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Been There, It Gets Better

If you hate yourself, it means you have empathy. It means you're human. It means you care so much about others that you're willing to damage yourself for their sake. It means you punish yourself so cruelly every second of most every day, for the sake of those you love, and those you don't even know. You're on everyone else's side. But wait, who is on your side?

You can't expect someone else to do it for you. You'll never be able to believe that someone else cares about you unless you care about yourself first. Trust me. ANYTHING anyone else does will NEVER be enough to make you believe they care. It has to start with you.

The platitude goes "you can't find happiness in love until you love yourself." It's the truth. And the thing you are desperately craving is to be loved. So please, PLEASE let yourself have it.

You may admire yourself, but you don't like yourself. Take it from someone who's been there: being miserable does not make you special. It only makes you miserable.

Choose. Life.

There's an incredible, beautiful, wondrous, terrifying world out there. You're hiding from it, but you're part of it. Changing is hard, and scary, but I know you're brave. I am certain of it. To hate who you are, and what you do, and still have to fortitude to go on living is incredibly courageous. You are some of the bravest people I know of. <3

Please please please come back. You are never too far gone to be saved.
slow4speed slow4speed 22-25, F 42 Responses May 6, 2012

Your Response


thank you

It feels good to read this and hear it again...I think it's something that we all know deep inside. It's just hard to face and realise it. Thank you for this.

Thank you for posting this it's making me teary but it feels good to know someone has actually overcome this struggle I have no one to talk to for any sort of mental advice and this is just what I needed today I fight with old habits of razor using but sometimes just reading through this site eases me . Definitely did the job thank you so much

Love this! Just what I needed to hear. Copying to my phone and hanging where I can read it everyday ♥♥♥ツ

*Tears * Tears
Tears for the reality, the truth and the demons I have.... Thank you for your words that gave me hope for who I use to be...

Thank you thank you thank you!;')

True. This is the way to go. If you choose the former self-loathing it won't end in your teens. The advice given here would be true and helpful through your entire life.

Thank you for posting an uplifting passage. It helps to know others are out there.

Thank you for your inspiring words.

Easier said than done...this world is crazy

I wish you were my friend, here with me.

that's truly wonderful wat u say and its so true

Wow...It was almost as if you actually heard what I won't say...Thank you for writing this. I don't know how someone starts loving them self...but I'll be damned if I don't try.

The others here do but I don't. I damage myself psychologically because I'm extremely self conscious about my capacity for learning.
I have a superiority complex (of some form) and the thought that people are better than me adds to my self hatred.
I have no ******* empathy

did u really think this comment helped? obviously not if you the least liked comment on this page...dont hate on others stories and try to be positive and consider what people are saying for a change. have a nice day:)

¨Changing is hard, and scary, but I know you're brave. I am certain of it.¨¨ And this is exactly what I was hoping NOT to find in a helpful article. Everyone around me says the same thing, the ¨you´re strong and we trust you can do it¨ motto and is what makes it even worse for me. Because i know better, i´m not strong and i CAN´T do it, otherwise something good might of happened in these past few years. When you attempt several times to change and improve and you fail miserably where others don´t have the slightest problem, and when everyone around you seems to build a life while you only go by for no reason....i guess it pretty much screams that you CAN´T do it. We want help, no just some pretty words. I, for one,have plenty of those...i tell myself every day all the pretty and inspiring stories about me and my life and how it gets better..... and yet these words never reach deep whitin me. So please,people, stop telling me I´m fine and stop telling me how much you trust my strenght. There isn´t any!
(sorry for being so aggresive, i don´t even know if it´s directed towards your article or me or someone in the were trying to help and that´s great,it really is:D )

It's true. All the pretty words in the world are ultimately useless. I can identify with your repeated attempts to improve your emotional state. I tried different counselors, doctors, a psychiatrist, medication, talk therapy, meditation, independent psychological research, support from friends and family, and more over the course of several years before I found a system of lasting relief and eventual improvement. I can understand your anger and frustration at the inevitable and repeated relapses in mood and functioning. Having been in a mental state where I didn't feel enough connection to this world to want to stay in it, I have tremendous empathy for everyone that still suffers in a similar manner. You want help, but all I can give you is words. I can't make you feel or believe anything. You are the only one who can help you. All the rest of us can do is believe that you can. I don't know how to describe why your life is important to all of the other forms of life in this universe without getting transcendental or metaphysical on you, but it is something I know to be true. We love you.

For about a week I have been going through some weird emotional crisis the sum of which has been to realise, "I hate myself". By searching the words "I hate myself" I landed here. Your words are very inspired and I was surprised to see you are quite young. So often I find that young people are clear thinking and wise. I used to be young, I used to be wise. Recently I have been reading a book called 'Letting Go' by David R. Hawkins. Working through the process of letting go brings up a lot of pressed down emotion and we are to realise that it is actually great progress to have the emotions at all. Then we are to acknowledge the emotions for what they are (fear/resistance) and let it go, let it go, let it go. There will be more of it coming up, let it go. On this occasion this process was not working for me. I was stubbornly clinging to this seeming self hatred and so I was forced to admit that perhaps it was serving me in some way. It came to show me I still have self forgiveness to work on and so for that I could be grateful to this feeling of self hatred that pops up from time to time. Let it go. Reading your post this morning I felt lighter and more hopeful about my progress as a human being. Just trying to be good, just trying to do things right. Anyway, thank you.

I'm really impressed with your choices and progress, and I'm glad my story affected you positively! I wish you the best.

I feel so lost and confused with the way my life is going. I know what I want in life, but I don't think I have a chance in the world of getting any of it. Every attempt I make at improving myself just seems to go wrong somehow, someway no matter what I do. I want to have a real life with a job that helps me out, and a family that supports me. I want to know what love is and to graduate from college so that for once in my life I can feel smart and not some idiot who seems to be destined to work at a fast food place the rest of my life and to have no friends, and no life at all. I hate who I am and who I seem to be. I hate feeling lost and confused about life and everything else. I hate being in my thirty's and having never experienced love at all. While everyone else around me gets married and has families and I seem to get nothing! I've never even been kissed and that is sad because i think about it more than you can imagine. To make matters worse I am fat and ugly, with adult acne that never goes away. I went to college to be a teacher and was kicked out of the program because I have to much anxiety and couldn't stand in front of the class and teach lessons to them so I failed my internship. They told me to get help but i can't afford it and they told me that I do better at helping others more than teaching them so they transferred me into a Human Service program, but I feel like I can't help anyone until I can help myself, but I don't know how. I don't have insurance or money for it. I am having trouble with my classes because I know I am not as smart as everyone else in the class, so I procrastinate on my homework because I am so scared that I won't do it right or that I will fail the assignment. Help I don't know what to do and where to go. I just want to belong somewhere. I wish I were smarter and understood things better!

Don´t wish you were smarter or better, you´re good the way you are. I don´t know what is it yet but there´s something wrong in the way we look and perceive the worlds, not whitin us.
My problems were born because i thought i was smart. So I trusted people that being top of the class means you´re smart and good, believing that if you help your friends and keep loyal to them you´re good and loved. I began dreaming that since I´m smart and good I will have a nice life...i will go to college and get a job and have many friends and be happy. And guess what? The least smart kids in my class now have well-paid jobs and experience, they have friends and boyfriends/gf and build a life for themselves. I am still waiting on the sideline wondering when will I live.
You´re anxious in front of the class? So what, you can still teach. Give private lessons, teach your friends to do things, slowly amp the number of ¨student¨ and maybe one day you´ll stand in fron of a huge classroom. The internship was only the first step and you tripped, it doesn´t mean you can´t get up and still going as long as you want to.
Stop procrastinating on homework, just write a really stupid one. The dumbest you can think of. Next day look over it and see if you can make it better. Maybe your ¨stupid¨ idea isn´t as stupid for the teacher.
I don´t know if I can help you but please stop thinking that smart will win the world. It isn´t the case, usually there´s much more than brains that makes things work and given the fact that you feel sorry for your lack of knowledge proves you´re not that dumb anyway.Try and read more, play brain games and educational blogs, gain the knowledge you crave for and don´t worry if it takes you longer to learn because it isn´t the point.
And what if you´re not beautiful and thin? Look at Oprah,Steve Jobs, Mahatma Ghandi, Osho and many more...none of them were pretty, but their beauty was in their eyes. And yours is there too, you just don´t know it yet.

I have been hurting for so many years and can't pinpoint one single aspect of my live that has made me feel this way but I know that I have never felt that I fit in anywhere. Life is a daily struggle for me. I have extreme anger issues I lash out at my family. I have been struggling with bulimia for years. I have made several attempts in my life to get held but it did not work. No one understands me because I have never meet anyone like myself. I have thoughts of ending my life but then quickly think of how my kids would have to deal with that. I am so lost and feel like such a burden to everyone. My life is doing nowhere fast because I have such high anxiety that stops me from doing anything. I just don't want my kids to hate me and regret me as their mom because I love them with all of my heart and they are the reason I keep on living. I have never found why I was put on this earth and fear I never will.

It sounds like you have a lack of emotional connection and support. I appreciate how hard it is to open up to people when your go-to response is anger and anxiety. I think you could benefit from some meditative and deep breathing exercises to help you relax. They can also help out with controlling your anger, in time. I find that taking deep slow breaths through your diaphragm does wonders for a racing heart rate. Taking abdominal breaths sends biochemical signals to the rest of your body that everything is all right and has a general calming effect, while breathing deeply with your lungs can actually accelerate your heart rate. Anger is a trickier emotion to control, because it's quick to show up and reluctant to leave. It will leave you feeling emotionally vulnerable, and you may even break down and cry, but if you can be brave enough to voice the unconscious thought pathway that leads to your lashing out you can stop that behavior pattern dead in its tracks. It's hard to be that honest with another person, but here's an example that might occur between me and my family: "Mother comments on how ugly a feature of my apartment is, and that I really need to get it fixed soon. In response I feel angry, because she's pointing out a problem I already know about and agree is and ugly part of my new apartment, but that I haven't had time to fix. Doesn't she know how demanding my school program is? Does she think I didn't notice such an obvious thing? How inconsiderate and infuriatingly motherly for her to be telling me what to do in my new life!" That's how my thought patterns would spiral out of control towards anger in that scenario. Instead of snapping at my mother, I could say "Your comment makes me think you don't have confidence in me to run and take care of my own life. I know that seems like an strange and extreme thing to think in response to you commenting on my apartment, but that's how it makes me feel." And since my mother, and nearly all family members, have a deep and endearing love for the rest of their family, her response would probably be: "That's not how I feel at all! I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I was just commenting on the ugly piano with boards holding it up because the legs are broken off." To which I would reply: "Yes, it is a very ugly piano." and thereby avoid some feelings of familial animosity. As for your body image problem and eating disorder, I can't offer any expert advice in that area, but it might be helpful to have someone you trust monitor you. There was a time when some new depression medication made me have suicidal ideation, and the only thing I could think to do was tell the people I trusted to watch me and not leave me alone until those thoughts went away. If you're accountable to people that care about you, maybe you'll be able to curb some of your bulimic behavior and get some control over your condition. Getting help about these issues was a very brave thing to do, and it's frustrating how psychiatric treatment seems not to stick sometimes. It's important to realize that lasting change can't come from an outside source, but counseling, medication and psychiatric exercises can be great tools. Joining this website was a good effort on your part. You may find a community of people here that you can be comfortable with and who can offer you emotional support. You may even find a lot of people who you can relate to, and realize that there's always someone out there who understands, no matter how out there you may be. :o)

I agree with pip01, I know that's true, but I don't love myself. I feel worthless.
I was a mistake. I am not supposed to be here. How do I learn to love myself.

Thank you. Life really sucks.

how, how how.... i believe what you are saying is right. i have heard it many times before and in many different ways, but how??

Engage yourself in life. New places, people, or hobbies can break self-destructive cycles. Doing things different instead of trying to think your way out of depression is a helpful strategy. If you told me more about your situation, perhaps I could be more specific.

But how do you start to do this? X

Thank you so much. I have realized somthing. In order to like me, I need help. Made a call for that today. It's time to break a vicious cycle. Again thank you for this inspirational post

What I hate about myself is my whole body, not because I think I'm fat.. idk I just don't like it. It has a weird, not attractive at all shape. And my face...ohhh i don't want to get into there. I'm ugly as f****. And we all know that what matters is the looks...if you are overweight, well at least you're pretty. But I'm not and that's the first thing people notice. I don't even know how my family talks to me and looks at my horrible face. And the worst thing is that I can't change that. It's how I am and I don't want to be like this.

the beauty is that of the spirit

I have everything I have ever wanted, good hard working husband, healthy son, education, job... But I just hate myself. I don't deserve, my son... He deserves a better mother. I feel I am pushing my husband away by always discussing how ugly I am and there's no wonder that he doesn't want to b intimate with me. If i was him i wouldnt want to be intimate with me either. i find my self fantasising about how things would be if I were to die, if I could walk infront of a moving vehicle, or overdose on tablets. I know I would never commit such acts, but I tend to think about these things quite often. I m constantly making myself feel worse and worse... Until I am exhausted.h

you need assistance not psychiatric one

It's hard to love myself when I don't believe I deserve love (as much as I may want it). There are many horrible things in this world, and if someone like me can find happiness when others far more deserving cannot... it just makes it that much worse. I like torturing myself to feed my twisted sense of justice.

This makes me feel good but how can I stop taking my frustrations of others out on myself?

Increasing your self-worth is difficult, because it has to come from inside of you. I think my story "Sick of being depressed? Enjoyment vs Pleasure" might be helpful in starting to amp up of your self-worth. It's all about degrading destructive neural pathways and building positive ones. No one can make you feel good about yourself until YOU believe it. And when you feel good about who you are, you'll know that those other people deserve the consequences of their bad behavior, and that it's not your job to absorb all of their negativity.

this is the most positive post ave seen here<br />
its good you were there and are now out and better, i wish for that more than ever.<br />
i have hated myself for the years ave lived, 27 years, pretty long huh<br />
i feel i put every one else before me, even those who disrespect me and abuse my body, i feel am not worthy of love as a person. i feel i dont even exist as a person that needs respect. i dont feel my soul. i dont feel myself. i just wake up because i must, eat because am hungry, i doont know anything like true love, i just please people, and feel guilty when i dont.<br />
when i make a mistake, i almost beat myself. well partky its coz i was bullied by my sister and brothers , ridiculed by my mother and father till today and i feel my opinion doesnt matter even to myself.<br />
its terrible, i have tried to get help but i reach an extemt where i say may be i dont dserve it, may be they shouldnt help me. if my own family neglected me, why should they help me. its crazy and i dont know what to do

**** 'em. Eff them all. Screw anyone who doesn't believe in you. Respect yourself and other will follow. Act like you deserve love and respect, and people will treat you that way. I know it's a huge change, but it has to start with you.

Help yourself by putting you first, write down goals and go for them don't tell anyone so they can't push you down.

To quote the Ent, "Side? I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side, little orc." <br />
<br />
Of course, I don't think you're an orc, nor do I think you're wrong, necessarily. I just think your advice is not applicable to everyone. Some problems are more complicated than just wanting to be loved. I am not a Vogon, and have no Vogonity to express here. <br />
<br />
The problem is, there is a dichotomy between hating yourself because you perceive that the world hates you, and hating yourself while also loving the things that cause you to hate yourself - if that makes any sense. For example; I am a reader, a thinker, a naturalist and an adventure junkie. I love nature. I love reading, and I aspire to be a writer. I, however, know that these things will by no means benefit me and it's unrealistic to expect that they ever will. If I pursue the things I love, I will be walking headlong into poverty and misery, and will most likely have to do so alone; I can handle the alone part, but the fact of the matter is, I have no desire to work in warehouses and manufacturing plants for the rest of my life. Yet, those options are the least troubling ones I have. <br />
<br />
So I hate myself for loving things that cause me nothing but heartache, pain, deprivation and misery. <br />
<br />
I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Well, that's an easy solution. **** the world. **** anyone and everything that tells you that you can't do what you love. Anyone that doesn't believe in you doesn't deserve your belief back. I recently had to tell my family off for telling me I needed a 'real job.' I told them it was my life, so stop telling me to live it to their standards. There is ALWAYS a way to succeed while doing the things you love. In fact, that is the only way to succeed. If you work nine to five in a cubicle, get stressed out, get ulcers and liver problems from drinking due to dissatisfaction, is that success? Hell no. That path makes the current authority figures in your life happy. Do what makes YOU happy. Don't let anybody keep you down, and NEVER let other people make you hate yourself for being you. **** authority. Be your own authority.

Be all you can be; an army of one. I like it. It's rarely that simple, though. Most of my problems stem from money issues. I need an income to do the things I want, because the things I want won't make me money unless I compromise and corrupt them into something I won't enjoy for very long. Already been there and done that. Money and economy are themselves evil things that destroy dreams and everything good. Other people are only secondary variables.

Your words are so true but I feel I'm am past the point of help. I feel like I'm going insane, day after day, the pressures of being single at 44yrs old (widow) woman and staying beautiful, if your not, then no-one will love you. I feel I have nothing to give anyone anymore.... I dont feel worthy of love. I feel numb most of the time, just drifting through life. Most of my friends don't want to be around me because I'm not much fun to be with, and i dont blame them.... Id runnaway from myself if i could. I have no-one i can talk to about this.... My soul is dying, I have no positive energy to save it. I just want to be loved unconditionally, like I used to be loved by my late husband, but I won't let anyone in, I won't let them get too close to me for fear that they will see this pathetic crazy person. I'm lost and just don't know what to do :'-(

The wire you've got crossed is thinking physical beauty has anything to do with being desirable. I've got a video for you. Look up "susan boyle britain's got talent." It's so inspirational. I cried. &lt;3 I can tell you're a beautiful, valuable, caring person. If you can start believing that truth, then others will believe it too.

I new someone similar to you situation wise they became a foster carer they are so happy and full of life there a different person. They told me caring for kids until they find a home is amazingly fulfilling maybe you can do some charity work help others so good fortune comes your way. I wish the best