I Hate Myself.

It's impossible to know where to start.

I can't find anything, anything at all, which I can confidently say I like about myself. Sure, I'll 'accept' compliments and comforting words from friends, but I know that they're all lies, said to make me feel better about the reality of what I am, because my friends are such wonderful people. I don't deserve them.

I hate my body. My figure is completely disproportionate and flabby, my hips jut out and make all of my clothing look terrible, my thighs are huge, my stomach is massive, my face is ugly, my teeth are crooked, my hair is brittle and thin, and my skin is never attractive. I keep trying to eat less, but for some reason I can't keep it up. I keep going back to this endless binging, and eating too much. When i wash my hands, I can't look up into the mirror, and when I catch sight of myself I want to destroy the disgusting image that stands in front of me. Sometimes I have to hit myself to make myself feel better, but it never manages to break the image. It just ends up making me more angry, and more upset. I have a boyfriend, and he's so gorgeous, I have no idea why he even bothers looking in my direction. Every time I leave his house, I feel embarrassed and ashamed because he's had to stare at this for hours on end.

I hate my personality. I hate the things I say, and I hate the things I do and the way I react to things. Someone confronts me about something true or begins up a conflict and suddenly my pathetic self can't handle it. I start crying, which takes the situation out of hand and lowers whatever opinion that person might have had of me. I'm needy and clingy. I know that I annoy my boyfriend, and I know I shouldn't constantly try to hug him and look for compliments and sentimentality which he finds uncomfortable in large quantities, and yet I still do it every time I see him. I speak in this stupid, annoying voice, and I make a complete fool of myself. It's a wonder he hasn't seen the light and dumped me for someone more secure, and attractive.

I hate the fact that I can't do anything right. I hate that every task, no matter how easy it might be, is failed because of stupid procrastination. I'm even doing it now. There's no way I will have gotten into university, because I know that I'll never get the grades I need to, since I never worked. I just wasted important time. I'm so lazy. I tried to make myself go to the gym, and my parents even paid for a subscription. What did I do? I went for a few weeks, and have hardly gone over the last few months because I'm so lazy. I even procrastinate against sleep, which makes me tired so I can't work properly the next day. I'm even procrastinating right now. I have a musical theatre exam on friday, which I need to learn so many things for, but for some reason I can't make myself pick up the book which is sitting on the desk right next to me. My singing teacher yelled at me last week, and she's going to tomorrow as well. I know it.

I hate myself. I hate the way I make stupid unfunny comments, and irritate or bore the people I care most about. I hate the way I'm so nervous and can't keep friends because I'm so insecure and lazy. I wish I was witty, and somebody attractive and impressive that they would take an interest in. If i didn't make plans, I know that they'd drift away. They should, really. They shouldn't have to deal with me.

I'm even crying now. It's like I can't face the reality of my situation, like this is all too much. I hate the way I make myself feel.

I hate myself.

whisperette whisperette
4 Responses Jul 20, 2010

thiz iz exactly how i feel most of the time...except i dont even have a bf...

This is exactly how I felt today, and I luckly found your story. At lest I know i'm not the only one. I feel like it's my fault that my life is slipping away and it fustrating to know that I just can't fix it because i'm boring. It's even worse since i'm a sesnsitive person so I can't stand up for myself, or I'm just not that creative enough to defend myself. Plus, i'm shy, I'm scarred that i'll mess up, and i'm sensitive that when i do...i break down. If there was one thing I could have, it would be to have strong character and heart.<br />
<br />
I have endless day dreams of me being that kind of person. Witty, attractive, fun, lively, thoughtful, and passionate. However, when I have a break down, I fall back into my cruel reality of this hideous being that I am.<br />
<br />
What's sad is that I don't think there is a way to fix it, because I don't see how you can make yourself become someone such as witty.

Please feel free to message me if you want to talk about anything, too. :-

Believe me, I know what you mean. I go through these same emotions every day when I look in the mirror. The only reason I don't cry anymore is because I started wearing contacts and I don't want them to fall out. I have to hold it back. But I still get those same feelings. A few months ago, it pulled me into a depression, which it sounds like you may be experiencing now. Here's my advice. <br />
Make a list of the things you love about yourself. Your eyes, your laugh, anything. And think about this too: there's a reason your boyfriend hasn't broken up with you! Sometimes, it takes someone else to notice your beauty. So, no matter how annoying you think you are, it isn't annoying him. Feel free to ask him why he likes you. And tell him things you like about him. Communication is key to any relationship, so if you're feeling like this, he should know. And if he gets too uncomfortable about it, ask a friend what's beautiful about you. I'm sure they can come up with some things. <br />
Believe in yourself. I know it's cheesy, but it's good, sound, advice. Believe in yourself, because more people than you may think, believe in you.