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Ungrateful

I hate myself quite intensly a lot of the time. It has been like this for years. That little voice of self doubt inside my head often tells me what I think of myself and generally expletives are used. If I look at myself in a mirror my first reaction is disgust and when times are really bad my second reaction is to smash that mirror.

There are many reasons for this and I'll admit that some probably are slightly irrational and me being overly judgemental of myself. But the biggest cause of this self loathing is the fact that I had everything going for me in life. And I've done nothing with it. I came from a stable home, was smart, bubbly, pretty. Anything that I needed my parents would bend over backwards to provide it if they felt it was worthwhile. My parents paid for my varsity, they even bought me a little car so I could get around. I could have done or been anything that I wanted, the world was my oyster. I had every advantage possible.

And here I am, a chronic depressive with several medical problems. No real life friends, no social life to speak of, scared of living life. I work from home doing a job where I barely make ends meet and I have never had a proper romantic relationship. I don't feel like I'm living!

So many people don't have the advantages that I did and they have made a success of their lives. What excuse do I have? None, and it makes me feel disgust at myself.

WyldHoney WyldHoney 31-35, F 6 Responses May 4, 2008

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What would make you feel "success"? What would it look like and what steps would you need to take to get there? You CAN do it. Don't let the fear of messing up stop you from really living. You've said you have incredibly supportive people in your life. They won't leave if you try something new and fail, and it can't be more uncomfortable than life is at this moment, could it? You don't need an "excuse" as to why you have not done more, what you need is motivation to help you break the cycle of monotony. Find the motivation and walk toward it slowly.

Could you do me a favor... Read Interview with an angel... then come back and retype on this page again...

You know what, growing up I grappled with feelings of inadequacy and strong self-loathing also. I would look at other people more successful than me and feel strongly that I've fallen short of my own expectations. But as I got older I learned to make peace with myself and to accept myself for who I am. So you should too...if your problem is not being able to reconcile yourself with the situations of past failures, then set small goals for yourself today, and conquer your fears step by step. <br />
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Just be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy,...I had to go through a lot before I could reconcile myself to that idea. Be accepting and kind of yourself and then figure out what your goals are and then set out to reach them as your own coach and cheerleader.<br />
Wishing you the best in your endeavors!!!

But you know your issues. Now you can work on changing them. Ignore that judgemental voice. Tell yourself "I am a good person" daily and often.

Sometimes, when you feel that you are indebted to your family or others, it makes you feel worse about yourself if you don't feel that you've succeeded or met goals. But, ultimately, your family love you and will have done those things to ensure that you had support, and were safe. Don't feel guilty.

This is so true.

You have me as a friend. I will be here for you too. <br />
*Hugs*