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I Used to Love Her, But I'm Over That Now

She is intelligent, talented, and, in her way, attractive.

HOWEVER, she is also narcissistic, rude, uncaring, self-absorbed, and extremely given to self-pity. She has cheated on me, wooing an ex-high school boyfriend with complete hog-wash stories about how tough, yet romantic her life is despite the fact that her husband – me – is mentally unstable. Unhappy with my life is not the same as experiencing extreme bipolar symptoms. She spends the money needed for rent, bills, and medical care for the kids, as if we had endless supplies of cash (and, when confronted on this "problem," gets weepy and says, "I know! I'm terrible. It's all my fault!" Yes, I point out, it IS all your fault, but that leads only to her storming off in a huff (sometime a minute and a huff) and takes it out on the kids. Where does the money go? She spends it on . . . gad, I rarely know what. Booze? If so, I only wish she were at least happier. On someone else? Fine, he/she/they/it can have her! In the meanwhile, we are about to be evicted from our house (we've only been there a few months) and have our car repossessed. And our power, gas, and water turned off (a moot point, yes, if we are evicted, but still . . .)

I’d leave in a heartbeat but for the facts that I haven’t the money to go anywhere and that the kids have a tough enough time, dumping them with an almost out of control mad woman is more than they deserve.
SomeGuy SomeGuy 46-50, M 31 Responses Sep 14, 2006

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Welcome to the club Goddess she says she is and Hellhound is what she is.

LOOK DO WHAT YOU SEE FIT, MAKE SURE WHAT YOU DO FITS YOU

I don't understand why men think that leaving their wife means leaving the kids with her. I left my ex and took my son. there is no law saying that they have to stay with her while you get out. my ex fought me on it and now I have sole physical and legal custody. hang in there. there is hope. but don't let the kids be the reason you leave yourself in an abusive situation

YOU ARE RIGHT, MAN HAS JUST AS MUCH CUSTODY OVER THERE CHILDREN AS WELL AS WOMAN

Wow! She sounds just like my husband (minus the cheating - not a positive though, as I think this is only because he has absolutely NO sex drive). I didn't konw women were capable of such disgusting qualities. Hang in there - you are not alone!!!

RIGHT

Ugh!!! What IS it about my own gender that they cannot and will not get their emotional shite together??? I can be as emotional as the next woman. I do, after all, have estrogen in my bloodstream. Do I have kids? No. BUT...I DO know something about how, after childbirth, a woman's hormones can be completely fouled up because a growing fetus, or two or three, is draining on a woman's levels of a VERY important endocrine hormone known as thyroxine, whicj comes from the thyroid. Thyroxine is responsible for not just metabolism, but how the brain creates and sustains proper levels of melatonin and serotonin. HOW do I know this without having had kids? 1) I was born hypothyroid, and I know just how important it is to my physical and emotional well-being to remember my medicine. 2) My mom is very open about her experiences with post-partum depression, and she knows now that it had everything to do with the fact that I was growing inside her and not much was known about the thyroid-serotonin connection when I was born. 3) Besides my own experience, I read a lot.

Now, all that aside, there is no excuse for my gender to be this crass, this manipulative, this narcissistic. Blaming others for their problems is NOT a sign of emotional maturity, regardless of being grown women, physically. I have had to personally deal with the fallout of my grandmother treating my dad like sh*t just because she had a fanatical idea of how men should be and my dad did NOT measure up. In fact, she had an attitude about EVERYONE...and she ended up dying aline in the hospice center at 90-odd years.

*alone* I mean. Man, typing on my phone is a pain sometimes!

I personally choose NOT to go looking for the kind of relationship I desire until I pass my own personal test of emotional and spiritual maturity. I have certain criteria for a relationship, yes. I require my future partner not to smoke. That is a deal-maker/breaker. On that count I refuse to bend. Many other issues are mostly negotiable. Any other requirements are mostly on me, towards myself, based on my own higher standards of what it means to be a loving, compassionate human.

...ok, now I'm definitely not having kids. Kinda fond of my serotonin (& metabolism)!

well at least she is not an alcoholic , there is a reason wives are called the old ball and chain and now you know why .

Yeah, cuz they're b*tches...

ALL THAT MEDICAL ,OK OK SHE IS JUST A BIT---

is this your bi-polar diagnosis or a doctor who specializes, because an MD can not make that diagnosis..<br />
IF she was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.. <br />
and not taking meds then that is a ba<x>ses for custodial joint custody, meaning the kids will live with you and she gets lenient visitation.<br />
to me if she is NOT professionally diagnosed then have her go to a free clinic to find a psychiatrist that will see her pro bono. just have to call city hall to find the free clinic in your area. She may only be depressed.. seems money is the #1 reason for depression<br />
start with that<br />
then get a second job<br />
then marriage counseling<br />
then see where you are at

RIGHT

Um u don't have to dump the kids with her, you can take them with you and leave... work an extra job for a month to save up some money, file bankruptcy... take the kids and bounce on the losers.. .You have options if you want to go take your kids and leave...

WOW MAN TELL IT LIKE IT IS LOL

Dear SomeGuy...<br />
<br />
Believe me. Your story is a cake-walk compared to mine. You have two choices. Divorce or stay & try to change the situation. I decided to stay for the sake of my four kids. people say you should leave for the sake of the kids...that's stupid. Abandoning your children is the most traumatic thing that can happen to your kids. Besides, do you really want your progeny raised by a bi-polar person. Your children need to have two parents.<br />
<br />
There are several steps to take to try and save your children's future and sanity. Notice that I neither mentioned you nor your wife. This is because basically both of you no longer matter. Your happiness in life will come from having children that love you and will take care of you when you can no longer work. Furthermore, you will teach your children that abandoning the family is not an option. Family is the most important thing in life.<br />
<br />
Before you begin, you must make sure that you are the perfect family man. No drinking, no fooling around with other women. Be there for the kids when they need you. Provide food, a roof, and a good education for the kids and your wife. <br />
<br />
Step1- cut off the money. This is the fuel for her behavior. Give her a minimal allowance that covers costs of makeup and other womanly needs. If she spends it she gets no more.<br />
<br />
Step2- keep her busy. Make Her get a job, keep the house clean, help the kids with homework. Whatever. By the end of the day she should be exhausted. If she refuses, call her mother, brother, best friend, whoever. You need someone to witness that she doesn't help the family. Women hate embarassment. if she still refuses to help, cut off 100% of the money since she is not contributing to the well being of the family.<br />
<br />
Step3- document everything. If you are too lazy to write everything down, you néed to have witnesses around to testify later of her behavior. get help. Her family, your family, anyone you trust. Or, better yet...anyone she trusts. They will turn against her once they see her real side. Or, she will be so embarrassed that she will start to change.<br />
<br />
Step4- under no circumstances do you grant her a divorce...unless she begs you and agrees to give up the kids and alimony. either way a judge will stand by you in the end if you can show that you did everything in your power to keep the family together and that you will be able to provide the kids with Supervision when they get home from school.

I can relate to all posts! Last night the ***** went after me again for no reason. My 3 year old son asked me what's wrong daddy? Don't be upset, it will be ok. His words fueled me, not because I believe him, but because I stay for him! When this little dude turns 18, divorce papers. I hope to last that long. My kids wont be raised by a fn bipolar lunatic! What's wrong with these fn women?! Grow the f up and realize how good you have it!

Its admirable that your are staying fro your children, however is it truly what is best for them. Your children learn alot about financial and emotional stability and relationships from you and your wife. Is what they're learning the right lesson for them? Your children deserve to learn the best lessons possible from you. Make sure that your staying and not leaving and taking them with you is truly the best for them. <br />
<br />
Also, you should speak to an attorney. If nothing else many attorneys have free consultations so you can at least try to get some legal advice. Also, if you need help finding an attorney you can afford you can always call your state bar association. Most states have a low-cost lawyer referral program set-up to help people meet their legal needs. You can also ask your employer about an employee help line. Many employers have programs set up to help people in your postion. <br />
<br />
Don't give up on your right to have a loving and equal partnership relationship. You deserve it and so do your kids. You should definitely contact an attorney or even speak with your local child protection agency perhaps they could help point you in a good direction (speak with the attorney first though). <br />
<br />
Good luck to you and may God bless you and your family.

ONE YOU SHOULD OF NEVER GIVE HER MONEY TO PAY ANYTHING IF YOU KNEW THAT SHE WOULD SPEND IT. TWO SHE NEEDS HELP SERIOUS HELP. THREE YOU NEED TO BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS AND PRAY THAT GOD WILL HELP YOU GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION. TRY TO ASK FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO HELP YOU SAVE YOUR HOUSE. THEN WHEN U DO. DONT HAVE A JOIN ACCOUNT WITH HER. DONT GIVE HER ANY MONEY. TRY TO GET HER SOME HELP. IF SHE CHEATS ON YOU TRY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, IF SHE CONTINUES, DO WHAT YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO DO. BUT ALWAYS PRAY AND ASK THE LORD TO HELP YOU BOTH.

are you going to man up or just lay there and bleed? she sounds abusive and everyone is abusive in their own way,

this is all too common of a theme y'all. typically the woman who acts like this will refuse any type of counseling, like mine does, and when they go, all they do is lie through their teeth to make the husband seem like the one who is unstable. that's the tragedy. most of you haven't had to go live in a tent or even lesser living conditions due to a break up so it's easy to toss around phrases and cliches like "man up" and "peace of mind". take it from a guy who tends to put up with a lot of **** just to try and have some love in his life. lots of women, not all, but most, will not only take advantage of a decent guy, but ruin him with constant treatment of this manner. i too have had the rent gone unpaid and every bill behind by at least two months, payday loans from every imaginable place and her digital cable the only thing active. afterward she took the liberty of spreading as much halftruth about me that folks would believe she=good and me=bad. the thing one doesn't realize about these situations, to see just one smile from my little one's face is worth sticking around for just a few more years. weighing the situation if we were separated would place the child in such a lousy state of mind, verses having both parents living at home to help with homework and all other parental involvement is hands down the better arrangement if we can get over the financial hump. the only thing is getting the nerve to just TAKE the damn money back. i had to threaten and steal my own money to get control of it. it will be bumpy for a while but if she's as friggin worthless as you say, she'll stay for free money. this is how to get the rent paid and bills back on track and you can work it to where she THINKS she's getting over.

Sorry to hear about that, bro. Don't know if it was love or just bedazzlement in the beginning. We men have a lot of emotions in us, but we lack the knowledge of how and where to apply them as well as how heavily to invest them.<br />
<br />
Love is not acceptance. It is not forgiving. It is not allowing another to act in a way that becomes risky or dangerous to us or our peace of mind.<br />
<br />
Love is strong. It is hard. Love has meaning and purpose. We define our direction in life by our morals and love makes us bring others to that path.<br />
<br />
You have a long fight ahead of you. Consult with others on how to direct the situation so that you can get what you want most from it. If what you really need is one less wife, so be it - talk to a lawyer NOW. If what you really need is a wife under your control, there may yet be a way...<br />
<br />
Let me know if you'd like to pursue the latter.

Joshua 1:9

I agree you are a man, to care so much for the kids.

you are being played am manipulated to the max,you will have to be tough if your planning to stick this out,dont allow any more crap,your one step ahead in that you know its crap,so just dont put up with it,nomatter what nonsense is said,either that or get away from the situation,or your kid s ,may turn out he same ,set an example to teach them that this is no ok

Wow - our wives are clones.<br />
If I leave mine - the kids will have to live with a borderline bipolar nutcase.<br />
No options.

First time for me. I could write a book about how crazy my wife is, but when I come to write about it, my mind goes blank. One example of my wifes behaviour is that she is always picking fights with people. We run a shop on a Railway Station, so we rely on the goodwill of people for our income. My wife seems hell-bent on wrecking this , she is always rude to people. They come in the shop when she is not there and tell me what she has said to them. Last week she even made one woman cry, because she was not speaking clearly. When I try to speak to her about these things she just says that she doesn't care.

hello men....there are over 500 posts of women hating their mother in laws and disowning their husbands family entirely. They think they are protecting their children and they feel their husbands should stand up to their own mothers (causing a rift) to let their wives know that they are loved. Please read and comment. there is not one man's point of view on this matter. Please join it.

My wife is in the process of doing the same thing. She has cheated on me last year and made a pretty unfavorable opinion about herself with my family and friends. She begged me to take her back and I did. Now that she is pregnant and having a baby, she is in the process of cutting them out of the babys life manipulating the situation and saying they are mean to her. She said she went through my phone and saw that they thought she was immature and selfish. So she now won't allow them at the hospital when the baby is born and is setting the tone for how things will be. She is using the baby as leverage saying its for the good of the baby because if she is stressed that they are there, then the baby will be stressed. All they want is to be part of the baby's life, true, they are not fond of her, but have always been very nice to her and have given her gifts on birthdays, christmas's with nothing in return from my wife except comments to me about how she does not like them (when they aren't around). After taking her back I thought we were on the right track, but now that the baby is on the way she is going back to her selfish ways. It's almost as if she was on good behavior to get me to take her back and not leave her, and now she has leverage of having my son she can act how she wants again.

muning444, is there a reason you called me a ******* *****, or are you just another run of the mill cyber freak a$$ wipe cyber stalker?<br />
<br />
Or perhaps you are mentally ill and using asterisks against people you don't know soothes the savage beast within you? <br />
<br />
Hey dude, if that's what you are. Whatever works for you, but whatever you are, if you're gonna throw your balls off here there and everywhere, you ought to at least <br />
<br />
1. Have some EP stories of your own to offer up. <br />
<br />
2. Give advice if you have any to offer. <br />
<br />
SomeGuy asked for advice, if you have none to offer then stay the quiet ball less cyber stalker that you are.

I have heard that almost always the mother gets the kids no matter how bad of a mother or person she is. So I can understand SomeGuy's fears. I think you are manning up by sticking by your kids. How many kids do you have btw?<br />
<br />
Also, get your family into counseling, not to save your marriage because it's my belief that people don't really change, and if they do they will just do it temporarily until you get off their back then they are back to their bad attitudes. In time she might change but that could take years that you and your kids don't have the time to waste. <br />
<br />
I"m suggesting the counseling so that the therapist will have a record of your wife's antics, and you can use them against her later when you might have to prove before a judge her bad parenting skills. Right now she is using you to cover herself. <br />
<br />
When my husband and I were first married I was very difficult to live with. I was rude, selfish and I wasn't very nice to our first born son whom I blamed all my problems on. I was very mentally unstable but I didn't seek treatment. One day my husband told me point blank to "Shape up or ship out!" It was then that I decided to change myself as I got tired of the bitching, ranting self loathing person I was. But that's the key there, I DECIDED!!!! You can't decide for her and you can't make her, no one can. By the time she makes the decision your kids might be grown and scarred. And you have allot of living left to do for your own self.<br />
<br />
If your kids can't have two happy parents, they will be very happy to have one that is happy, and they will still be happy just to know the other is still around.<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you, you've got allot of decisions to make. <br />
<br />
In regards to the money situation. Give her grocery money and a small allowance. If she works then split the bills 50/50, or instead tell her she is responsible for buying food and paying the utilities. This way if there is no food or utilities she will know it was her fault, and it might make her more responsible.<br />
<br />
It sounds like things might have spiraled too far out of control for that to work. Again, good luck to you.

Thanks Sidira, that is good to know.<br />
<br />
a good website with resources on how to find legal services if you can't afford them is: <br />
<br />
findlegalhelp.org. <br />
<br />
i believe it is run by the ABA. good luck!

It's quite common in a separation situation for one spouse to leave with the children, Labyrinth. It still will have to eventually be sorted out in court and custody decided by a judge though, so there is no guarantee that he'd be able to keep them.

In fact, it's unlikely he'll even get partial custody in most states. This is the alternative welfare system for women. The 1% don't have to make a contribution to society and society doesn't have to feel guilty about skill-less women on the streets.

i am very curious what people mean by "take the children". is that legal? i am not making a moral argument here. i am asking whether it is legal for one parent to just take off with the kids. somehow i doubt it but i would be happy to be wrong.<br />
<br />
this seems like a very very tough situation SomeGuy. i think your very first step should be to make an appointment with a lawyer. sadly, you probably don't have a few hundred dollars sitting around for that purpose. this is a stab in the dark, but you might google your state or town plus the words legal aid. in some places legal aid offices provide family law services also. <br />
<br />
good luck. let us know how it goes.

i am very curious what people mean by "take the children". is that legal? i am not making a moral argument here. i am asking whether it is legal for one parent to just take off with the kids. somehow i doubt it but i would be happy to be wrong.<br />
<br />
this seems like a very very tough situation SomeGuy. i think your very first step should be to make an appointment with a lawyer. sadly, you probably don't have a few hundred dollars sitting around for that purpose. this is a stab in the dark, but you might google your state or town plus the words legal aid. in some places legal aid offices provide family law services also. <br />
<br />
good luck. let us know how it goes.

Hell live in a tent and take your kids with you, it sounds like she doesn't deserve them. Who cares if u live for a while in he basement of someone's house, isnt peace of mind and happiness worth it? I'd rather do that, than stay where you are.

I wholeheartedly agree with the statement of peace of mind and happiness I hope you find that soon for your sake and childrens...

i don't wanna give advice but if you don't leave her you will become dead on the inside and won't be any good to anyone especially your kids.

becoming dead on the inside is the easier of the two options. YES OPTIONS. there are multiple. however if youre using their kids as a basis for making decisions then stay together. Getting divorced is the WORST POSSIBLE THING TO DO for kids. Its horrible. scars them mentally, statistics say theyre far more likely to have unhappy marriages themselves if they ever get married, theyre likely to blame themselves, or distrust all relationships, etc.
and the parents use the kids-will-be-better-off as an excuse to justify it. THe kids would have been better with the parents staying together. The kids would have been great if the parents didnt need them to stay together but had a foundation of making deliberate choices to love one another when the feelings arent there.

Man up dude!!!!