for forgetting to replace the toilet paper. She hangs out with her friends till late at night and makes me wait at home alone, but when I was late 15 min. to pick her up because I got lost on the way, she called me names and raised her voice at me. She constantly disrespects my family and talk negatively all the time. In all matters, when I say left she says right and when I say right, she says left. It seems she enjoys disagreeing with me. Some things that she didn't like before, now suddently she likes it just to disagree with me. She is so full of selfishness and self pity. I am extreamely sad and hurt by her. Why doesn't she respect me and my family. I have done no wrong to her and always respect her and her family. I never talk negative things about her family. Perhaps it is my mistake for marrying her when there was a sign of her selfishness...

Speechless

omg I am so sad. this is me. this is a wake up call. a divine intervention I just hope its not too late for me to step up to the plate! thank you so much for your story I pray that it saves us!

I'm not sure what drew me to read your story...perhaps devine intervention. I will never understand why people treat each other the way they do and I'm deeply sorry. I too have been in a relationship that just about destroyed me. Please don't let her win by harding your heart so dearly. She is but one women, not all of womenkind. Just as with nasty men, they are not all of mankind. I live my life knowing, I am a reflection of MY words and actions, other people are a reflection of THEIR words and actions. I will never let them win by defining who I am or who I will become. Take care

I am so sorry your wife treats you so wrongly. Seems like u took great care of her and she doesn't show u any appreciation.

My wife shares some traits of the wife in the story but not quite so extreme. A problem we have is that she doesn't have many hobbies - she goes to the gym and is interested in her diet and appearance but not much else. She watches old episodes of Friends over and over again.

I work and she looks after the kids, but the kids are at school 7 hours a day. She still considers herself really busy. A big part of her job is looking after the kids but she has always had trouble managing our boy who is now 11. I can't go on an overnight business trip without distressed phone calls about how they are driving each other up the wall. When I am there it's ok - because I set his boundaries. She resents it when I have a few beers with the boys or go on business for a couple of days, and because she can't cope with my son I worry about being away too. I just think my wife's performance isn't good enough - she just seems to cruise along stress free to a large degree and to rely on me and demand too much from me.

...I need to stand up and be tougher on her. A lot of us guys are too easy going, but 'easy going' is not what my wife needs - she needs to be put in her place firmly and be told how things are going to work from now on. I am sick of all the demands...

'the only truly happy people in the world are married women and single men'

I hope you/I really are/am able to enjoy the things that matter once again. I see myself in the same situation as I write this reply. I have lost friends and constantly have to apologize to family. I am a very strong person until I see my daughters face. If there was a way I could leave this woman and not ruin my daughter I would end this now. I would give my life for hers so 17 1/2 more years is nothing. I wish all the best and will keep you all in my prayers right after the one that I hope she just up and leaves. She an attractive woman if anyone wants arm candy as long as you don't expect a conversation about anything not on Facebook or out of her trailer park mothers mouth. Lesson learned "**** the tree and the apples I'll take a Heineken!"

You hit the nail on the head. There is no way that it is just coinsidental that you described my life to a "t" except the Beetle's part.



If these stupid women would for half a second attempt to be an encouragement to their husbands, great things could be accomplished. The women are single handedly destroying our families. Even though I shouldn't, I hate my wife tremendously for her negative, nagging, double standards, hateful, selfish, rude, uncaring, discouraging, whining, pittiful attitude, unthankful, story telling self.



Her only since of satisfaction is to attempt to bring me down and destroy whatever I am doing for my family. It is absolutely hateworthy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The stupid ****.

hmmmmm...

you are very bitter



the "duffel bag" statement is true for 95% of men, though

you must understand though that

women are nesters.. so they are the one's who want a home and a swimming pool is a good thing to have if you and her like to swim or have children that like to swim.



the "fat" comment was stated and then you made the remark about scars...hmmmm

so I think perhaps you may be superficial in that area as she is, but you keep it more deep within.



the rest of your story would be very painful for her to read I think, but maybe she should read it, it might wake her up.. seriously... wake he up...



good luck

I never had a man do a 10th of those things for me that you have done

she is very lucky, you just have to remind her... and mean it of course...

you leaving for awhile will be a good thing.. make her worry...



try marriage counseling,

I think your resentment level is so peaked ,

counseling should of happened long time ago, then you would not be in the place you are now..

That was the most interesting writting I have ever read, it made my stomach turn. Very powerful. It saddened me to read that she won by taking romantic love away. Do you think most woman are so superficial and life devouring?

Thanks for posting this... a big slap of truth

Quite inspiring...and sad. But, also the norm for so many years for many men, but that doesn't make it right. I'm so sorry you got jipped by the thought of a "happy, loving" marriage. There is no such thing, not truly. Sure, maybe for newlyweds, in the beginning....but then, like your story enfolded...reality sets in and kicks you in the rear. Good luck to you sir!

It seems this was written a few years ago.I feel so sad for you.I am so sorry you where so unhappy and hurt.I feel bad for you to have lost hope for ture love.My heart breaks with the thought of not having that love.I hope things have changed for you and you now have that love.I hope you have found that.

Funny how similar your experience is to mine. The kicker: that daughter you're raising will never appreciate you either. I do hope you contemplate your next move.



Yes, you can have an affair, etc., but you'll still have to come back to this scowling ***** eventually, as a guest in the home you've bought and paid for. Is it really worth it?



Get out. Go see an attorney. I left my ****, and took only 1000 dollars and an old car. That was less than a year ago. Right now I've recovered and exceeded any of my old life and lifestyle that I had during our 15 years of hell marriage. I can't imagine the useless, used up husk I was, only a year ago. Had I done this ten years ago (when the ho showed her true colours) I would be that much better off now.



Men: divorce your wives. You'll have more money (even with all the c/s you still will), a better life, better relationships, more and better sex, and just more of everything being single.

Thank you for writing this. I truly enjoyed the ironic humor! I never realized how funny it would be to see someone place the entire weight of their own situation on someone else, without taking one iota of the blame. Very good stuff! The part where you claim you will "win," without realizing that just fighting this imaginary war, per se, means you have already lost, was icing on the humor cake.

This is perfect. I will do the same.

I just discovered this site and came across your post. I'm not sure if my comments are wanted but I felt inclined to post them anyways;) I find your situation to be incredibly sad and I wish you all the best in detaching yourself from your sad excuse of a wife. That being said I must disagree with your sweeping, negative comments about marriage and wives in general. A marriage does not have to be this way and not all women are selfish, loveless, worthless people. My husband has done many of the things for me that you say you've done for your wife (i.e. raising my child as his own and stepping up for our daughter) and I show him and tell him every day how much I respect, love and admire him as a man and a husband. I'm sure it's difficult to see after 20 years of what you've gone through but good women do exist and good marriages are possible.

Execellent writing. You should publish a book. I think if more men knew about how their future brides were going to treat them maybe they would think twice before getting involved without a contract. Imagine how different your life could have been had you had your wife signed a contract clearly stating your expectations. Unfortunately most men don't think that women who love them could ever become so evil.

Write your book. I'd buy it and share it with every guy on the planet.

Stay strong my brother.

K

Thank you for writing this. I connect with you in many ways. I have not been able to pinpoint the exact words to use - but after reading your "Contract" - I feel you have expressed the sentiment that I could not. The emptyness feelings that has caused you to find this group is your flight reflex. You are a good person - I read that. I hope putting your thoughts to paper allow you to somehow stop the bleeding and carry on in a way that makes sense to you and allows you to uphold your principals. Best wishes.

It is the fact that so many wives use their husband's decency against them that is most wounding. Maybe only ratbags should get married?

I could not agree with you more on living out of a duffle bag. Materialism is so pathetic. I could burn my house and its contents to the ground and not lose sleep over it.

Thank You for your story.



Also, open an off-shore or maybe Swiss bank account. Make sure the money is not easy to trace and put money away for your eventual freedom.

I think I feel a little bit of your pain. Definitely not to the magnitude you express here, but to some degree. I posted my first story on here tonight, about an issued my wife and I had about her wanting me to sell some pint glasses that have sentimental value to me. She made it into an issue about "us living as roommates and not as husband and wife". But to me, it was the same thing you said.... She was reducing our relationship to material things, and using those to define how she feels about our connection.



It makes me feel cheap to think that she uses something like that to describe the overall nature of our relationship.



As far as sex goes... We're less than a year into the marriage, and we're probably on a once or twice a month schedule. I can't remember the last time I would've said we "made love". It's never spontaneous, it's never naughty, it's never fun. It just happens. She suggests it at about 8pm, then by 10 it's the furthest thing from her mind and the first thing on mine.



This crap has got to stop. But who's going to stop it?

Good stuff. I urge you to share your story with young men, the ones who still have a chance to avoid marriage. That is one way to make sense of this suffering, to give it meaning: save others from the same fate.

This is marriage post feminism. Thank you for adding another testimony gained through immense undeserved misery. Please share this story with as many men as possible, especially those that are lucky or smart enough to still be single.



Best of fortune to you on removing the leach and obtaining freedom.