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Animal I Have Become

I don't know why.... I don't know where I fell apart.... I don't know what happened to the pieces that made it whole...

All my life.... I promised myself... I promised everyone... that when I got a girlfriend... or when I found my soul mate... that I would never hurt her.. that I would always be true to her and never let her go... to always hold her when she's sad... to laugh with her whenever she's happy... to do everything for her...

now..... look at me.... I've gone against my word... I've become a instinct driven, demented, paranoid, lustful.... thing... something I never wanted to be... I don't want to be this anymore... I want to change and make things right... to restart and make it all better...

But the world never turns in the direction you want it to...

so here I stand... broken.... filthy... heartbroken.... and all but dead.... on this deserted road that I call life....

Along the way.... I met an angel.... who fell from heaven above... Even though she denied that she was angel... denied her beauty and magnificance... i always knew and saw, everyday, just how beautiful and magestic she truly was... how wonderful she was... i always knew and saw it... no matter how much she tried to hide it...

I spent my days with her, together, running, laughing, having fun... and we fell in love... so deeply in love... i was so captured by her radiance that i became blind and ignorant to the damage that was being caused... as she became closer and closer to who she was... the more i became rotted and filthy.... i became tainted and defiled by my own ignorance and sin... but i was so spell-bound by her... that I never even noticed... until it was too late...

She ended up flying away because of problems that we're going on... and i wasn't able to see her very often anymore...

when she was gone.... i'd wait for her to come back... worried that something had happened to her... or something went wrong and I wouldnt see her again.. but there was always that hope in me that she was going to come back and find me...

but... my sin had tainted me... corrupted me until I couldn't see the truth from the lie... I spent time with demons and other... sinful people.. I went behind her back and betrayed her... letting myself fall deeper into the pit...

I was no longer the hero I was... I changed... I became disfigured... both my mind and soul... I no longer resembled who I once was.. I became... a creature that was so revolting... not even devils would look upon me... I was revolting...

Upon seeing my reflection... I became so disgusted at what I saw... that from then on... I hid my face so no one can ever look upon this monster I have become.. never to see what i really am...

Once i hid myself and desicrated myself.... I realized that I could never again be seen by the angel... never set eyes upon her glorious beauty... so she would not be horrified by the disfigured creature that was once her lover... so I could not harm her again.... I hid myself away... away from her grace....

now.... I hide in shadows... hiden within darkness.... keeping myself close by those who go astray... so they will not make the mistake I made... to become monsters such as myself... to put them back on the right path...

i also stick close to her and help the angel from secret... so she will be happy and never cry.... but never to know who is lurking behind... guiding her... protecting her... despite the pain I feel... the tears I may cry... I just wish for her to be happy now...

at least now I can do some good.... but unfortunately, my sins will never be washed away... no matter how much I pray... no matter what i do... I am left with the scars of my mistakes and faults... as a reminder.. not just to me, but to others.... to never go astray.. never betray those who mean everything to you...

i wish all the best of luck in their travels and endevors... and guidance through their hard times... may the divines have mercy on them all...
MountainKing MountainKing 18-21, M Sep 2, 2011

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