Stupid Girl. Go Die

You know that feeling you get when things are going great you feel as though your on top of the world? You feel as though nothing and no one can stop your shine.. until something does come and take it. Well I had that feeling a couple of days ago, and just as the metaphor stated something came and took it away. But the real catch is that me myself and I did it. Even crazier I can’t explain why I dd it though. I had this amazing I mean truly amazing guy in my life that probably would’ve been here for a long time. If I only had not had another one of my “Breakdowns” . I often feel as though I have NO ONE to turn to and go to for guidance even though I know there are plenty of people that are here and one in particular that was there. I just trulythink that no one understands me. Everyone thinks that I just over think things to hard which is probably true but it’s more to it than that. I don’t fully even know why things are like this. And I also know that It’s very selfish of me to even think about my stupid problems when othe people have wayy bgger problems than this little crap I’m going through. Who am I to think about myself when people are starving and living out side in the cold? Who am to want to kill myself when people are dying every second of the day? Someone once told me that If I had no purpose here then why did He wake me up this morning.. I often wonder the same thing. I don’t know why I’m here I think GOD made a mistake creating me. I ruin everything. Sure there are a few good things I do but if you really think about it overall I’m a horrible person. When I have my “breakdowns” I picture life with out me and how much better it would be. Because If I wasn’t here my mom wouldn’t have to deal with my attitude and constantly put up with me. My family wouldn’t have to worry about me stealing or taking anything without permission. My dad not that he even cares would only be abondening one child. Maybe he would actually have stuck to raise his only son if I wasn’t in the way. My little brother wouldn’t have to feel like crap because his own sisiter puts him down. My bestfriends wouldn’t have to worry about me doing stupid things then running back to them and crying about it. Guys wouldn’t have to worry me hurting them anylonger. I’m such a bad infuence on people. I put on this front to everyone like I’m such a good kid when really I’m not. Try to act like I’m so smart and crap when really I’m not. One thing that I’m postive about is that I DON’T love myself. Quite the contrary actually. I hate my body the way I act the things I do just everything. Who knows maybe I’ll get lucky and get hitten by a car or something. This thing called life isn’t that great to me. I know it should be and I shouldn’t be talking like this about myself or anyone for that matter but I can’t help the way I feel. I really wish I was good enough for people, but I’m not and I never will be. I don’t even have a future really with my grades no college will accept me and if by chance one does I’ll probably get on campus and let my grades screw up. Who am kidding going around acting like I’m soo smart taking and honor class that I’m failing. I can’t even pass my regular class how am I supposed to excel in a smart class. I probably will just join the Army after high school. Go somewhere where people might actually need me. Somewhere where people won’t judge me they’ll just accept me for me truly. Sounds like a great plan everyone always says oh your’re going to die in the Army well you what I hope so too. Robert hates me now probably won’t ever talk to me again. Real nice it lasted 3 days three freaking days. Well I guess he will learn not to get into relationships with crazy stupid girls who ates themselves. I didn’t deserve someone like him anyways, he deserves the best and that’s surely not me.they say if you love someone leave them and if they come back its worth ten times more well he won’t be coming back lol. Wish it was someone I could get him back but I kow he doesn’t want me so why even try ya know. I feel so stupid he was such a great guy always tried to motivate me to be better just like everyone else it’s like when people tell me positive things I listen to them for a second then as soon as I get home everything turns negative all f my thoughts just kind of become darts that stab me on the heart. Can you belive people actually feel like this I know it seems so hard but hey that’s just me. The most selfish person in the world. I wonder if there is any hope for me in the world. Robb once told me that GOD loves me and that I should pray more often to GOD. Maybe that’s true but I feel like I’m not important enough to bother our all mighty Lord with my stupidity. He has much more thiings to worry about then yea guess that plan won’t work. Counseling didn’t work either I’d just rather take some pills to make me normal like everyone else but If those pills existed the whole world would be a better place. I really wish I was a postive person because I really do care about things like people and feelings. I always dreamt of this perfect life where everyone was kind to one another and people didn’t put others down there wasn’t any killing going on people just died from natural cuases lol we all know that won’t happen. It’s like I live a lie pretty much I do. Things arent even that bad for me and I’m acting like the world is over people in haiti and africa are more grateful then me. What a stupid girl I am. I know people get depressed and sad just like me but do they cry everynight and want to kill themselves everyother day? I mean is that really how others feel.. If so I wish I could help those people. At the moment it’s just like I might as well kill myself we’re all going to die anyways right. You live to die acccording to robert and everyone else so why not just die right now? Sure people would be sad then they would get over it. I wish it was me that died instead of buddy or tiara’s dad or roberts dad or any other wonderful person who had to go so soon. But you know what I’ll just tuck my feelings away and put on my stupid smile and cry tomorrow after school. Same old same old nothing new hahahahahah what a stupid girl I am…

irrelevantperson14 irrelevantperson14
22-25, F
Jul 31, 2010