I Hate Myself
I'm not really good at anything. I can't do what matters most, which is not making anyone's day worse and doing my schoolwork. I don't know what to do around people and I always screw up, and I just don't care enough lately, even though that's the only way I can get the career I want.
I feel fat. I'm not terribly, I guess. But I've gained weight in the last months/year partly because I don't care enough and I'm so lonely sometimes. I'm trying not to eat for the next few days to try and get control.
I seriously psyched myself out in a competition today. I scratched everything for the day, because I thought it would just go downhill from there and get me or someone else hurt, or at least mess up a lot of the work I've done. I started out nervous and them felt like I didn't have control.
My instructor told me to stop beating myself up about it, but I didn't see why...Something messed up, and wasted peoples' time and money, and that was me. Only me. If nobody else is going to punish me I think I need to.
I hope I can do better tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to do it though, and I'm afraid I'll screw up again.
I feel like I'm way over sensitive to criticism lately. If I feel like I messed something up, if someone corrects me on something that should have been obvious or completely misunderstands what I say, I want to cry. Sometimes I do, which makes me feel a hundred times worse because I'm crying over something so stupid. It feels sometimes like I'm riding a really sensitive bike with thin wheels (or whatever makes bikes sensitive), and if something bad happens I tip over and start falling down.
If I had a friend around I would feel better, but I see my only good friend once a week at most. It's been two weeks now, and I feel like when I'm mentally isolated like this I just stew in my own juices and spiral into not caring about some things and misery. But talking with someone about just stuff directs my thoughts more positively about possibilities instead of mostly thinking about why I suck so much.
This is mostly just a vent. I'm going to try a lot harder to clean my act up tomorrow and next week, so maybe I'll be happy and never look at this again. If you've read through this, thank you for your time.
I feel fat. I'm not terribly, I guess. But I've gained weight in the last months/year partly because I don't care enough and I'm so lonely sometimes. I'm trying not to eat for the next few days to try and get control.
I seriously psyched myself out in a competition today. I scratched everything for the day, because I thought it would just go downhill from there and get me or someone else hurt, or at least mess up a lot of the work I've done. I started out nervous and them felt like I didn't have control.
My instructor told me to stop beating myself up about it, but I didn't see why...Something messed up, and wasted peoples' time and money, and that was me. Only me. If nobody else is going to punish me I think I need to.
I hope I can do better tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to do it though, and I'm afraid I'll screw up again.
I feel like I'm way over sensitive to criticism lately. If I feel like I messed something up, if someone corrects me on something that should have been obvious or completely misunderstands what I say, I want to cry. Sometimes I do, which makes me feel a hundred times worse because I'm crying over something so stupid. It feels sometimes like I'm riding a really sensitive bike with thin wheels (or whatever makes bikes sensitive), and if something bad happens I tip over and start falling down.
If I had a friend around I would feel better, but I see my only good friend once a week at most. It's been two weeks now, and I feel like when I'm mentally isolated like this I just stew in my own juices and spiral into not caring about some things and misery. But talking with someone about just stuff directs my thoughts more positively about possibilities instead of mostly thinking about why I suck so much.
This is mostly just a vent. I'm going to try a lot harder to clean my act up tomorrow and next week, so maybe I'll be happy and never look at this again. If you've read through this, thank you for your time.
By:
Unhappyperson
Age:
13-15
,
Female
