My Own Enemy

Ever since I was molested/rape this summer nothing has being going right. I'm starting to hate myself for being so weak and not responding the way I ought to. With every given day that passes I feel like I'm losing myself. I tired of pretending that I'm ok around my friends and family because I try to hide what happened to me. I'm so tired of every little thing I do it draws me back to that very night. I force myself not to break down and cry and I have to keep reminding myself that tears are for the weak. That's the point!!!! I'm weak. I'll always be weak and I can't help it no matter how much I hate it. I'm tired of everything. I suspect that I'm pregnant and that's another thing I'll have to hide from my family, but for how long? They will find out one way or another and then they'll question me about the father. I don't want to tell them. I don't want to talk about it period. I just want to wake up one day and forget everything that had happen and get on with my life. There's no way of escaping when every morning my eyes are graced with the presence of an unwanted growing belly. Daily I try to convince myself that I'll get through all this, but I don't want this baby. I don't even want to be pregnant. I can't take care of or support a child now. I don't want THIS child. Even though I may hate it even before it's born I couldn't bring myself to do an abortion and that's another example of how weak I am. I can't even destroy something I hate. I intend on giving it up for adoption after it's born. After suspecting that I was pregnant I started to have these weird urges of being physically hurt especially directed to my stomach. I believe losing the baby will be best for me and everyone else, but everytime I think that way I contradict myself. I want to have a healthy baby. This maybe for selfish purposes, but I want to know that I can do something right for once and that's maybe be able to carry a child to full terms with no interference. I know I'm confused and I knew from the begining that my mind won't be strong enough to take on all these events at once. I haven't gone to the doctors yet since I'm still under the care of my parents myself and if I go then the truth will come out and that's an inevitable I'm not ready to face.
Going to school and hiding it is also difficult to handle. Everytime I hear the phrase teenage pregnancy I remember that I'm in that category even when I will myself to forget for at least a second. Today at the table a friend of mine said the word rape and I was so ready to break down right there and then. No matter how hard I pray I end up in another situation that I can't find a way out. I'm not the victim here, but the monster and I'm willing to admit that. I hate this baby now and I hope it will change later.I always contradict myself and is always caught between if I should try and induce a miscarriage or carry this baby to full terms where I'll eventually love it unconditionally.
Kleon Kleon
18-21, F
2 Responses Oct 18, 2011

Thanks for the comments. Hylierandom, I've long gave up on being the victim since I still blame myself for what happened, but thanks for the support. Sue thanks for the offer. I could use a shoulder to lean on at the moment.

Sweetie, you ARE the victim.<br />
You were forced to have sex against your will.<br />
You're not weak, you have been hurt.<br />
Do you force someone with a broken leg to walk around without a cast and call them weak for falling over in pain?<br />
Well, you are doing the same to yourself!<br />
<br />
You need to tell a sympathetic adult about this. <br />
You need to get good prenatal care to make sure the baby comes out healthy.<br />
You need counseling to get better, to not blame yourself for this.