No Hope Left So I;m Accepting I'm Just A Piece Of Trash

My story will start at age 5, that was when I was a happy little girl with blonde hair ready to explore the world. I had issues at home, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, all 5 of us. Mom, dad, brother sister and me. My dad was a drunk and a mean one at that. There were many nights of chaos and abuse, mostly for my mom and my half brother. I hated my dad but beg as I might she would not leave him.

We lived at the base of Pikes Peak in Manitou Springs Colorado. I was born in Dallas, but have no memory of Texas. I loved spring and summer, I loved being outside. I explored, swam, climbed trees and caught grass snakes. There was no drama out here. One night that all ended, my brother who was 14 started molesting me. Not long after that a neighbor started doing the same, then his uncle. This went on for years. I can't remember how they got me not to tell, but I didn't.

When I started 3rd grade the beginning of my "unknown time gap" began. That is to say early in the school year I quit having memories for nearly 2 years. I have no idea where I was, what i did, where I lived, if I went to school, nothing. No one in my family will answer those questions either. They all play dumb, can't remember where it was so good.I am unable to even attain any school records for those 2 years and the records for 5th grade which on the emmission form It said records unavailable, student tested into grade 5. I have a suspiousion that I was held by someone during this time fram,'

From this point on my quest was to find friends and love, someone who loved me. I was excited to start making friends and to find a boyfriend who really loved me (ha). I was very poor, which eliminated everything but the nerds and freaks, but I went for it. I never fit in with any group I tried, they may be nice, but I was never one of them. I was too hyper or bubble or blonde or small chested or too sensetive. For whatever reason I was tolerated, but still on outside lookig in.

 I was only looking for love and accptance, which I never got at home from the alcoholic father and the borderline personality disorder mother. They never attended one track meet, one concert, one play or parent teacher conference. My mom claiming she was too shy and my dad couldn't hear well and did not was to be embarrased because of it. I knew he only had slight hearing loss. I eventually quit all extracirricular activities.

I did excel at work in various positions for corporations, getting promoted very quickly, but my sosial life never imporoved. I did have a few friends that I didi things with from time to time, but if I failed to show when I said I woulld no one even noticed. I also had many phone conversations saying let me call you right back, then nothing. I was forgetable or invisible and too strange for anyone to want in their clique.

My second boyfriend came when I was 27 and lasted for 5 years. I never measured up to expectations though, never did enough, never acted right. I became an embarrasement to him. One day I come home from a visit with my mother and find the house empty of everything but my clothes, my daughters clothes and toys and thats it. Everything else was gone, even my daughters furniture, not even a towel. The next day I find my bank account and my daughters account emptied - 6 thousand in mine 3 in my daughters. Balance 0.

For 5 years I did not even go on one date. I figured there was no one for me so I was just gonna work, raise my daughter and live my life. Then he came into the picture. Introduced by a friend at work from day one we were together. He was good at first, minus an occasional explosion. That was how it was for the first 4 1/2 years, then we moved to his home town and it all changed. Suddenly I could do no right. What he used to think of as taking care of things he now called controlling. What he used to laugh at now irritated him. What he used to tease me about now became focused anger.

There was no love in his eyes, and no joy in his face around me. He nit-picked everything includin how I stacked the dishwasher, which for 4 1/2 was fine. I asked to quit being so negative, to let me know what he liked about me too.. I told him I didn't feel very loved anymore. I was told I was oversensetive, pathetic and a victim. It got so bad 2 years after arriving here I started acting the same way to him. I told him you going to make me that miserable I will make you that miserable too, so you know what it feels like.

He didn't take it well - at all. I was the suddenly the abuser and him a innocent victim. He would not acknowledge any fault, change any action, apologize under any circumstance and always pointed me out as the reason there was any problem. I gave him an altimatem, change your behavior or go. I never hear the cruel things that came out of his mouth in my entire life.

I can never be loved, no one can stay with me. I have problems in my private areas (you imagine whatever) I was a horrible mother, cook, housewife and I was a gold digger who had used him for 7 years. He spoke to me as if there was no one in the world he hated more than me. Then he left packing his stuff and going. Never done that before either.

So I sit here, messed up from 2 years of verbal abuse, dealing with a breakup and flooded with all the rejection I have had in my life. I guess I do not deserve any happiness. I will never have a healthly relationship, and I am stuck a long way from home with no job, no car no money and zero support as that had all been taken from me bit by bit over the last 7 years. I have not even seen my friends in more than 6 years. My parents have both passed as did my brother, my aunt and uncle, leaving 0 family to reach out to.

God, or the universe or karma or whatever is out there must really hate me, I appear to be made for nothing other than a object to be used and disposed of when finished. I have no more hope, there is no next time, next time is another ******* taking what he wants and tossing the rest. I am invisible to most, barely noticed by friends and not really cared for by anybody. No one who thinks I am special.

I have been a loyal friend, faithful girlfriend, trustworth guest. I offer friendship without betrayal and a promise of empathy when needed. No takers though, I am an alien here, and no one wants me or what I am as a person. I have no value, and I have no influence over anyone. I figure "I am just a piece of trash" and I will just let others use me and throw me away cuz thats what I was made for to begin with. Never should I expect anything in return, I shouldn't even ask for anything. I am a doormat or a pile of **** on the bottom of someones shoe, and there is nothing I know how to do that can change that. No happiness is owed to me, misery was the only hand I was dealt. There was no reason I went through the early abuse, cutting a path to my destiny, maybe helping others, nope. My destiny is to be the toilet paper next to the toilet. Some destiny isn't it?
pieceoftrash pieceoftrash
41-45, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

No one deserves that. And you're obviously an intelligent, caring woman so you definitely deserve better. I know it's hard but don't let their failures drag you down. I agree with the others; you need someone to talk to. You've come this far, you stood up for yourself. Don't give up on yourself now. There are good people out there.

To those of you who took the time to read my story and send words of kindness my way I want to say thank you.
I hear what each of you are saying, the same things I have told myself day after day, year after year. It was the only thing that carried me to the next day on many occassions. I have spent a huge block of my life in therapy including outpatient at facility for 6 months, 2 1/2 years one on one with a therapist, 6 years in 12 step programs and a small amount of time with church support services.
There is always two constants that never changed in any of this. One is my upbringing was so devoid of any healthy bonds, coping mechanisms or social interactions I perceive the world in a very different way than anyone I have ever met. Second very few people are open to any type of relationship with me, and those who do, well I just don't mean that much to them.
According to my therapist I developed a abnormal hypersensitivity to others emotions, a defense mechanism caused from my mother and her constant sucide attempts and mental breakdowns.
I have gone through life feeling what others felt, especially in reguards to me. No matter what words came out of their mouth, I felt the truth along with the underlying fears, prejudices etc. I have subconsiously responded to them based on the emotional feed I received and not their words.
I believe this freaks people out, makes them mad, intimidates them and challenges the very persona most put up as their public face.
I know that this could be a very valuable tool to help elevate myself in life, but not for me. I do not feel using it for my own gain is right in any way.
It is really a curse, imagine being able to feel each time your partner doubted their feelings for you or when they contemplated to stay with you or not. Or imagine sitting in a meeting with 40 of your co-workers and knowing exactly who did not like you, or did not like you outshining them. I am just too weird, too alien, to not like any others. I even told everyone goodbye on facebook and deactivaed my account for a few days, not one person noticed, not one, not even the son I put up for adoption 26 years ago that I was reunited with in February. He did not even notice. I am tired, I am discouraged and I am disappointed because I believe I deserve more, I have so much to give, but no one wants it.....and I am tired of offering.

The way that you describe your difficulty in social interactions brings something to mind that I have long known; our culture does little more than just pay lip-service to the value of openness and honesty. Being open and honest quite often brings trouble—we're taught that when we're little. Hang in there sweetheart; there are few that truly appreciate that, but finding one will make you happier than you ever believed possible, and you will find that calm comes, too.

You do deserve happiness; I wish that you were here, I could use a good friend. I agree with what Hylie said, and I hope that you will get some help; it is possible to find happiness.

*pulls you out of dumpster, dusts you off*<br />
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No, you have to figure out what an abusive guy looks like, and you have to get help for all the damage that's happened...<br />
I had (note past tense)2 years mostly missing in my mind also, that sounds really ominous...I want you to get helped, look for someone who has a specialty in trauma.<br />
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Look for community organizations...or for a community mental health center, you may be able to get therapy for free or really cheap. There's also Adult Children Of Alcoholics (ACoA), which has free support groups.<br />
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You deserve better than these losers who left you.