Just Don't Like Me

I never really did- I have at times felt pride in achievement like when I got to study and lost weight, when I learnt to drive, and over come fears of speaking my mind over child abuse. I just feel like I have made too many mistakes in life. I should have known better about Bill and what he was doing to me. I should have stopped it some how. I should have fought it, and him. I should have never gone back to the film group, or those bully bands. I made the mistake of believing my in-laws and friends and family cared - and they didn't and never will.

I dis-like me cuz I am fat and ugly and boring. I am not as accomplished as I wanted to be by now - and I don't have the life I wanted by now - I hate my nieveness, shyness, trust, and plainness. I hate my appearance, my slow mind, my forgetfulness. my weakness and self-pity. I hate my gutlessness, and lack of strength. I hate my vulnerability, and un-sureness. I hate my lack of focus and determination. My waywardness is so out of control that I live a life I do not approve of- too much out of sync, and unbalance.

where is the happy confident person who thought she was a little bit pretty and worth it??? where is the 27 year old who was in to just have a go and dang if it didn't work right. and the easy going thin person who though she could get her life right -this time- cuz there's never gonna be another change! that was over 10 years ago. I know it will never be right now- I can't have all the things other take for granted now. and I don't care anyway. I did want a house and children and career. a lifestyle that was nice and cozy but that will never happen now. there will be no kids, no house and re-decorating for me, or husband to come home to. there won't be a job and happy life. or self reliance in driving, and being thin and feeling pretty. I just see a ugly blob and a spastic dog all my in-laws wanted me to be. they are such retarted control freaks and I am so unhappy.
lilharajuku lilharajuku
36-40, F
Aug 5, 2010