Been There, It Gets BetterIf you hate yourself, it means you have empathy. It means you're human. It means you care so much about others that you're willing to damage yourself for their sake. It means you punish yourself so cruelly every second of most every day, for the sake of those you love, and those you don't even know. You're on everyone else's side. But wait, who is on your side?
You can't expect someone else to do it for you. You'll never be able to believe that someone else cares about you unless you care about yourself first. Trust me. ANYTHING anyone else does will NEVER be enough to make you believe they care. It has to start with you.
The platitude goes "you can't find happiness in love until you love yourself." It's the truth. And the thing you are desperately craving is to be loved. So please, PLEASE let yourself have it.
You may admire yourself, but you don't like yourself. Take it from someone who's been there: being miserable does not make you special. It only makes you miserable.
There's an incredible, beautiful, wondrous, terrifying world out there. You're hiding from it, but you're part of it. Changing is hard, and scary, but I know you're brave. I am certain of it. To hate who you are, and what you do, and still have to fortitude to go on living is incredibly courageous. You are some of the bravest people I know of. <3
Please please please come back. You are never too far gone to be saved.