Jealousy Is Killing Me

I know I probably sound like a loser, but I'm a really jealous person. I don't like to lose, especially at studies. I live in an Asian country, and the students at my school are especially studious.

I used to have this friend. She was new and she started to talk to me so I decided to get to know her. I actually tried to be nice to her and all, and even my friends got pissed that I was always around her. But all along I knew she wouldn't stick because she was better than me. She wasn't the type of person to be hanging around with me. Then over the summer, as expected, she packed her bags and ditched me without a word into a new friend group. Never speaks to me at all now, and I heard rumors of saying "She and her friends only talk about music. It was boring", 'she' referring to me. Now whenever I look at her, I'm jealous. She's better off now, being the best student in our school, all pretty, cheerleader, not acknowledging my presence at all. I'm so embarrassed to be around her because people know: "Oh yeah, she was ditched by her."

Entering high school, it's been tough, since all of my friends and I are in some sort of mental war. We're always fighting to get the better grades, and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could rip up their test papers, make them forget the homework, make them lose. I hate myself for thinking this way because they're my friends, but I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing them gloating in my face.

Whenever they get a better grade than me, they hold a celebration. "I cannot BELIEVE I got better than you! But you're [insert full name]! OMG I actually beat you! This isn't like you!" This leaves me feeling incredibly pissed and even more jealous than ever.

Sometimes I want to just leave the world. Everyone's better than me, taller than me, prettier, smarter. I'm not good at anything. They tell me it too, to my face. They compare me to everyone. Okay. I know it, that I'm the most flawed person ever.

Why do I need friends anyway? The only thing they do is bring me down. I just want to escape and live in a world without friends. I don't need them, I can just live by myself. Can't I?

15074a 15074a
18-21, F
May 8, 2012