I'm Down And Don't Want To Be And Kinda Not Liking Myself Too Much

I've have not had the "perfect" life.  I grew up the child of a severe alcoholic.  I was the 8th child born 11 years after the 7th.  I did not really know my brothers or sister when I was little.  My dad took off when I was like 3 yrs old.  I lived in a two-by four apartment with my mom.  She liked to hang int he bars too.  In school I always felt like everyone was better than me.  My mom never helped me with school work and did not promote school work for me either in any way.  All she wanted me to do was dance.  Everything was about dance.  I like to dance to this day and I like music but not the way she wanted it to be.  She wanted me to be a dance teacher.  I quit dance when I was a senior in high school; I'd had enough.  When I was a kid I used to cry because I wanted my brothers and all of us to be together on the holidays.  This never happened.  I could write terrible stuff that happened on holidays like the Christmas my sister's husband beat up my brother and his friend and I saw blood in the snow.  Well I grew up and managed to not be a smoker or user of drugs and I met a fella that I fell in love with.  His family disliked me a lot and made it very clear they did not want us to get married.  This might have been a mistake.  We got married 27 years ago and raised two wonderful sons.  It has not been an easy 27 years however.  My youngest at age 4 had a serious injury and this changed me forever.  I was carefree and happy and had no worries up to that point.  I was just very happy that I had a "family".  Well my son injury resulted in a lot of physical therapy and surgeries.  Hundreds of trips to the hospital.  I was strong and stayed strong for him and did what a mom needs to do.  Over the years I lost 4 of my brothers and my father also before I got married.  My dad hung himself.  Two of my brothers died of aids, one of my brothers shot himself in the head and one was murdered.  But I seemed to deal with all of that at the time.  I have worked so hard over the years being a mom, a wife, a secretary for work and home, I had so much to keep track of and many battles to fight.  I never really felt comfortable with my husbands side of the family.  Then a number of years ago when my sister in law got breast cancer I was the punching bag for her.  All of her hatred that I felt for a long time came out.  It was just awful.  Now my employer of 20 years has been giving me grief.  I was sexually harassed for years at work and I took it.  I took it cause I work in a Fire Station and the man who was doing the harassing was related through marriage to relatives of my husband.  I was afraid of cause more family problems and also how the firemen would treat me.  Well, I finally could not take it anymore and I let it out and ever since it has not been too good.  I got so stressed out and depressed about my life that I did not want to live anymore.  Last fall I spent the night in the ER and then was directed to counseling and then in January I finally hit the bottom I guess.  I got admitted for my own benefit and to get some good counseling.  It helped quite a bit.  But the work issue is still a struggle.  During all of this I also have had to deal with some chronic health problems as I have a herniated, buldging and stenosis in my neck.  So pain is an issue and it also keeps me from doing many of the things I used to be able to do.  Tonight I am feeling so inadequate and embarrassed.  I hate myself because I got upset with my husband.  He hurt my feelings when were at my girlfriends house tonight with other people being there.  The topic came up about a traction unit I bought for my neck, but my husband blabbed how I only used it one time.  Well I only used it once time because when I was in it he took off and I wanted out of it and I could not get out of it and I panicked.  It became the topic and someone said jokingly that they would have left me in it too.  I just did not take it all that well.  For me my neck and how this has messed up my life was nothing to joke about.  I managed to stay and finish the evening at my friends and on the way home we did not talk for over half the way home.  And when we did he wanted to know if I was mad.  He already knew that I was hurt.  But I told him that it was not the topic to be joking about.  I guess I'm just tired and depressed tonight.  I look back on my life and nothing is the way I ever thought it would be and I'm just having a real hard time tonight with thinking about it.  I am a good person and I am trying my hardest to be a happy person.  I don't know why I just can't shake everything off and just be happy.  I guess I have had so many dissappointments that I'm troubled with  my life.  I have returned to church, I go to counseling and I read stories on  positive thinking, do puzzles to focus my mind.  But tonight I am hurting so badly.  My life is just not the life that I want and I don't know how to fix it.  I don't even know what I want to be honest.  I've had so many dreams over the years and none of them ever happened.  So I don't dream anymore I live my life in the present and the current reality.   I just need to have a good cry and then get over the pity party and keep going.  I'm 50 years old and I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Well, I left out the good stuff.  Back in December and January I did not want to live anymore.  All I could do was think about ways to end it.  Fortunately I did not do it even though I did try.  I guess it is good that I have an appointment with my social worker this Wednesday.  I hope someday something turns around for me before it is too late.ln
countrygirl36 countrygirl36
1 Response Apr 21, 2012

Am only 22 and our story are quit similar, when i feel that it should all be over I usually call the sucide hot line and talk to someone. Thank you for telling your story it always good to know that you are not alone. I pray that one day things gets better for you, You are a strong person don't give up.