I've Hated Myself Since I Was 8

I hate everyone and everything. They all say such hurtful things and i believe them which is the worst part of it all. I have never remembered a day where i thought i was beautiful even when i was a kid. I wanted nothing but people to leave me alone so i could rot and die alone, i think i was 8 the first time i thought that. Probaly right after my cousin forced himself on me or maybe it was before that when he made me give him oral(forcefully). I wish he would never have done it but i dont think it would have stopped me wanting to kill myself in 7th grade. Wishing won't stop anything and truthfully i can't hate anyone but myself. I hate that i can't stand up for myself, i dont like smiling but i force myself to, i don't believe in love but i date everyone. I hate everything, even though i know plenty of people who could say something nice about me. To me nothing can change the fact that life won't get better by whining like the child i am. I wish it was over but i won't kill myself because i do know that its selfish of me to choose an early quick end while people have to have a long standing life ahead of them with this scar on their heart. I want to love myself but it's just...not possible.
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22-25, F
Jul 22, 2010