I Cant Help Me
I hate myself
There’s no way around it, there is nothing I have been able to do to change the opinion I have on myself. I have a job and I have been getting good grades, I’ve also had this “I have self-respect” rampage I’ve been going off of as well. Its bullshit. I hate myself
Things started getting worse once my brother left. He sees me and ignores me, like we didn’t spend a part of our life together. We are a little over a year apart and he was my best friend. It’s like he’s dead and it’s killed a part of me. I miss being a sister and I’m jealous of his new one. My dad also blames himself for it and that makes it harder, it wasn’t his fault. I feel like we just aren’t good enough, I know I’m not good enough but my dad sure is, he doesn’t deserve the things he’s had to go through. Lately I’ve been having nightmares of him dying… of his funeral, and I can’t take it. I know that he’s not healthy and he’s not getting any healthier but I want to do everything I can to make it easier on him, but I can’t. I always screw up no matter what I do.
My days consist of going to school, going to work, and then I get to go home to do it all over again the next day. I feel numb, I feel stuck, I feel sick, sick of the worry and stress. I’ve only had one boyfriend and I’m 16, I didn’t even like him, I just have a low self-esteem. Sometimes I really don’t think I look that bad and I’m nice to everyone. People say I’m nice and funny, but if that’s not enough, what is? I’m doing something wrong even though I’m very careful at trying to do it right. The only guys who like me are the dirty, gross, ugly, guys, or they’re really old and lonely. I’m no good for anyone who’s worth anything, because I’m worth nothing.
Realizing this has only made it harder because now I’m stuck in my own self-pity and it makes me feel gross. I’m disgusted at myself because I can’t shake this feeling... my mom didn’t want me, my grandma didn’t want me, and neither does my brother. The only person I’ll ever have is my dad, and I’m not sure how much longer he’ll be around either. I feel like I have very little security. People come in and out of my life so easily; it’s hard for me to have trust in anyone.
For a while I had the whole “self-respect” thing and to be honest, I’ve always had it. I don’t give into drugs, sex, or alcohol. I feel that the most important thing to do is work on me and that’s what I’ve been doing, because maybe if I feel good about myself, other people will like me also. That’s false. People just want to use me. Everyone says I give good advice, I’m trustworthy, and responsible, but no one cares about me enough to be there for me and just be a friend, that’s all I’m asking for, a friend. Someone who sees things the way I do, because I feel alone, I have not met anyone my age who understands the things I do, and I’m sick of explaining myself.
The quality in me that I feel is the strongest is my independence. The only person I can depend on is my dad, and I’m thankful for him. He says my independence is a threat for other people because they need someone to need them and I understand that but I’m not looking for someone to need. I wish I had someone around my age who could relate to me... someone to play off of… I guess what I’m saying is, I want my brother back.
I wish I could be like other kids and have plans on Friday night, or for the weekends, and I kind of used to, but my only two friends have changed, and I can’t deal with their drama. All they do is talk about themselves, they act like they want advice, so I give the best that I can and they do the opposite. Sometimes I swore they did it on purpose.
Here are my poor life choices that I don’t care enough about to fix because maybe I just hope something bad will happen… I smoke, not much but not enough for it to be healthy by any means. I’ve also been gagging myself to throw up… I’m very disappointed in that, but I'm more disappointed in my life. I'm wasting away and I'm only 16. I don’t want to hurt my dad by telling him I'm depressed cause that’ll only make him feel like he’s doing something wrong. I'm trapped and I don’t know how to make it out. I'm not suicidal but I have nothing good to hope for.
January 14, 2011