What I Have BecomeMy parents go out of their way to tell me how much they love me, how proud they are of me and what i have accomplished, how glad they are that I am their daughter, but it feels fake to me. It feels like they are trying to convince themselves that they like what I have become.
I do not doubt that they love me, have never doubted that. But I know I am not what they thought they would get with a daughter. They didn't get a girl who likes dresses and make-up, didn't get a daughter who liked dolls and ballet, a beautiful daughter who smiles wide for the camera, who giggles and gets crushes on boys. They didn't get to make a big production out of my prom. My mom will never get to plan a wedding, never have a grandchild.
It is hard to accept who I am, because I don't want to be a disappointment to them. I have spent a lot of my life faking it, trying to be who they wanted, and it made me miserable.
But when I try to be happy about who I am, what I am, I feel this hatred inside for what I should have been, what I'll never be.
My parents adopted me because they wanted a little girl and all of the things that are supposed to go with a little girl... instead they got me.
eyes 31-35, F 6 Responses 1 Oct 7, 2007