In school I was always a bit cheeky but bright. Got in to trouble a bit for usual kid things, throwing stink bombs, bunking and generally causing a nuisance. Its something that I have not grew out of unfortunately. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer during my GCSE and throughout that year I had bunked as much as I could so that I could spend as much time with my mother as I could. I did not want her to be alone even for a second so that her mind does not wonder about the future which might not possibly be. They had said she 3 months to live however due to a miracle she had lived for almost a whole year since she was diagnosed. Unfortunately she passed away in October 18th 2011. My mind was lost and I did not know what to do with my self. I was going out with a girl at the time who was and still is the love of my life. She had helped me through it quite a bit. I had got my GCSE results and as I predicted they were shite. I had stayed in Sixth form to do business and retake English and Maths. But again I had been stupid and ****** it up by messing about and bunking. I wasted that year but after it was over I had to applied for College thinking it was the school which always brought me down. In college at the beginning it was going alright but stupid me had to go **** it up again. I found the work easy and my class mates were all younger then me. They were stupider then a Mule. I hated being in the class room but I did make 3 friends who were around my age. I had started to smoke weed during the middle of the year and I cannot lie i had the most fun in that year of my life. I had no worries everything was fine I had some money coming in from my job in a law firm so it was going well. Unfortunately me and my ex gf had broke up which did cause an issue but I was high and did not care. Again like with all my life I ****** up that year in College and hardly went to the point my attendance was 30 percent. So 2012 is coming to an end and everything is starting to get crap I wasted that year my family and father come down on me like a ton of bricks, but I cant blame them because I deserve it. 2013 now and I am hoping for a good year Im not really doing anything with my life at the moment except for working and till around march it stays like that. Now I left my job due to them not paying me for 2 months. So im back to square one no job, no qualifications and no prospects. In slang I was a wasteman. couple months go like this then disaster hits. My father gets Ill and I have never seen him Ill. He has always been the strongest person I knew. Now he was ill in hospital. Doctors dont know what is the exact reason he is Ill. He had Severe Ulcers on his foot even thought he was not diabetic. It was a mystery and he had stayed in hospita for about 3-4 Months. He was a big man before now he has lost so much weight and looks so Ill. He tells me that it is something to do with his blood. But doctors do not pay attention to it. I had conducted my own research and started connecting the dots to a illness in the blood which causes veins and arteries to die especially on the foot as well as causes ulcers. I had asked the doctor whether they could conduct a test again on his blood to see whether anything is in there. They did and could not see anything. Now its October 2 years since my mother passed Im still smoking weed trying to be a little happy in my life and drown my sorrows. we get a call from the hospital saying to get there as soon as possible. We arrived and they said that he has Pneumonia due to prolong stay in the hospital and that it is quite common. I go in to see my father so many safety precautions before we go in to make sure were sterile. I see him hooked up to a breathing mask where he is just trying to fight it Off because its air constantly hitting you and is as tight as ****. My father has eyes which are light brown with a grey outline due to his father having brown eyes and his mother gray. At this point he looks in to my eyes and it feels like he pierced my soul and my heart. The doctors said that we must leave and they will have to put him under and put a pipe in his throat so he can breath properly as he is trying to fight it due to it being extremley uncomfortable. At this point i have not shed a tear i did not know why but in my stomach i could feel that same feeling as when my mother passed that feeling of deaths presence. The feeling in the pit of your stomach. now we stay overt night none of us have slept my fathers sisters have arrived. Its october 20th 2 years and 2 days since my mother passed. The doctor tells us its not looking good and that he will pass away. They tell us we can stay with him. I enter the room and hes there unconscious with pipes sticking out of his neck scars of the mask he was connected to earlier blood around his mouth, The machine just beeping away. she tells us that we don't have too much time. i stood there just staring and looking at the monitor hoping for a miracle. Then I see his blood pressure rocket up then go normal and i knew what was about to come. It rockets up again and then drastically drops. that beeping sound of terror keeps going i stare at him and then the monitor. Its dropping slowly they say its time now. we pray for god to take him with his grace and make it not painful. we pray various quranic verses. then then no more beeps just one long beeeeeep. I dotn know what to do myself and i just burst out after not shedding any tear and holding my family together im now the one whos crying i just started saying that mum and now him they wont be able to see me grow in to a man get my drivign license or get married and see my children. I stop crying and i just stare i notice that he was actually smiling. He had the cutest smile because he had small teeth. I kiss him on the forehead and say i love u and i sit next to him holding his big bear hand just thinking of all the time i wasted not making either of my parents proud and just constanly ******* up and putting them under stress. After we bury my father and i think that im going to change my life around and im not goign to **** up again. I had applied for a pprenticership and was supposed too have started wehn my father had passed away however i had told them what had happend. I had started the week after my father passed away so that i could get my mind of everything since then ive been working 7 days a week trying to make it up to my mother nad father and hopefully make them proud. they had always wanted me to go to university as no male in my family has due to cirumstances much like my own and even worse. I had worked 7 days a wekk up until now where i was arrested for the stupid reason of being in possesion of a small blade which i used to cut open boxes in my shop and a lighter whcih i never even knew was illegal. everything i had worked for just gone to waste. i resigned from my apprenticeship work due to it and now Ive ****** my life up even more. I am awaiting trial. Im not afraid of alot of things but being branded a criminal when i am not is smothing i am afraid of. The last words my mother had said to me the day before she died was never do wrong in this life. I tried my hardest to stay out of trouble and yet i still manage to get in to it. I feel like im just destined to lose what ever i work for and now i just hate myself for keep on ******* up everythign and putting my family thorugh excess stress. Im not the type of guy who talks about emotions and crys of bull crap. Im a man of few words but now it is eating me inside. I only ever used to speak about my emotions and things liek that to my ex gf she was teh only one i ever opened up to in my life and told everything about myself too. but now i dont have her and dont have anyone i feel as comfortable as I did with her to speak to. Thats why ive wirtten this long *** ****, with a lot of grammatical and spelling mistakes to get all of it off my chest. pheew
Uhg123 Uhg123
22-25, M
Aug 19, 2014