Always Arguing!

 Since day one of our relationship, my wife and I have argued like cat and dog. Half the time I think she just enjoys pushing my buttons by coming up with unreasonable things that she's gonna do just to wind me up.

I haven't worked for a year but have had some income from being a freelance writer. As is par for the course, she revels in letting me know that she's the main breadwinner everytime we argue. She does work hard, I acknowledge that, but everytime she's home we argue and I've had enough. 5 years is enough.

She has decided to do some job training but it will mean we lose our house to repossession as there won't be enough money coming in (I'm not joking!) and even though I have explained this she's still adamant that she's doing the training because it will improve HER life in the long run - not ours? Like having a house repossessed will somehow be an improvement!!

Anyway, I have just found a job and will be starting work in the next couple of weeks, so what with the income from that and the writing I will be able to support myself by renting somewhere cheap, so I'm thinking about moving out and leaving her with her training, house repo and her dopey ideas!

Chippy02 Chippy02 36-40, M 3 Responses Oct 14, 2009

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Great comment, Cobalt! I signed in just to say this.

You didn't mention that you had kids, so I'm going to assume that you don't, and if that's true, we should both jump for joy, because exiting this toxic relationship will be MUCH easier.

The main problem here is your wife's character (no need to go into details; you've done that already). The situation you're in has exposed your wife for who she really is. You're not working (or you're not the main bread-winner) - for women of weak constitution and cruel nature who lack genuine insight (unfortunately about 95% of Western women), this is dangerous territory, and if there's a monster inside, it comes out now. And it has. This situation skews the "natural" power structure of the relationship, because in Western civilization the money-maker calls the shots (like it or not). This has transferred the lion's share of relational, emotional, and social power to your wife, and she has abused this power, which means that she's abusing you.

However, the fact that you're not working doesn't give her a pass to be abusive. To misquote Shakespeare, 'all boats float equally well on a calm sea.' It is in difficult times that one's true character emerges; when things are going well, any schmuck can be pleasant.

When noted horror writer Dean Koontz was trying to become an author, he struck up a deal with his wife: they both agreed that he would give it his best shot for 5 years. If he couldn't become a professional writer in that time, he would join the rest of us schlubs who set an alarm each morning. But he made it, and now he and his wife are living the good life. He got a good one, YOU DIDN'T. And neither did I, but I'm divorced now (best thing to come out of my marriage).

When I was in grad school and my ex was working, she never let me forget who was bringing in more money. She said this gem to me once: "Every day that you don't work, I lose a little more respect for you!" This from a semi-literate redneck hillbilly [well sweetie, I've got 2 masters degrees and a doctorate, and I'm making over 6 figures, so who's angry now?]. But I digress.

Why would you want to spend another minute in your awful situation? Get out while you still can. And when she calls you incessantly, crying, apologizing, and swearing that she's 'changed' (HA!), DON'T TAKE HER BACK - SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, SHE WILL GET MUCH WORSE AS SHE AGES. Trust me on that one. And watch out for sex - if she knows you're planning an escape, she may try to get herself pregnant. And if she does get suddenly pregnant, GET A DNA TEST AT BIRTH!!! You'd be surprised how many men are raising another man's progeny (perhaps as high as 25%).

So go and reclaim your privacy, your self-respect, your autonomy, your freedom, your happiness, and (above all), your PEACE. I cannot stress strongly enough the value of peace. I have been divorced now for 7 years, and I still celebrate the return of the prodigal fraternal twins PEACE and LOGIC. Things make sense once more, and when I come home I have no one abusing me.

However, you must plan your escape carefully. DON'T let her know that you're seeking a divorce. Go and talk to a divorce lawyer, and do it secretly. It sounds as it you haven't been married for too long - it should be relatively easy to sever all ties without mortgaging your soul or your future. You want to exit this marriage unscathed; you don't want to have to pay this witch alimony, child support, or anything el$e. As she is the money maker here, perhaps you could fight to have HER pay YOU alimony (unlikely, but there are precedents). But consider this angle: the 'threat' of her paying you alimony may provide you with some leverage, and may encourage her to exit quietly and easily. But again, consult with a good divorce lawyer, and plan your escape carefully.

And my final advice to you is this: when you do get divorced, DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN. Luck, Mate.

PS: from one writer to another, I hope you enjoyed the way I put words together (said humbly).

That sounds like a GREAT!!!!! idea. I mean it! You said it yourself she wants to improve HER LIFE. She already doesn't care what really happens to you.

When you leave she will cry, beg, and plead for you to come back. "Everything will change." "I didn't mean what I said." Blah Blah Blah.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT! Don't feel bad and go back. Don't wrongly think well maybe it will get better this time or maybe it will change. Those are wrong thoughts.

Make her be responsible for herself and her Dopey Ideas. It sounds like she deserves it.