I've Been Living A Lie.

I've been living a lie for the past 12 years, and I just admitted it to myself yesterday. If you lie to yourself, and you repeat the lie over and over again, it becomes part of your history. It becomes difficult to seperate fact from fiction. But deep down in the centre of your 'knower' it festers. And festers and festers until one night you're laying in bed after smoking a joint and it occurs to you that this "fact" is actully something you wanted to be true, but isn't and no matter how much you wanted it to be true it never can be. This happened to me and I cried and I cried until I passed out from exhaustion. I woke up crying because I hoped I'd died in my sleep. I look in the mirror and dispise the person staring back at me. IIf anyone knew the truth, I would be hated more than I already am and hurt everyone I know. I told the worst lie a person can tell about another human being, just to make myself look better and cover up a stupid mistake.  I've been puninshing myself for the last 12 years (gaining excessive weight, smoking too much, drinking too much, drugs, self-mutilation) without fully realising why. Now it all makes sense. The reason I'm like this is because I deserve it. I want things other people have (like marriage, family, children) but can't have them because I don't deserve the things that make other, honest people happy. I hate myself and I can't escape it. I want to reach deep down into my chest cavity where it weighs the heaviest and rip myself apart. I want to tear the flesh from my bones and watch it drip between my fingers. I can't get away from myself. I'm stuck inside this body, this lie until I die. I want to dissapear into the ground.
bob0525 bob0525
7 Responses Jul 19, 2010

i've been pretending to be someone i'm not. for no good reason. and its made me suffer so so bad and wasted my time. and i forgot who i am. what's your lie?

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)

Poetic. We should be friends. You articulated my feelings as well as anyone could except myself.

I am too! What are we supposed to do!? You said it perfectly. You described the events of my awakening over the last two days and took the words out of my mouth. I am so glad to hear I'm not the only one as selfish as that may be.

you are human & imperfect! as a human & being imperfect you are allowed to make mistakes!!!<br />
so you made a mistake! don't beat yourself up about it. give yourself the room you need as human being to make errors.<br />
don't get me wrong i understand what you are talking about, how you feel & why you feel the way you do but in all honesty don't kick yourself too hard. from here on out try to avoid making the same mistake again (i'm sure you won't though!) & try to right the wrongs.<br />
even if you don't feel like or can't coming clean about the lie.....the past is the past. look toward the future

@ itdontgetnobetter:<br />
<br />
Do a search on the term Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD for short). <br />
<br />
I dunno what's eating you, though...but if you want to PM me I'd probably get why it bothers you. Funny, but some people are meaner to themselves than they would be to anyone else...ever noticed?

You are explaining what I am feeling. Some days I just wanna hide myself from the world , my family , my friends and just be nothing. I ****** up my past with stupid decisions and deep down as much as people around me think I am, I know that I am a failure. A person once told me to forgive myself and go forward but I can't... I just can't .. It's so hard and I try to not look back in the past but when I'm alone, like alone from my boxing, family, friends I look back in my past and dwell in it until I get depressed and the process goes all over again. It's times like this I wanna kill myself but I can't because I have to take care of my family. I thought taking boxing would make the feelings go away but I learned it's only for a short while. I dont know what to do because when I close my eyes I just see nothing. Sometimes looking in the mirror makes me digusted of myself. Because of my past, I lash out at people who make fun of me and resulted in me being in my FOURTH school because of my stupidity. No one understands me. I hope no one EVER HAS TO ******* EXPERIENCE THIS. Thanks for listening. Bye.