Sorry To Interrupt

My husband and I had a major blow out recently.  Really it pales in comparison to the years of fighting we've gone through.  Of the seven years we've been married so far I have to say this last one has been the best and even then it's been hell.

I found this group after googling "why does my husband hate me".  I didn't expect any answers or even any experiences similar to mine.  I don't know why I asked.  I'm glad I did though.

I read story after story.  Page after page.  In all of them I hear my husband's voice.  I'm fat.  I'm lazy.  I'm mean.  After about page 10 I realized it wasn't his voice I hear, it's mine.  I started to confront the truth about myself.  Though my husband may have his problems, the vast majority of them have come from me.  It's been my insecurities, my inability to let go and constantly victimizing myself.  I've become a fat lazy alcoholic abusive *****.  I've picked and nagged and abused and tried to make him as rotten as I've let myself become.  It has been a living hell of my own making and it's still sinking in.  I'm still too ashamed to say it out loud to anyone, even him, but I'm sure plenty of people I know already know it.

These stories have been a real eye opener.  I don't want to be like your wives.  I don't want to be that kind of woman (for my own sake!).  It's been two weeks since I found this site.  I've stopped drinking cold.  I've cleaned the house.  I put down the chips, turned off the tv and went outside.  I already see a change in my children.  Even my husband seems cautiously happier.  I'm looking into therapy to confront my insecurities and addiction.  I can't do it alone and I can't force my husband to fix it for me.

My regret is that it took miserable stories from strangers on the internet for something inside to finally click instead of seeing the miserable faces of my husband and children everyday.  I don't mean to interrupt your posts, I just want to thank you for sharing your experiences.

abusivewife abusivewife
26-30, F
8 Responses Mar 21, 2010

Wow i didn't expect for any woman to realize when the problem it's really hers...I mean i am a woman and i am careful about these things only because my mother makes us all miserable for every of her problems and i don't want to become my mother...Truth is for realizing what's wrong you're already 10 times better than you have been before and the next thing you have to learn is to tell when something is wrong and you don't like it with a calmer mood.

Yes, get help, addiction is a terribly hard thing, you can do it tho, with a lot of support. Good for you!

keep going outside..<br />
and cancel the tv <br />
get help

i hope you are sincere. I am not married but my sister has the same deep rooted accountability and self respect issues that you an many others describe on this site. She has these bright spots where, everything changes. She takes up some new cause, starts going to the gym and takes an interest in her self. Several weeks later, its back to the same, sorry routine. Erratic behavior, indulging in excesses, abusive and accusatory behavior. Often times running to the "trigger" men in her life. These behavior patterns and mental issues take years of self development and personal accountability to over come. I do however, feel that, at least in the moment you posted this and wrote about, you are sincere. As that "it was my voice" is a HUGE step in self realization. I had the same thing and that was a crucial step for me. Good luck to you and your family

life's not about having no problems. it's about how you deal with those problems. keep on keeping on. you are brave.

Dear AbusiveWife<br />
<br />
Well at least you admit to destroying you husbands world, which is better than most women do. However I don't have a lot of confidence that things will change. You like most of our wives will follow the status quo until we get up the strenghth, or our children get old enough to leave you. Then you will play the victim and blame us (as always) for all your own problems. I hope you are different. You will be the first.<br />
<br />

Keep it up. May you and your husband, your marriage, and your children be all the better for it. For all the self-effort in the world, follow through on the counselling idea anyways. A good counsellor could help even the slightly confused person. Sounds like you'll benefit because you want to. Congrats to all the other men here who had the courage to write, so after about 10 pages you could see yourself in their stories too!!

I really applaud you for taking these first steps to fixing your problems.<br />
<br />
It takes a LOOOOOOOOT of courage to admit to yourself that you are causing the people in your life pain. No matter how you got to the first step of admitting it, whether it be because you read stories by strangers on the internet, you should be really proud of yourself for wanting to change.<br />
<br />
I hope you get better and I wish you lots of luck with dealing with your problems. I'm sure you will have the support of your husband and children as they see you continue to make positive changes in both your life and theirs.