I Have No Reason To Live

My hate story begins from the day is was born. Am the black sheep and weed of the family. Was always compared to the other kids and was told of how i pale in comparison to my cousins and world at large.. My parents have a horrible relationship and would be much better of living seperatley but they wont. Even though i always lived as the unwanted one, i had hope and dreams when i was younger. I dreamed of having great career, great education, and finding someone who wil love me and accept me for what i am and that kept me going and alive. But now, am 30, am jobless, just a graduate. i am an embarassment to my parents and a burden to them. I dont believe in love and dont want to get married. My career is going nowhere. I made some poor choices and my self confidence had abandoned me long time ago. I know that no one will miss me when i am gone... but will be embaressed that i killed myself. I am like they said a black sheep. Waiting for the end...
ammyenemy ammyenemy
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Wow,<br />
All 3 of your stories have touched me and have given me hope. I'm going to read that book Edred..."as a man thinketh"....my story is simple...I'm a loser. I'm 41. I feel like my life is passing me by FAST and there is so much I want to do. I want to still have kids..if you can believe it! I'm desperate to be a mom. I'm married but feel more like a burden and a sore in my husbands life than a partner. I just can't seem to do anything right! I've gained a ton of weight and I'm suppose to be going back to work as a flight attendant. I know I'm going to be the laughing stalk of the airline. Looks are eveything in this industry. I think I would trade in some of my smarts for a great body. I would get lipo or surgery to remove the fat but I can't afford it as I've been off work for a few years. I'm scared out of my mind. Thanks for listening...whoever read this!

I was once depressed like you. But was able to find my way out of the fog. My ascent from depression started with picking up the book titled "as a man thinketh". I forget the name of the author. It's a little book of 30 pages and can be read in a day. Hang in there and readthe book free on www.scribd.com. I hope this helps. By the way, at my lowest point i was a skinny recluse, my car was wrecked, my girlfriend left me, I was unemployed and broke and not a college student and lying in bed all day trying to figure out how to "end it all". Now, I'm a college graduate, I studied architecture in my native Philippines where tuition expenses are very low. I also got to see true poverty. Shelters with dirt floors , but the people that lived there were not depressed. They grew their own food and pumped water out of the ground. And there I was in the u.s. Depressed about not havin a car or a girlfriend.!? These people had nothing. I worked a couple of years in the u.s. As an intern architect. I am unemployed again because of recession but will never be back in that pit of hopelessness again. Another thing that helped me was exercise. My fitness led to breakdancing, the pain of my body hitting the concrete floor trying to do powermoves somehow cleanses the mind. Life has ups and downs. Depression is a state of mind, not a disease.

I could relate to you, i do sometime wish i am dead. Where is that meteor that can strike me from above? or the god's wraith to end this miserable life.<br />
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Much like you, i am close in to 30, jobless, an undergraduate with no experience. I have never loved anyone nor would anyone pick me. I look hideous, people usually avoid me. I can't even strike a conversation without the opposing person take his/her eyes off me. <br />
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Worth of all, my life is a mess. My parent owes a small debt, and their debt is going to pass to me because their selfish attempts by making me a co-signer when i was at the age of 16. My credit is bad now, and my main focus for the last 7 years was finance. No company will hire me now because of a bad credit in finance industry.<br />
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I don't know what to do. I also want to see an end. I have no friends to support me, i have no other relative beside my parents. I really don't know what to do.<br />
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But i want to see my life through still. I want to carry on, i refuse to kill myself. I am sure i will never taste love, but at least i will live until the day my life end.