I Feel As Though Everyone Around Me Is Better Than Me.

I hate who I am. I hate the way my life has gone and is still going. My parents split when i was 7. My father took my oldest sister and younger brother to live with him. They moved around alot while he tried to avoid paying child support..to this day still does. i haven't really seen them since then. My mom met another guy moved him in and he started raping me at the age of 8 and went on till i was 15 when i met an older guy on a gaming site. my moms fiance at the time beat me and my sister all the time. beat my mother, threatened us, abused us physically, mentally, and emotionally.me and the older guy i met on a gaming site started "dating" online,and 4 months into talking to him i opened up to him and told him what my moms fiance at the time was doing to me. He called cps and that sick pig got sent to jail. i stuck with the older guy for two more years while he also emotionally scarred me, controlled me. accused me all the time of sleeping with my moms new bf at the time. accused me of cheating on him with everyone. i found a job and this got progressively worse till i finally learned i deserved better. i felt lonely but good about myself for awhile,then started to feel like a loser again.
I was taken out of public school in 8th grade and homeschooled so i couldn't be around guys my own age. As a result of this i haven't had any friends since 8th grade. While being homeschooled i was stuck watching my little brother(at the time he was a year and a half) all day long 5 days a week. i watched him like this for 3 years.
im now 18 almost 19, i work in retail where i feel like everyone hates me, i have a bf who is 24, who also works at the same job with me, i have my permit but no license, i got my ged about 3 months ago, might be starting college in a few months and yet i feel like a pathetic loser who's accomplishing nothing. I feel like i know nothing, or very little. i stopped homeschooling in 10th grade after that sick pig got locked up and realized i would have to get my ged anyways..not like i was doing the homeschool work properly anyway. so since the 8th grade i haven't really learned anything else.
i like working but hate my job.everyone is friendly to your face but its like highschool. the girls are prettier than me, all in college, pretty and ditzy but everyone loves them. they all talk about fashion, and really girly stuff. all of them are thin, have perfect hair,perfect skin, wear nice clothes, and have friends all around them. i feel so ugly, fat and meaningless compared to them. everytime i go to work i see how people talk to them how people seem to be around them at all times everywhere they go. i feel like everytime i talk to anyone they try as hard as possible to get away. and to make me feel worse about myself it seems like my bf flirts with all of the girls there. i dont blame him i'm as dull and boring as they come, and they all have super bubbly personalities. my bf also has tons of friends, hes confident with himself, been in college, has his license, smartest person i've ever met, a bit nerdy at times, but really amazing, everyone loves him, everywhere he goes people talk to him, love him, make friends with him. i feel like im not good enough, i feel like he ignores me at work and is constantly around all the other girls, checking them out, flirting with them. this makes me feel every more worthless than i already feel. i can't wear short like those girls do when i was younger i gained alot of weight very quickly from depression and got stretch marks on my inner thighs, the backs of my knees and right below the back of my knee. there very ugly and disgusting. i lost the weight but the stretch marks make it so i wont wear shorts, skirts dresses i can't wear flip flops cuz my toe nails are green from my mom putting socks on my feet right out of the bath through my entire childhood. i lost weight without excercising so my entire body is squishy and jiggly. this makes me feel even more disgusting. my face turns red from embarrasment whenever i do anything wrong, red when i talk to people most of the time from nervousness. i hate everything about me. my face breaks out all the time, i feel very manly, and unappealing. everytime im at work with my bf i want to cry because he always has so much to say to the other girls, and i always catch his glancing over their body. i was his first "sexual experience" and he was my first consensual experience. he's below average and has pre ***********. he watches **** alot, masturbates alot, and i feel like everytime i touch him he loses his erection. i feel like i can't do anything right. i don't have any friends still, i feel like his friends dislike me but deal with me for his sake. he tells me he loves me, but think he only started saying it because he thought i expected it. i feel like with my family im the parent and i have to keep them all from doing stupid things. i have so much stress about everything in life, most of the time all i want to do is go to sleep and then when i wake up all i want to do is stay in bed because i know nothing that will happen today can be any better than something i can dream of. other than my part time crappy retail job, and once in a blue moon hanging out with my bf, i do nothing all day except sleep, sit around, and go on my computer to realize i have no life, and nothing to do on the computer, so i sit around some more. my hair falls out like crazy i feel as though im going bald even though there's no bald spots just yet. my hair is dry and looks awful. my nose is full of black heads and keep breaking out on my forehead and nose. im ugly and look very manly. my body has stretch marks everywhere, my boobs are small and saggy, and my entire body is squishy and jiggly. my teeth are yellow from being around my mother who smokes all the time since i was born, i have spaces in between my teeth. i know less than my 12 year old sister, i have the social skills of shutin that has been hiding under a rock for 15 years. i feel so self conscious all the time like people are judging me everywhere i go. i hate leaving my bed. i hate feeling like im a waste of space, good for nothing but helping my mom take care of the kids, and helping pay the bills. i hate feeling like this all the time. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry my life away.
livetodream livetodream
18-21, F
May 6, 2012