Where to Begin...

This is just one of the many things that has gnawed at my inside for a long time. I have tried EVERYTHING to stop myself from feeling this way. Told myself i am good enough, smart enough, and beautiful enough. I don't know when i started feeling like this, like i didn't deserve to be alive. And the worst part is, i am terrified of living the life i have with this big secret over my head. I don't remember the last time i went to bed without crying and without imagining numerous ways to die, not to feel, not to cry, just not to be. I have never shared this part of me with anyone. To everyone who knows me and to every stranger on the street, i am a happy girl filled with life's best gifts and with the best of friends and family. I put up a fake smile, a fake voice and a fake outer appearance to cover the ugliness i feel inside. I don't know who i am and where i am going in life. I don't know what to do with myself. All i do is cry and question myself all the time. I honestly believe that the one thing that has kept me from throwing myself off of my 14th floor apartment, kind of cliche, is my ipod. I go everywhere with it, and the sad part is, i don't liseten to happy, rainbowy songs, i listen to the dark, deadly, sad, heartbreaking songs, that make me realize that there are so many people in this world that feel so out of place, disconnected, and dark all the time. A day doesn't go by without me thinking why i keep breathing and living when i already feel so dead inside? i don't write this to bring anybody down. I write this becuase if i keep it bottled inside, that i just might leave this world without anyone knowing why.

P.S. my face is soaked as i write this, its good to know that at least one person might turn their head and pay attention to the real me for the first time in my life.

whatme21 whatme21
Mar 2, 2009