I Hate Myself So Much I Don't Know What To Do With Myself!!!!!!I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, well as long as maybe since like 12 years old or so. I feel like I kind of liked my early childhood,
and wasn't as shy or self-loathing then, but from about junior high, I haven't been able to stand myself. I've always wished that I was someone else.
Even at a younger age, even before 12, I used to go to bed at night and wish that I would wake up in the morning with blue eyes and blond hair with nice thick bangs, like my little sister's. It just got worse as I entered adolescence and had a friend with great skin and great hair for those big feathered 80's hairdoos. I would lie in bed and cry about how I wished I was someone else. My father even came to my bedside once and asked, "well, if you wish you were someone else, who do you wish you were?" Without hesitation, my response was "Shannon", my friend with the great skin and thick feathered hair, who was also not shy with boys, didn't have ugly braces and had bigger boobs. This same friend told me once that I "had the kind of face that just didn't look right with makeup". This of course, crushed me, because all I wanted was to wear the same electric blue mascara and purple eyeliner that she wore and look good like her.
I really can't keep going because there is just too much. The short of it is that I started hating myself around adolescence, when I started actually noticing my appearance and I never stopped hating myself. It's just gotten worse as I got older and realized that I cannot change anything (well at least not without like tens of thousands of dollars), so I hated myself as a tween, teen, young adult and still now, so that is my story.
NeverBBetter 36-40, F 4 Responses 0 Feb 4, 2011