Alone And Helpless

I feel alone in my head all the time, like no one understands me or even cares.  I have only had one serious attempt to end it all.  My partner found me after my failed attempt and was angry at me which made me hate myself further. I felt pathetic and angry for not going through with it but i also felt selfish because my boyfriend was so angry. He didn't tell anyone or do anything. He just hoped that i got better.  I now manage to hide my true feelings deep inside, but they come through from time to time.

In the beginning.  My problems began when my long term fiance of 4 years, just up and left me.  Then he wanted me to take him back, and I did. But we were no longer engaged.  Our relationship had changed and I no longer trusted the man I once trusted so deeply.  I didn't feel good enough for him, and I still don't.  It was after we got back together that I had attempted to end it.

Its been 7 months since then. In that 7 months I gave up on my associate degree which I was weeks away from completing, I only had three assignments to hand in!  I still haven't completed those assignments and it feels like I never will.  I no longer trust and have faith in medical practitioners because they make me feel stupid and look at me like I'm a hypercondriac.  I was first diagnosed with depression so began taking anti-depressants.  That didn't help, it made me feel like I was on speed and it lead to an eventual melt down and a new doctor.  This new doctor diagnosed me with bipolar/personality disorder and so I began taking anti-psycotics. After 2 weeks on those I had a check-up and the doctor took me off them because he said my symptoms were so mild that I didn't need them. But that was on the outside, on the inside I was screaming.  Now I refuse to go to doctors even about physical medical issues.  I hate all doctors, they honestly do not give a #@*^ about the patient.  The only thing they care about is their pay packet and pushing people out the door for the next patient.  I always left the doctors office feelig more confused and hopeless than when i entered.

I feel so devoured by my rage and I loose control of it easily.  I hate myself so much and I cry all the time, often after i'v lashed out at love ones in bursts of unnecessary rage.  I become sad and depressed when I remember the hurtful things I'v said and done in anger and I dwell on them all the time.  I think my family and friends would be happier if I just ceased to exist.  I feel like there is no purpose in life for me and i take little pleasure in activities I once enjoyed.  Life feels so menial and pointless, and I often think about the end.

I think I have anger issues and as a result I become depressed.  I'm afraid to see doctors because I feel they can't help me, there is no point. I'm alone.

I have never done anything like this before, I came across this site when I typed "I hate myself" in the google search window.  After reading a few stories I decided to write my own.  I hope I can become the bubbly person I was just over a year ago.  I would like to get excited and take joy in the life activities I once did.
justjess1989 justjess1989
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 4, 2010

I am in this same boat right now. I have had 10 relationships all resulting in me getting absolutely destroyed. My last relationship was with someone almost exactly like me. depressed and dark and alone. She hurt me worse than the rest of them put together. We are still friends and just texting her kills me. She sent me a text today that said she was with a guy. For me hockey was the one thing I could do that made all of my problems go away, but it did nothing. i just slacked my way through the game not really careing. about an hour ago I had a breakdown. I cut the $h*t out of myself. I have been cutting for about 4 years now, not deep cuts but just enough to draw blood basically, but this time it was different. I dug the blade into my skin. I was hoping I would bleed to death and unfortunately I did not. She is my only friend and it absolutely kills me to be around her. I also gave up on doctors. They are morons and only want money. My advice is basically what xXGabXx said only I will add try and look at the bright side of things. I try it and it sometimes helps, sometimes it doesn't. Best of luck to you in finding happiness and getting your degree.

I know this sounds like I am a weirdo, but you need Jesus. I am not sure if you pray but you should. I was depressed as well. I turned to Jesus and He helped me. You are never alone because He is there. He created you with a purpose, a special purpose that only you can fulfill. There is however a real enemy that wants to destroy you and that is the devil. Lots of people do not believe in these things but they are real. Just invite Him (Jesus) into your life, that is all He needs to start a wonderful work in you. <br />
I do not know how I ever lived without Jesus before! I feel so different inside. The thing is that you have to chose Jesus. He is knocking at the door of your heart and He wants to come in to your life and help you. He died for you. He died so that you could get to heaven. <br />
I think that some "religious" people have ruined it for a lot of lost and hurting people in the world. Check out Joyce Meyer on Youtube. I think she is great!

Well...I don't know how to begin this...but I was in the same situation a year ago. I tried to throw myself off the thirteenth floor, and I tried to swallow a bunch of pills. But then...I found out that you're never alone. That there will always be somebody to love and worry about you. <br />
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I wanted to die at one point, until two amazing people changed my life. Even if you're alone at the beginning, you're never alone at the end.<br />
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Plus, don't listen to what those douche bag doctors tell you. No pills, no medication will help you get better, believe me. You can only help yourself. <br />
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I remember somebody tell me "You're alive. And life is wonderful." I laughed in that person's face and turned away. But now I'm finding out that there's so much to live for. That every day is a gift, even though it might not feel like it. <br />
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Besides, life isn't a rehearsal. You only get one shot. <br />
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I hope this helped you...and tell me when you get your associates degree! :)