Enjoying Causing Emotional Pain ...

Okay, so I stopped talking to my best friend a month and a half ago, mainly because he'd been a gargantuan selfish douchebag and I did not want to waste more than one brainwave on that problem. He was the one who'd started this 'feud' (by talking behind my back with surprisng vehemence while I was away from college due to an accident) so I assumed it was not my duty to mend our friendship, since all I did after that first wave of hate was ignore him and carry on with my life until his act got tired.

SO, eventually he contacted me to ask me if there was any chance that I could forgive him, that we could be like we were before, you get the idea. Of course, I was still very annoyed with him, and he seemed to be in a pretty messed up part of his life, so I said I was still thinking, and I stalled. He sent me other messages, telling me that he reeeaally needed me, that he missed me, lahlahlah. I stalled again, still unsure of what to do exactly, if I even cared enough about our friendship to try mending it.

Almost one month later, we're on the verge of having this 'conversation' where we're supposed to talk about what happened and everything, but things keep happening and making it impossible to happen.

One of his very good friends (whom I assume is his 'back-up' BFF) IMs me, asking me what's going on with him, because he's being really weird. He's been weird ever since I stopped talking to him.

And I found myself unconsciously smiling behind the screen.

What the hell is wrong with me? I realized that I've been stalling this because, I actually enjoy seeing him feel like ****. I see him crumble, people tell me of how much he's changed. He's dropping out of college, he's taking weed almost everyday and speed on weekends. He looks like hell.

And yet, it's like I'm amazed at how much power I have over his emotions... I feel horrible doing this. And noticing this made me realize that I've always liked it. It brought back memories of random events where I had caused someone pain and at how much ... pride, satisfaction, maybe? I'd felt. I pratically swell up from the gratification this gives me. I don't really know what to do, I feel like a horrible person. Ugh.


NoQuestionsAsked NoQuestionsAsked
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 19, 2009

Isn't it obvious. Go back to him. The stronger person is the one who can suck it up and take the beating by forgiving the other. If you can't help him out of this situation, it only makes you more of a selfish and unkind person. So what if he did talk about you negatively. Is it worth it now that he's on drugs and out of school? Is it really that fun to mess with another human being like that? Help him out, he'll learn from this and you'll be the heroin. Then you can let your pride swell up.