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Its The Same Cycle

For as long as I can really remember, I've know what it meant to kill yourself. My first real attempt was when I was 8 years old. Ever since then, I've just felt wrong. Like I should never have existed. As a teenager it was worse. Every screw up was my fault. Every little imperfection was a reason to end it. I never really knew what othes meant when they said they were happy. I joined the military when I was 19. At girst it gave me ditection, a plave to be and people who cared. But I ruined that too. I couldn't keep up my finances and it got too much. So, they let me go. Now, i am a civilian. It has been almost 6 years...I can't seem to hold a job, I am currently unemployedand feel like no one ever wants me around...namely, me. I can't stand to look in the mirror. And when i do gey myself esteem up, I circle right back to this....I have seen doctors and professionals. It hasnt helped. Medication doesn't seem to help either...so close to trying again. I dunno what to do anymore...help.
thehorridshaun thehorridshaun 26-30 4 Responses Mar 22, 2012

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Who first was never happy with what you did?<br />
Only yourself? Or some other whom you could not make happy and proud of you as a child?<br />
Or did you grow up with someone who was never satisfied with themselves?<br />
<br />
You demand perfection from yourself.<br />
Do you demand it in others before you think they are worth liking?<br />
<br />
What would happen if, when you felt like hating yourself, instead you were kind to yourself? Pretending you actually did like yourself?<br />
<br />
That...is actually what I suggest trying. Treat yourself "as if" you were and are worth something...you ARE worth something but you can't seem to break out of the delusion of no worth.<br />
<br />
You DO have worth. Pretend you believe me for a week. Be nice to yourself, even though you will not feel like it. Treat yourself as if you were a good friend.<br />
<br />
The other thing I suggest is replying to the random self-hating thoughts with consciously-thought positive opposites. <br />
You hear "I am horrid," float out of your mind.<br />
You think "I'm splendid," consciously back.<br />
And so forth.<br />
It sounds stupid. It works anyway.<br />
<br />
I have observed that all the self-punishment I have done and all the self-loathing I engaged in has never made me any better, any closer to perfect, any more excellent. <br />
<br />
In fact, it made me an emotional cripple and unable to do nearly anything. <br />
So it's...pointless. Does nothing to make you a better person.

Myself. I come from good solid people. I taught myself this...

Shaun, who was it that taught you to be so down on yourself—before you were eight I mean?

My bestie first tried to off himself at 8.<br />
He hates himself because he was taught to so well.<br />
<br />
Did you learn it from someone?