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Its The Same Cycle

For as long as I can really remember, I've know what it meant to kill yourself. My first real attempt was when I was 8 years old. Ever since then, I've just felt wrong. Like I should never have existed. As a teenager it was worse. Every screw up was my fault. Every little imperfection was a reason to end it. I never really knew what othes meant when they said they were happy. I joined the military when I was 19. At girst it gave me ditection, a plave to be and people who cared. But I ruined that too. I couldn't keep up my finances and it got too much. So, they let me go. Now, i am a civilian. It has been almost 6 years...I can't seem to hold a job, I am currently unemployedand feel like no one ever wants me around...namely, me. I can't stand to look in the mirror. And when i do gey myself esteem up, I circle right back to this....I have seen doctors and professionals. It hasnt helped. Medication doesn't seem to help either...so close to trying again. I dunno what to do anymore...help.
thehorridshaun thehorridshaun 26-30 4 Responses Mar 22, 2012

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Who first was never happy with what you did?

Only yourself? Or some other whom you could not make happy and proud of you as a child?

Or did you grow up with someone who was never satisfied with themselves?



You demand perfection from yourself.

Do you demand it in others before you think they are worth liking?



What would happen if, when you felt like hating yourself, instead you were kind to yourself? Pretending you actually did like yourself?



That...is actually what I suggest trying. Treat yourself "as if" you were and are worth something...you ARE worth something but you can't seem to break out of the delusion of no worth.



You DO have worth. Pretend you believe me for a week. Be nice to yourself, even though you will not feel like it. Treat yourself as if you were a good friend.



The other thing I suggest is replying to the random self-hating thoughts with consciously-thought positive opposites.

You hear "I am horrid," float out of your mind.

You think "I'm splendid," consciously back.

And so forth.

It sounds stupid. It works anyway.



I have observed that all the self-punishment I have done and all the self-loathing I engaged in has never made me any better, any closer to perfect, any more excellent.



In fact, it made me an emotional cripple and unable to do nearly anything.

So it's...pointless. Does nothing to make you a better person.

Myself. I come from good solid people. I taught myself this...

Shaun, who was it that taught you to be so down on yourself—before you were eight I mean?

My bestie first tried to off himself at 8.

He hates himself because he was taught to so well.



Did you learn it from someone?