What I Have Become

My parents go out of their way to tell me how much they love me, how proud they are of me and what i have accomplished, how glad they are that I am their daughter, but it feels fake to me. It feels like they are trying to convince themselves that they like what I have become.

I do not doubt that they love me, have never doubted that. But I know I am not what they thought they would get with a daughter. They didn't get a girl who likes dresses and make-up, didn't get a daughter who liked dolls and ballet, a beautiful daughter who smiles wide for the camera, who giggles and gets crushes on boys. They didn't get to make a big production out of my prom. My mom will never get to plan a wedding, never have a grandchild.

It is hard to accept who I am, because I don't want to be a disappointment to them. I have spent a lot of my life faking it, trying to be who they wanted, and it made me miserable.

But when I try to be happy about who I am, what I am, I feel this hatred inside for what I should have been, what I'll never be.

My parents adopted me because they wanted a little girl and all of the things that are supposed to go with a little girl... instead they got me.
eyes eyes
31-35, F
6 Responses Oct 7, 2007

Story of my life. My mother says she thinks I'm smart and awesome, but she is just trying to reasure me. I am that girly girl who loves to get new lip gloss everyday, gets c's and d's, and doesn't like sports. Mom wanted a little leaguer(don't know how to spell that) that she could cheer for at the baseball fields, and got good grades and was intellegent and smart. I'm nothing like that, sorry, I'm off track, but I'm just trying to say you're not alone.

I'm only happy when I am working.

I cant believe there is someone that feels exactly like me!<br />
My parents pushed me into music and art and all sorts of things with dreams of me becoming a famous musician or something, instead i became a depressed lonely young women who suffers really bad anxiety. Just today i disappointed them again for not having wanting to do what they suggest would be a better idea. Im 22 years old and after coping it from my dad for about an hour on the phone i curl up into a ball and have a panic attack. i feel like a lost confused little girl. I want them to be happy more then anything but for that to happen i have to be completely miserable. <br />
I guess the only advise i can give to the both of us is that we are our own person and we need to do what makes us happy.

on a superficial level i know all of that<br />
<br />
but it has to be hard for them to know that they won't get anything resembling what they thought they would get<br />
<br />
and even though i quit trying to be who they want me to be, or maybe who i thought they wanted me to be, it still unnerves me that i might be a disappointment to them

there are several instances when, as a young child, i ******** off the darn dress and ran about in undies or naked as a jaybird<br />
<br />
they did get my to be in ballet for one year, by telling me football pla<x>yers were in ballet because it helped them be more flexible and play better<br />
<br />
i still hated it

No, they got a beautiful little girl. There are alot of us ,myself included who prefer playing ball,jeans and t-shirts,working in constuction. That's being a woman,comfortable with herself.FYI,i used to drive mine nuts they would dress me all pretty and i was playing ball in the dress. Your ok in my book,be true to yourself