Mirrors

a mirror reminds beautiful people of just how good they really look, and also assists them in making themselves look better than they already do. its my enemy. reminding me of everything i hate about myself. reminding me of what i wish i was but will never be. i hate everything about myself. when i see my ugly self in the mirror, i want to smash my face into it. i make a conscious effort to not look up when washing my hands.i have punched myself in the face and head before because im so angry and disgusted looking at myself. i dont want to go anywhere because i feel like people are looking at me, judging me. thinking of me, the same things i think of myself. i dont like to grocery shop because i feel like people are looking at what the fat girl is buying. im completely humiliated at the check out. where everyone can see all of my purchase.i just want to scream out, "its not just for me, i have 2 kids and a boyfriend at home too!) i almost have a panic attack. i dont like to eat in front of anyone because they are probably thinking that im so fat that i dont need to be eating at all. diagnosed w pcos (which causes weight gain) and a car accident that had me out of work for 2 yrs. i have gained 100 lbs. but i hated myself before that and now that im to this point i would do anything to look the way i did before. ive thought about killing myself before and everyday this week. my children are what keep me here. i cant bare to think of how they would feel or what would happen to them if i did. sometimes im mad that i have something keeping me from doing it. cant wait to go to sleep so i dont have to feel so horrible. but mad that it means i have to wake up and face another day. wanting time to pass quickly so i can finally get to the end of this life.
paisana882 paisana882
26-30
Jul 17, 2010