It's My Mind

There are certain points of myself that I despise more than others. None of them are physical, it's all mental. I hate the way my mind is wired. I know I'm not the only one out there, this site proves that. But the thing is, I have no idea what causes my depression, I just get depressed. I wonder if there is some thing wrong with me, some kind of mental imbalance. That leads to paranoia, and it just keeps adding up. It is a bit more complicated than that, but I'm not sure how to explain it. I've lost my sense of who and what I am.

I lose my grip on how I act around the people I care about, and I push them away, not wanting to. I've done it enough. I hate the fact that I can't even figure myself out. I hate that I can't find a way out. But the part I hate the most is, every time I try to get out and explain how I feel, no one understands it. I've tried so many times it's gotten to the point where I'm repeating myself. But they don't get how much it tears me up, how much it makes me hate myself.
NothingButNumbness NothingButNumbness
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2010

I know how that feels. I very rarely try to tell the few people I know about my unusual mind, (hallucinations, voices, long depression at the slightest thing, and countless, painfully overwhelming theories springing into existence at the slightest thought) but when I do, they pretend to understand, shortly before trying to send me to a psychiatrist or something. I wouldn't mind going to one if I wasn't afraid of everybody. <br />
<br />
I wish I had some advice for you, but... all I know is that, when I gave up trying to fight it, I stopped feeling so afraid of it. Then I started being afraid/hateful of everyone else, so it probably wasn't a good choice. I really can't think of anything else to say.

i hate when people say, ofcourse i understand what you, its like bull**** no you dont -.- but hopefully you find someone to talk to, or just talk here on EP :)

i understand what you mean, you want to talk to people but they just dont understand.<br />
you get depression sometimes when your just sick of everything