Failure

As some of my friends put it "I Fail At Life".  That about sums it all up but I will explain a little more.  Now I don't want you all to think my friends suck, they were just joking around.  It is just I know some of them believe it and worst of all I know they are right.

My parents are not that bad about pressuring me but I am not the daughter they deserve.  I happen to procrastinate a lot so that would be the number one disappointment.  They try to say they understand how hard it is but I just don't feel like they do.  My mom procrastinated a lot when she was younger too but she was naturally smart and school was easy for her.  My dad was the diligent one that really struggled and did well.  I just don't understand how I am like me when they were so different.  My genetics are screwed up.

I am an average student in my classes but every year there are one or two subjects that give me a lot of trouble.  I do so poorly because I don't do my homework and I have a lack of effort in some classes.  This is my own fault and I realize this but it is still hard.  I should just snap out of this and do my ******* homework but I honestly don't want to.  I just cant make myself care.  It is weird though because on some level I do care.  I know if I don't shape up I will have no future.  I guess I am the type of person that wants to lose thirty pounds but does not want to work for it.  How do I make myself want to do something that I don't want to make the effort in?

Unfortunately I do not just disappoint my parents.  My teachers notice my lack of effort and leave lovely little comments on my report card about it.  My friends, I think are past disappointment and have gone straight to annoyed.  But worst is my advisor at school.  I really like and admire her but I constantly disappoint her.  She is amazing and smart and I wish I was like her but obviously I am not.  She does not deserve someone like me in her advisory but I am also too selfish to switch out.  There are probably more people out there and more people to come but this is one of the reasons I Hate Myself.

chemistryd32 chemistryd32
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 12, 2009

reading that, well you could have easily been writing about my life. I want to just snap out of this laziness and just do my cwk (which I have been avoiding for too long now). I just dont want to do it. I probably cant do it anyway. and even though I care about the fact im failing well, I guess I just dont care enough. <br />
All the best x

You are not alone. I assume you are in high school, yes? High school is so hard in so many ways, but it won't last forever. I can tell by your writing that you are intelligent and thoughtful. <br />
<br />
It is important to remember that you are not your parents, nor are you the sum of their parts. You are a totally unique person who has to figure out what's right for you. I know how easy it is to hold your parents up as examples and how easy it is to see yourself as a disappointment in their shadows. I do the same thing, but it will never get me anywhere. It just makes me feel worse. <br />
<br />
Take the things in school that you like and enjoy them and don't worry about the rest. Do the work though. If you are not good at it, so what? Your teachers will be happy to see you try. I was never good at math, despite being pretty smart. So I am not a mathematician or an engineer and that's okay.<br />
<br />
I don't think that leaving your advisor is the answer. It sounds like you would be punishing yourself because you don't feel worthy of this person whom you have so much respect for and that is being unfair to yourself. You deserve the good council of this mentor as much as anyone else. I think you should talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling. I know, that is very hard to do, but I think you will be surprised at how she responds and how you will feel to talk about it.<br />
<br />
As scary as it may be, it is okay to let someone in. It is okay to tell someone you trust that life is hard for you right now. It is not selfish to talk about yourself. It is necessary. Nobody has all of the answers, we all need to hear the opinions and suggestions of others. <br />
<br />
Embrace the joyful moments, embrace the things you love, be not afraid. If writing helps, keep writing. Keep your head up.