What Is Your Major Malfunction Numbnuts?

Whew, where do I begin? I guess I could start by saying I am one self-deprecating sum'*****. I hate myself, I really do. I'm overweight, unemployed, drive a shitbox car, and I'm not in a relationship. DISCLAIMER!!!: I hate MYSELF, I do not hate my life. I have a roof over my head, I have clean clothes, I have parents who care (more or less), I don't go to bed hungry, and I'm not disabled nor do I have a terminal illness. So, bearing that in mind, I'll elaborate:
I'm overweight, man boobs and all. (I'm six-foot-three and two hundred thirty five pounds, so I need to lose about twenty-five pounds). I lift weights three times a week, and I run and do calisthenics on the days I don't lift. Trouble is, I'm not good at it. I can bench-press 165 pounds, but some guys at the YMCA I go to can bench-press 200+. I wish I could do that. Trouble is, I don't use muscle milk or supplements because A: I'm not even sure if they work or not, and B: I don't want to take something that keeps me up until ten the next morning. I could be as strong as those other guys, but I wish I was RIGHT NOW. Also, I run, but I can't run very long. After college, I want to become a police officer, but if I can't get into college, I want to join the Army. Either way, both have physical fitness standards to be met before they accept you, but they won't accept a guy who can barely run a quarter mile! I've been running on-and-off for about three years, but I never made any real progress. So, my being out-of-shape is one reason I hate myself.
I'm unemployed, too. I used to work at a local supermarket, but there was a communications snafu caused by circumstances beyond my control and I ended up getting fired. Now, with summer here, I've been trying to look for a job. I've already been turned down or given the run-around by several places, and I live in a town of less than 100K people, so the market is limited. Places always end up saying that they'll "give me a call", but they never do. I applied at a local restaurant, and my stepbrother works there. I figured he would have some pull, but I think he hates me because he rarely speaks to me or my sister. My stepmother has had at least one of her other kids work there, and I figured she would have some pull, but I was wrong there. Job=money in the bank/my wallet. I'm sick of bumming off my parents, and my being unemployed frustrates me to no end.
I also drive a crappy car. It's a Toyota Camry with a 4-cylinder engine, and I can barely fit in it (As I said, I'm six-foot three). I have to lower the seat all the way, move it all the way back, and my head is still less than an inch from the ceiling. If I get in a rollover, I'm screwed. Plus, it's all messed up. The front passenger door won't open from the outside, the number "4" button on the radio fell off, and the little window/door control in the driver's door is coming out of its housing. My mother blames me for all this, which is only half-true. The other half is the fact that it's a twelve-year-old car made out of Japanese plastic fantastic crap. The outside is worse. The left side of my grill is punched in from when I parked behind a pickup truck and Billy Bob backed his trailer ball into my car (I live in Texas, so those things are a dime a dozen). The other blemish happened the other day, when I was going to a local fast-food joint. I came into the drive-in thing the wrong way and, in my attempt to straighten the car out, I hit the pole the menu/speaker was mounted on, damaging the left front reflector and denting the side of the car. This proved even MORE problematic when I discovered my registration was out-of-date, courtesy of being stopped by the fuzz, but that's another story. I want to get a car that I can fit in (preferably a truck, ideally a Ford, with a diesel engine), but to get that I need money, and to get that I need a job.
My grades suck too. I have a 3.26 GPA. But most of the people I hang out with have GPAs of a 3.5, and that's still scraping the bottom of the barrel. One of my friends and several of my acquaintances are among the Top 10 of my class (I'm going to be a senior come August). I also failed a class this year, for the first time (Algebra II, which most of my friends and family have said is a ball-breaker). Now, instead of summer school, I'm taking it through a program from Texas Tech. I'm smart, I could easily be in the Top 10. Why am I not? I wish I knew. It's too late to change, and I wish I was smarter. My SATs score suck, too. The first time I took the test was in March, and I got a 1730. Close, but no cigar. Again, my friends are smarter, so they got scores in the 1800s, 1900s, and 2000s. I took it again the first weekend in June, only my scores went down. This time I got a 1550. HOW THE HELL CAN MY SCORES GO DOWN??? Because I'm a loser, that's why. (note: I am a loser, but I only added that last part because this thing needs some melodrama)
I am very shy, and very awkward when it comes to social situations. I don't know why, I just am. For this reason, I don't look people in the eye when I pass by them. When I go to lift at the YMCA, I don't look at or talk to the other people up there, and if I do, it's just to ask them if they're done using a piece of equipment. In public and in school, I don't speak unless I'm spoken to. I just try to pass it off as me minding my own business, but I'm not. However, if I see a friend or neighbor, and they strike up a conversation, I will smile and talk to them. If I could find what caused my shyness and awkwardness and change it, I would. But I don't know why I am shy, and probably never will. People don't respect me either. They talk down to me and treat me like I'm stupid, and they throw the occasional insult my way. When that happens, I wish I could just cuss them out and yell at them until their ears bleed, but that would be "verbal assault", and verbal assault is illegal in this new softie fraidy-cat world of ours. That's another reason I work out to, so I can be intimidating. I don't want to be like ripped, just buff and athletic so that people think that I look like I can kick their ***. (I've got moves, but people say they can beat me up easily) Maybe then, people would treat me with an ounce of respect.
I'm also afraid of things. I'm afraid of flying, but not of driving, which is odd, since driving is more dangerous, as my uncle pointed out. I'm afraid of heights, I'm afraid of drowning, I'm claustrophobic, and I'm afraid of ships and boats. I wish I knew what was behind all these phobias, but I don't. If I did, I would easily change it.
I have never had a girlfriend, and my dad and stepmom bug me about this to no end. Only because my stepbrother, who's a year older than me, has had three girlfriends in the past four years. I would get a girlfriend, except that I'm fat, I'm unattractive, I'm shy, and I don't know who's dating or not dating. Plus, I think all the good girlfriends are taken. I want to date someone who's halfway attractive and halfway intelligent, but those kind of girls have all been snapped up by the guys that are in sports. The ones that remain are either very attractive but dumb as rocks, or very smart but unappealing to me. I'm worried I'll never find someone, and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
I call myself an *******, flip myself off every time I look in the mirror, and I wonder about if things could have been different for this or that. I would kill myself, but that's the coward's way out, I haven't seen the world yet, and I don't know where you go after you die. In the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about drinking alcohol more and more often. I just need something to take the pain away. As Laurence Fishburne said in "The Matrix": "[ I am in ] a prison that [ I ] cannot taste or see or touch." I titled this after a quote from Gunny Sgt. Hartman in "Full Metal Jacket". I know what my major malfunction is, and it's me
thetexanator thetexanator
Jul 15, 2010