Why Am I Here?

i lost all self confidence. when i look into the mirror i see disgust. I cant recall how i got to this low point. I just want to leave this world. But I can never get enough courage to do so. Which just makes me hate myself even more than i do. Im so much of a waste of time that i cant even get rid of myself! what purpose do i have in this world? all i do is take up space. Now i try so hard to fix myself and wonder where i gone wrong. was it the constantly moving from place to place when i was little? was it never being able to be sickly skinny thin? May be it was being made fun of by so called friends and even my family? maybe it was all of them combined together. I just dont know.  I think I lost all hope when my parents got a divorce and said i was the mistake. i already before hated my self but i only pushed through the pain so i could make them have a happier life. but me the mistake? how could you say that? now i know i shouldnt blame myself but i do cause in all honesty it is true. if i was never born i wouldnt have caused so much misery. I'm 19 and have no job (economy sucks ive tried) and im only in college cause my dad was going to kick me out of the house. i couldnt bare to be homeless. I hate my past everything about it. when i hear people say i would never change anything i have ever done i dont believe it. How is it that they can have everything great going for them and i cant? i tried to be social and to climb the popular ladder but all i got in return was harsh comments and the feeling of worthlessness. how can people be so mean? i plead everyday in my head for someone to notice that i need help. why dont they look at me? cant they see that something is horribly wrong with me? Today my dad yelled at me and pointed out all my flaws that made me feel better... not!!!!   everything i do everyone has to judge and say something negative about it. I cant sleep at night cause i wonder what am i going to do next to embarrass my slef and prove that im a waste of a life. now I pray everyday to give my life to someone else who needs it instead of having me just use it to make everyone miserable. I just want to be free of this feeling so bad! I hate myself and it makes me sad and being sad just makes me cry i hate crying it makes me feel weak, worthless!! life sucks then we die well if theres a god or some high power i just want to say im ready for the sucking part to be over.

lostgurl26 lostgurl26
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2010

Every word you have written could have been written by me at that age. I hated myself so much, and several times I tried to take my life, but it was feeble tries - it was really just a cry for help. I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to not feel so bad. <br />
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My dad was a jerk too, and much of the sadness I felt about myself and life was because of how he treated me. When you grow up to be made felt worthless, how can you feel anything else? It takes time, and therapy. I've been in therapy for years. I'm not completely healed, but it's getting better. And you need to somehow make plans to get away from your father, at some point. Don't be around people that make you feel bad about yourself. They have no right to treat you that way, and you have every right to stay away from those kinds of people.<br />
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There are kind people in the world, who will love you just the way you are. It's easy for people to say, "Don't listen to what others say about you," but that is nearly impossible for people like us to do. We simply have to find people that love us, and stay away from the ones that don't. The people that don't love us are messed up inside themselves, and can't accept people for who they are. They have the problem, not you. <br />
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You are a worthy person. you have compassion and the world needs people like you. Please stay strong, and keep the courage to keep living, because the courage to live is much much stronger than the courage to kill yourself. Hope is stronger than despair, no matter how small that hope may be.

awh hunni. i know how u feel.<br />
but u need to learn to love urself, and dont let rude comments bring you down. ppl only do that so they could feel good about themselves.<br />
u are worth living, dont take away ur life.<br />
life will get better.<br />
and we all have a purpose for living.<br />
im here if u need help, or a friend, or someone to talk too.