Why Should I?


My girlfriend (whom I met in 1997) and I bought a house 10 years ago together in a rural waterfront area which has increased in to four times its original value. 

I am in my early 40s and my wife is in her early 50s so she is deep in perimenopause.  We are not married, only common law.  We work together in the same business we both own.  We have no children together.  She has a son in his mid twenties living in a town 45 minutes away. 

Her ex and her ex's wife live there as do her ex's in-laws whom she calls her parents.  She is very close to her ex's parents I guess because hers passed away long ago.  She is not close with my family but neither am I. 

A few months ago she went on a vacation with her girlfriends for a couple of weeks and came back with some new ideas about having a sports car.  I told her all the reasons this was a bad idea.  Her current car is only three years old and almost paid for.  In great shape and perfect for what she needs.  Sports car in an area that has winter for at least six months?  So she gave up on that pretty quick.  I'm thinking mid life crisis?  Perimenopause?

About a month ago her ex father in-law ends up in the hospital and she has decided to visit daily.  She sometimes stays overnight with her ex mother in-law.  She wants to be closer to all of them and wants us to move. 

I love my home, the property, my friends here but she is tired of the area and wants to live within five minutes of town.

I told her to move in with her in-laws but she wants to sell our house and move.  I can't seem to reason with her.  Our house is almost paid for, well built and maintained by me but she says it requires too much effort to keep and is too isolated for her. 

I will never live in town or close to one so she is dreaming if she thinks I will follow her and she knows it.  Still she tries to find reasons that I should move.

Because of her perimenopause she doesn't want to have sex.  None for over nine months.  So considering all of this, why should I move with her?

kseagal kseagal
41-45, M
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

You are one smart mother f^*%^* for not marrying this woman. Tell her if she loves her ex-husband and his family so much then she can go and f*&^ing live with them. There's no need for you to give her any compensation either since she is the one who wants to move in with her EXs. There is no need for you to get dragged into their weird, dysfunctional circle. I mean WTF, she's best friends with her ex and his wife and his parents? If dysfunction had a case study, this would be it!!

You need to be careful mate. The American Legal Institute (ALI) is trying to change laws so that cohabiting breakups are treated just like divorces.<br />
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It sounds like you've made a lot of good moves in your life, financially speaking. I don't know whose name is on the deed, but I'd do my best to buy her out of the house, give her a fair financial settlement, and then KEEP THE HOUSE IN YOUR NAME AND LIVE THERE ALONE. This is a good time to re-finance with housing values being down. Yes, this will mean you're taking on a mortgage, but welcome to the club. Be very careful: you're in a good position to lose everything, and you need to plan NOW and be smart, and make wise moves. Consider getting advice from an attorney.<br />
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Also, the vacations, nights away, sports car fantasy, and "close relationship" with the ex-in laws have my alarm bells flashing a little. Be very careful mate. Good luck.