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I Am The Worst Person I Know

I am the worst person I know. I am only 14. I used to be so mean to people because I hated myself and I took it out on others, but now I just take it out on myself. In school I would always get in trouble and everyone hated me. I have no friends, I probably haven't had a real friend since elementary school. There's no way that its not my fault. I get so much from my parents and I can hardly pay them back I feel like such a spoiled brat. If I wasn't alive they would be happier probably. But I just had to be born. It was such a mistake. I didn't ask to be born this person. Why couldn't I have been born as someone better? Everyone else is a better, stronger person than I am. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but its impossible to ignore it. Everyone is so much better than me in every way. I am just a lazy, depressed, loner who isn't going anywhere. Everyone seems to think I am extremely happy when I am not. I hate just being alive. Everyone thinks just because I have material objects that I "want," then I must be happy and have no reason to be sad. They say things like, "there are starving people all over the world, what do you have to be sad about?!" I would rather be those starving people, they are all stronger and live lives of more meaning than I do. I don't do anything at all. Just watch movies or play games. I am such a loser there is no reason for me to live. 

I feel stupid compared to everyone. It doesn't matter that I can memorize facts, I am stupid. I have no common sense and I always mess things up. I can't ever finish anything I start and there is much better people than me. The only thing I could ever think that was good about me was being smart, but I'm not smart at all.

 

I suck at everything and I waste my life on the computer. I play video games which gets very boring (every video game gets boring after you played so many, I'm tired of pressing buttons for fun). My whole life is boring. I wish I wasn't born me, I wish I was born like a normal person. At least they can go through a day without repeating in their head "I hate my life I want to kill myself." I don't know where I got that from, I just randomly started saying that one day to myself, and now I say it without thinking.

 

I'm boring and annoying. Why was I born? I do NOTHING all day, and I don't have any real friends, I wish I could just die. Also, I have almost no common sense. I don't understand why people would cry if I died. I hate this stupid "unconditional love". Why would someone even care if I died? Its so annoying how family is supposed to cry if you died even when you are horrible. 

 

I am very annoying. Every time I talk, I annoy someone else or even myself. I can't ever think of anything to say, so the only thing I can do is try to talk, which ends up being annoying. If I don't talk, I am just boring. I can't ever think of anything to say without being random or a jerk. I just stand there and do nothing. I never do anything. I can't even think of the last time I did anything. I'm fat because I'm extremely embarrassed to exercise at all.

 

I'm so scared when I'm around anybody. I feel like they are judging me, and everything I do makes them hate me. I can't stop feeling this, I feel so guilty for not saying something to someone that I know I should. Sometimes I acidently offend someone and it feels like I should just die. I tell myself that I'm just thinking these things, but I'm afraid that everyone will hate me if I talk to them. 

 

I've never liked myself, for as long as I remember. I'm completely embarassed whenever I think about how I used to be, I was annoying and a brat, I don't think anyone liked me then. There was only one year I felt like I completley changed, but I was wrong. Im still an annoying spoiled brat with no friends. I could have just as easily ended up as someone better. I hate being me. Even if it looks like I am really happy on the outside and having fun, theres always a voice in the back of my head saying "You are sad, no one likes you." I'm always depressed no matter what........ 

 

I really can't be me anymore. I hate myself so much I want to torture myself because I deserve it, and I now I hate myself even more for thinking that. I'm the must ugly person ever my face is ugly I have a lazy eye and a terrible smile, I'm overweight and I'm really ugly. I'm the most boring person I've ever met and no one could ever like me. Everyone hates me I'm suprised no one has tried to murder me yet, if I was someone else I would have stabbed me 100 times and be happy that I just got rid a huge waste of space. A table is less of a waste of space than me. I wish I was never born or was born as someone else that doesn't take up space and hurt everyones fellings and annoy them and make them sad.


I feel like some useless mass of skin just waiting to be thrown in the trash, and no one would care to dig me out of the dumpster. I can't like myself, I am a waste of space that can't do anything. I'm doomed to be a waste of space forever. 
fish20 fish20 22-25, M 9 Responses May 6, 2012

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First of all, being 14 in general is hard. I remember middle school and the beginning of high school being very hard for me. Teenagers are harsh. They don't understand how what they say can effect someone. But just remember that time changes all. If you don't like yourself, change. Go out and join a recreational sports team instead of playing video games. Go in your backyard to workout if you're embarrassed of being overweight. Eat healthier. I'm 21 and life is much easier as you get older..the emotional side of it anyway. Just push through and try not to be negative. Tell your parents thank you for the material things they buy you. Say something nice to someone at school. Love yourself. Hating yourself isn't going to make it any easier. Be who you want to be instead of who you hate.

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWDiXN8nAx4&feature=youtu.be

wow you described me entirely, except the fat part. literally everything except the fat part

hey don't think like that. don't be so harsh with yourself , its not like that. in fact i think you are a nice person at least you know about your flaws and you care about others i feel. people are very mean these days but you are not one of them. <br />
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just develop a loving attitude towards your self and for others as well. don't judge yourself. go to a nearest bookstore and find some motivational books and read them with commitment . wake up early in the morning go for some brisk walk daily for 6 months. then see the difference. god loves you. so pray wholeheartedly to him. all the best. i know you will do it. i trust you .

I felt exactly like you from age 12 to just about a year ago. I didnt want to get up, I didnt want to be around people... but I hated being alone. <br />
As crazy as it sounds everything can change in a moment, good or bad. As hard as it sounds try to take small things and find good in them. Whether that be people, or a hobby, heck it could even be cloud watching, just find something that sparks a tiny bit of interest and dive into it.<br />
There is happiness out there for everyone, it just takes some of us more time to find it then most.<br />
I used to get very close to committing suicide and then not be able to go threw with it. "Coward," was all I could say to myself. It took me awhile to realize this was a strength, and not being able to do this did not make me a coward. Im so grateful that I did not take my life, because it did get better.<br />
Everything is not perfect, and it will never be perfect. But it will get better. And sometimes no one else will be there, and strength has to come from the inside. <br />
Just remember you are worth it, you are worth being born and nothing will ever change that.

It's really frightening how similar our thoughts are....I swear I could've written this exact post

I feel the same way alot of the time and I'm forty something. Life hasn't always been crappy though. It is now, and was when I was a kid, but there were good patches of many years in there. You get ups and downs. What makes a difference? Well, changing your environment can make a big difference. If you meet new people or try a new activity you may discover you like it better than what you were doing before.<br />
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I was so down on myself in the late 90s that I went and joined the Army at 32 years of age. I was seriously hoping that if I got lucky someone might shoot me. I did go to war, but didn't get shot. Somewhere along the way I ended up really enjoying my life for a while. What made the difference? Being around people who weren't full of **** and lying all the time was a big part of it. Probably regular exercise helped a lot too, everyone says so. Anyway, I wouldn't have expected it, but it was a really positive experience. Hard, but fun. I actually like being in danger, I have a bit of a thrill-seeking personality, or something. Other people would get scared from stuff that would leave me thrilled and excited. Peaceful civilian life leaves me nothing to be thrilled about, and I'm depressed again. I thought about becoming a firefighter or policeman, but I am too old to start with either. There just is nothing to do that is very adventurous in 'real life' and I just end up feeling empty, then I get angry and start arguments with people because I am bored. The pyschiatrist says that is PTSD, which I can accept, but it feels lousy being mean to people just because I'm bored. I wish I had some other outlet for my emotions but there is like nothing to do.<br />
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Ho hum. My suggestion to you, and to myself, I should take it too I guess, is try something completely different. Meet new people try new experiences, you may discover something you like somewhere. Hope so. Good luck.

you should be mean to people, because they're ******* stupid :)

I can't really say "have confidence and everything will work out." Hell, if that was the case, life would be so much easier. What I can say without doubt is that people who are depressed really don't know what they want in life, because nothing seems all that appealing. You could be someone else, but you'll just be insisting that you're worthless anyway. That's how depression works. You could be the most attractive, intelligent and talented person since Clint Eastwood, yet you won't be able to recognize it.<br />
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Depression is chemical and environmental. You have a predisposition towards feeling sorry for yourself, so you're already quite miserable. People respond to it negatively and that makes you feel worse.<br />
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It seems inescapable, but people overcome depression all the time. People in worse situations than you. I know it seems like you're the scum of the Earth, but think about that for a second. Are you really the scum of the Earth? When you think of crappy human beings, do you immediately think of some lonely guy who's too unhappy with himself to carry on with his life for the time being, or do you think of murderers, pedophiles; stuff like that? The former isn't necessarily what you think you are, but that's a pretty accurate desc<x>ription of you from the outside looking in. You think you're a piece of crap with no redeeming characteristics. Which isn't true. But trying to convince you of that will be futile seeing as how you've already made up your mind.<br />
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But you come across as a better person than a lot of the people you can meet on the internet. There are some real bastards out there and it's sad that someone like you thinks you're a worse person than they are. <br />
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Just try to acknowledge the fact that you aren't as crappy as you think you are. There's nothing I can say or do that will change your mind, only you can do that though. Because you're your own worst enemy.