I Don't Feel Guilt And Need Constant Reassurance...

I don't have insurance and therefore no way to get treated currently, but I believe I may be Histrionic.

Let me start here, I think I am a cheater, and I don't feel guilt.

I was in a long term relationship for many years in which I was completely faithful (this was my first serious relationship). However, he was constantly suspicious of me cheating on him, even with my girlfriends who were gay. He eventually became verbally and physically abusive. I finally left him after three years of torture, but ever since then, I just cannot seem to stay faithful to who I am dating. On top of that, I feel no guilt about it. I never get caught, because I lie about it or hide it, and I feel no guilt about either.

I am not the type to be the center of attention, and I am not overly seductive, but I do need a lot of attention in relationships. I tend to get bored easy and seek male attention elsewhere. I never had a bad relationship with my father at all, and this all started after my first relationship. Is this a factor in my current behavior?

I also tend to not handle rejection well, in any situation (not just relationships). I thrive on having attention from my male friends and when other women come into the picture, I sometimes feel threatened and insecure (more so than usual). That first boyfriend made my self esteem so low that I never fully recovered. Ever since I have been insecure, self conscious, and approval seeking.

People tell me I am pretty, thin and smart all the time, but it never makes me feel any better or different. I truly believe that I am unattractive, fat, etc. at all times. I know I am intelligent, and I'm good about not letting most of my 'symptoms' affect me socially or professionally. I am just to a point where I am getting suicidal over little misfortunes and from the negative comments people make or how they judge me.

I am a good person. I do great things for people in need. And, when it comes to the cheating, I simply feel like I can't say no. I am just so numb to everything that I want to feel something. I don't always pursue sex, so I know it is not an addiction issue, but I do seek intimate companionship fairly often.

What is wrong with me? I am Histrionic? Is it a result of my past?

Please help. I want to get better but I don't know what to do.
DeSade13 DeSade13
22-25
Aug 10, 2010