Extreme Hate

I hate myself for not being able to control my emotions. I hate myself for letting other people bring me down. I hate myself for not being strong enough to not care. I hate myself for letting *her* second guess everything that I am. I hate myself for looking at *her* page and feeling worse about myself.

I am in constant torture.

All I want is for him to care. It is so desperate that it's pathetic. I thought I was doing so well too. That's what makes it so much worse.

I got a lot of questions answered that I thought I wanted to know but it just caused so much more pain than I thought it could.

He picked her. He proposed to her. Why am I even thinking about him anymore? Why am I allowing him to be in my thoughts? Why do I look at her pictures and the things she says to try to pick out what it is about her that I don't have? Why do I believe that she is better than me? Why do I cry?

FeistyRoadrunner FeistyRoadrunner
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 17, 2008

Thanks de! I have heard a lot of advice lately but it is always nice to have support from friends. :)<br />
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The same goes to you too! I am always here if you ever need to talk about anything.

i hate myself often too. i'm sure you've probably already heard any advice i could give you, so all i can say is that i understand. <br />
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and if you ever get real down, or just want to vent or talk, i am so here for u!

Aww that really made me smile. :) Sounds perfect!!

We all torture ourselves when it comes to the one we like. <br />
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So what we need to do is damage control now. So the cure is a night of positive reinforcement which involves us kicking it and you getting all the attention from everyone. <br />
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Never forget that you are a gem and you just need shine sweetie.

That's true I guess. I find it hard to not believe that she is better than me when I look in the mirror and I don't see how anyone could be attracted to me.<br />
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I guess the hate goes deeper...<br />
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My expectations have always been ridiculously high. It's good in a way, but it can also, obviously, be very damaging.

She's not better than you, you just don't know it. <br />
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I hate myself too - just for different reasons.<br />
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No reason is good enough. We just don't live up to our own expectations. That's no reason to hate.<br />
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I haven't been able to convince myself of that either.