I Really Do Hate My Life Right Now...

i shouldnt be whining i know because others have much worse lots in life than i do, but i just dont know what to do anymore... my husband and i have been together for 2 yrs and have a 5 month old baby boy. they are both the light of my life, but im getting ahead of myself. since grade 7 i have battled against depression and just when things were getting to its best, i met a man named brandon (20yrs). he was awesome and treated me right. i was only 16 but i was ready for real love. or so i thought. i spent a weekend at his house for the first time and learned about the parts of him he never showed me. he was an alcoholic and turned out to be abusive. he put me in the hospital twice and drugged me twice. he hit me, slapped me, spit on me, shoved me down the stairs, and finally let his four brothers rape me. but the only reason i broke up with him, is because i found out he was cheating on me. after a year and seven months of doctors, pills, and therapists i thought i was ready to be with someone else. so, i moved out at 17 and began to live life again. after a few degrading and meaningless relationship, i found devon. it started off as a one night stand, but we didnt spend a second apart for nearly 2 months after that. but... he broke up with me for some chick and i was heartbroken. after 2 days he called me crying. saying he couldnt stand to be without me and he had made a horrible mistake.we talked for over a month, but i got back together with him. i thought it was all over. but i was wrong again. we were both debating on a ********* and had agreed on one girl we both wanted. but the day before, for some reason, i chickend out. he said it was fine and not to worry, he would tell this to her and it would be fine. i stumbled across some msn messages a few weeks later between him and her that basically entailed of her begging him to leave me and be with her, and them discussing a night that they had spent together and how awesome it was. i confronted him, and he got mad at me like it was my fault for finding them. we went to couples counseling for a while and sorted it out. ok, i thought, this is it! the good life! finally! sigh.... over the next year i found numerous txt messages form random women in his cell phone all flirting and some even a bit risque. i was pissed each time, but it always seemed like he was more angry at me for finding them, like it was my fault. well now i cant trust him even in the slightest and he knows that. its been 6 months since hes done anything to make me suspect anything, but i still cant trust him. so, i thought of an idea. we would have an open relationship, then there would be no reason for him to lie to me about anything. and this time i was finally right. but it wasnt a good thing that i was right. we both decided that if one of our "others" was over when our spouse was, hugs and kisses hello and good bye would be the extent of physical contact between the spouse and the "other." but he broke all the rules when he invited over a single mom name michelle. i dont know her, so im not saying she was a bad mother, but while she was here, i was taking care of her 2yr old daughter while she disappeared into our bedroom with her. as soon as i saw that, i walked in on them heavily making out with him on top of her on our bed. i told her to get out now. and she did. i was so pissed i was shaking and i broke up with him for a few days. but i kind of realized that the open relationship thing was my fault and so i gave him an ultimatum; them or me. and he chose, surprise!, me. (and this is today-->) but after only 1 day, i realized that i trusted him no more than before and now the only option was the open relationship again. and now he is spending the night at michelles house and i hate how stupid i am. the man i love is in another woman arms and i cant stop it. hes the only person i have ever met who is everything i have ever wanted. he get me, he listens, he reads between the lines, he doesnt always say the right thing but he tries, he is smart, funny, handsome, but hes a cheater. i recently learned that in total he has cheated on me 3 times, and he doesnt even know how many women he has txted with the hopes of cheating more,and he has went dancing with women (basically them humping his leg in public). i am not a weak woman. my own mother is not allowed to see my son because of a long history of abuse towards me and my brother. i am not afraid to say any of my opinions to anybody for any reason. my mother-in-law is not allowed to see our son either, because he came back from her house, at 2 1/2 months old, with bruises on his arms and legs and she freely admitted that he "just wouldnt stop crying" so she "disciplined" him. that makes me want to do some bad things even when i think about it. my point is, i am no push over, and im nobody *****.
then why am i so weak!!! i want to cut so bad but i know that my son needs me. if god had not given him to me, i would seriously be planning my own demise, so to speak. i hate him so much, but i need him. hes my other half... i have ADHD and he makes me want to push through another day even though i forget nearly everything and i cant pay attention half the time. i wouldnt have our beautiful home or our son if it wasnt for him, but please if anybody has some advice other than
"break up with him" or
"you suck"
please please please share it.... i just dont know what to do anymore and i cant cut to relieve my pain... i hate my life and i dont know why god would do this to me... i dont blame god but i dont understand....... i wish i could. then i might be able to get out of bed in the morning without thinking to myself "so... what am i gunna **** today...?" and go to bad at night without quietly crying myself to sleep....
please, if u have no advice, pray for me....
thenewmom thenewmom
18-21, F
Sep 6, 2010