The Harder I Try The Worse Life Gets And I"ve Had Just About Enough

ok here goes...

first off I'm at week 6 of 6 weeks of radiation treatments for a brain tumor that just keeps growing back  quicker each time and that has me too worn down to think straight.

2001 - 2 by 2 cm

2003 - 4 by 4 cm

2007 6 by 6 cm

2009 5 by 8 cm

I don't really have any memories from the time before I was maybe 16 or so.  One of the therapists I've talked to says this is not unusual for someone with post-traumatic stress disorder. 

I spent a lot of years as a freelancing consultant and made some good money but also some even bigger debts which are now coming back to haunt me when i can't afford to pay for them.  The worst part is that it's not just affecting me, i have 2 boys and a wife who's learning to hate me a little more each day. 

 

I've run out of things to live for.  my wife can't stand me because I'm financially incompetent (true)., my kids have only ever known a dad who's sick and tired and depressed and bitter.

I wish i could turn back the clock to summer 1997 and make sure that my suicide attempt had succeeded- i could have spared my wife over a decade of unhappiness (or at the very least unhappieness at someone else's hands).  and maybe the chidren that she wante would've been loved and cherished as they should have been. 

I've pretty much much had it. 

I wish I could vanish without a trace of me ever having existed.

bye for now.

notalostcause notalostcause
36-40, M
3 Responses Mar 4, 2010

yeah, just give it a little time. it's like roller coster ride which is going thru the down phase but good times are on the way. you have to be there to welcome them. do the things which you like. Love yourself more. you deserve it. and please take care.

thanks for the positive comment - I've been having having some mighty dark days in the last while and unable to think straight. A lot of days i really need a good swift kick to the butt.

dont give up. maybe things will shine again.