I Am Nothing Worth Having

My (ex)boyfriend of two years tells me he loves me and but broke up with me because I haven't had sex with him in month. Why can't I just go ahead and do it anymore? I'm not sexually attracted to him, and I hate that I'm not. I hate how l look. My mom left me and now lives in Washington, she took my brothers with her. Why couldn't I have convinced her to say? Why couldn't I have been good enough for my mom or my ex? My mom always used to put me on diets and buy me pills. She hasn't touched me in years. My sisters have eating disorders, they have so many people supporting them and loving them. Why can't people love me? People use me, although I don't see why they would because I'm practically a drone. I'm not smart, or funny, or beautiful (except maybe in the dark with a full face of makeup). I cant make good conversation or relate to people, I cant make anyone feel loved or special or beautiful. I have ezcema and am addicted to caffeine and extensions. I cant take care of my body. I try to starve myself sometimes. I cant even do that right. I used to wrap duct tape around my legs to make them look smaller. See? Stupid. Useless. Unwanted. Unneeded. Boring. Broke. Fat. Ugly. Pathetic. Needy. Obsessive. Controlling. Hated. I wonder how many peopole think of me with the same level of disgust that I think of myself? Ha. Silly me to even think I'm worthy of gracing the thoughts of people. I stare in the mirror at this thing that I could swear is not human because it cant seem to do anything right. It cant even ****.

.... I want nothing more than to be alone for the rest of my lfe. So that I cant compare my shortcomings to others who always succeed. I cant wait to die and be perfect. I cant wait to go home.
BetterOffintheSky BetterOffintheSky
Mar 25, 2012