I Don't Trust Myself

I loathe every single bit of my life, including me. Why am I me? I don't know who I am, what I am, what I like, what I want to do.

I'm ugly. I've had a pimple infested face since I was in sixth grade, with people calling me names like "pimple face" and "pizza face" and such. I tried putting on some cream to cover it, but then (I'm a freshman now) they tell me "are you wearing cream? you didn't even put it on properly" and such. I go to the doctor, I put on medicine, and I try taking care of it but it's just red blotches all over my face. I hate going out in public, and I absolutely hate sitting right next to people in school.

And I'm flat. My friends make fun of me all the time, telling me "you won't get a guy if you don't have the body." And I guess they're right. They tell me off when I wear a tight shirt because I have nothing to show.

I'm short. My friends make fun of me, and I pretend to take it lightly, but it really hurts me. And I have a big mole on my arm, which my friends always "mistaken" as a piece of dirt and always try "brushing it off." It's one of my childhood complexities, so I hate wearing short sleeve shirts. I even went to the doctor to ask if I could remove it, but they said "it's hard."

My parents are always telling me that if I continue to play around, I won't be good enough. I guess I do get pretty good grades, straight high As, but I can't hold it there anymore. My friends are always trying to compete against each other, saying "I failed I got a 98." Sometimes I hate it so much that I'm asian.

"You're so boring" is what one friend tells me all the time. "You're boring to be with." and "My mom thinks you're a bad influence on me." and "you dress like a fob"

I'm always crying myself to sleep. I'm always worrying in my head. I don't tell my friends any of this, and I never will. I don't tell my parents any of this, and I never will. I don't trust myself either. I have a horrible past. I've been suspended from school, had teachers who absolutely hated me, and lots of enemies. But the one person I hate the most is myself. I know it looks like my friends are pulling me down a lot, and they are, but I can't just "ditch them." If you know what I mean. I just need to write everything down. Because I don't tell anyone about my problems.
15074a 15074a
18-21, F
1 Response May 5, 2012

Dear 15074a,<br />
I am sorry to hear that you have had to go trough all that, and I wish to send you hugs and strength, dear friend. Actually, I myself am trying to fight off depression and the feelings of hate towards myself, and it really isn't too easy. <br />
About pimples, Im with you. Though my case of pimples isn't the worst in the world, it still is really stressing and annoying and simply awful to have them. I haven't gone to doctor's since it isnt that bad but still.. I try to eat all the vitamins (such as vitamin E) and antioxidants etc. that are good for your skin, drink lot's of water, and I wash my face every morning & night and I use camellia oil before i go to bed (plus on mornings when i dont have to go anywhere :P). ! And ! With time it'll usuyally get better. Plus if you wash and "take care" of your skin too much, it could backfire. ( And just how rude and awful people these days really are!! Saying such rude things to you (the pizza face etc., ugh just writing that here makes me feel bad and angry, Im so sorry >-<)! Screw them! They are ugly cowards!! People who say such hideous comments will later or sooner regret!! RAWR! Makes me mad!!!! >`A´.<...)<br />
Studies, are sure stressing. But listen, Straight high A's do not equal to pretty good grades. They equal to EXCELLENT grades. You are a top-notch student...! And everybody knows that saying "I failed I got a 98", is purely ridiculous. By saying that this person is hoping for comforting and that people would say "oh no, you did very well!" She/He isn't confident of him/herself, and so wants other people to tell her/him that she/he is great. You just have to let that line come in from one ear and get out from another. You yourself are doing a great job in your studies, well done! (I myself havent been in school for... a couple of months.. I did quite well in school, could've done a lot better i had been more interested in the subjects, or just bothered to actually study. I always just quickly finished my homework, and studying for exams always ended up to be on the last night before "the big day". While panicking =w= .. quite silly don't you think? Oh, now I am a freshman in high school. Or were..?)<br />
You wrote you have a horrible past. The time when you were suspended from school? And teachers hated you? Enemies? But what in the world does that matter now? I mean, now you're doing great at school! And what does is matter if you were a "yankee" of some sort or something?? Nothing!! And those "friends" of yours told you you were boring? Yeah right! I think you're interesting, and i would certainly like to know more about you! Moreover I think it would be great if I could be your friend! ( a real one...)<br />
I know you wrote that you couldn't ditch your friends, but i must say they really sound awful, and I am aware that i might hurt you by saying this, since they are your "friends" after all, but still I reeeaaaalllyyyyy do n.o.t. like them. It is hurting me that they are hurting you! Sure this might sound silly to you since I am a complete stranger on internet, but I am writing this to you now, as a friend. I really wish that you could tell them off when they are (if they are) saying something stupid to you again, since it hurts you. But of course it is not my right to tell you what to do and what not to do, you must decide yourself. But I must say this again: your "friends" really annoy me. I wish you luck with them.<br />
About the mole, your friends were incredibly rude. What can you do about it! I have two moles on my neck, they're not all that big, but they look like a vampires bite =_=:.<br />
It isn't nice to hear that you cry yourself to sleep, or that you hate yourself. Certainly not. I am not the best one to be preaching about this but i really wish you could step by step learn to first like yourself then love yourself. Because you are absolutely worth it. You deserve to be happy, to love yourself and be loved by many many others, you deserve to trust yourself and BE yourself. You deserve to be strong. You can be, and you are. <br />
Though you wrote that you couldn't ever tell your problems to your parents or anyone, but.. your parents still are your parents, you were born from their love and they took care of you with love, dont they still? If you sincerely tell them about some of your feelings shouldnt they at least try to understand? You ARE their daughter. If not your parents, isn't there aaaaanyone? Neighbors grandma with the wisdom of age or something??<br />
I hope you can clear things with your friends and parents. You still are very young and you already are getting A's from school and all, what more could your parents possibly be asking?? And not good enough for what?! You are perfect the way you are!! Exclamation mark!<br />
When you're feeling down, hobbies can cheer you up. I myself, when feeling down, listen to my favourite songs or play the piano, sing, or draw/paint. Or play with our doggie, he's so adorable and makes me feel better even if i was on verge of tears. He's name is Vekku <3 ( okay sidetracked a bit now.. im sorry) Simple joys can cheer you up amazingly too! Such as... the clean fresh sheets when going to bed, the sound of the rain when you wake up and you still have time to sleep, Sunny and windy days (Sun lights the world up and wind blows away your worries <3), flowers, tasy berries, the sound of a little creek/stream, the sound of wind in trees and soooooo many things more ^.^! You could write a diary as well, or some stories you can relate to :3!<br />
<br />
I wish you lots of happiness, joy, love and luck! I hope you can clear things up! xoxo<br />
Sincerely, Maju ([mayu] <- sorry just had to put that in >-<;)