I Envy Others

I envy others because of their freedom. If they get sick of being around me, they can walk out of the room. They can take a bus downtown, or to another county. They can drive across the continental USA or take a plane to the other side of the world... miles between us. They can turn off their phone and delete their email and never have to think of me again.
I don't get this luxury.

I hate myself because I'm dependent. Because I can never do anything on my own. Because I am weak.
I hate myself because I've pushed away everyone who's ever loved and cared for me. I hate myself because I can't trust anyone.
I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself because I've hurt people. I hate myself because I can't apologize.
I hate myself because I'm fat and because of my stretch marks. I hate myself because I pull my hair out like a freak.
I hate myself because most days I can hardly summon the strength to get out of bed at all. I lay dreaming, wishing that I could escape into sleep and never emerge.
And I hate myself because every day I convince everyone around me that I'm fine. I'm not. I hate myself because I'm cruel to myself. Because I'm my own worst enemy. I hate myself because I hate myself so much.
I feel like I was a mistake, a terrible, ugly self-loathing creature that was never intended to be given the breath of life. I wish something could take that breath back from me and just let me rest in eternal peace, free from this chaotic suffering and contradictory life. I hope I burn in hell because I deserve it. Heaven should never be contaminated by me.

Sometimes, I dream of flying off a building or over a waterfall. A few seconds of precious freedom, freefalling...
Sometimes, I dream of falling asleep on a quiet winter evening and simply never opening my eyes again.
I wish I could walk out of the room and leave me behind, I wish I could leave the state or the country and start anew. I wish I didn't have to live with myself, but I was never given a choice.
I envy others because of their freedom.
I envy others because they are not me.
accidentals accidentals
1 Response May 11, 2012

I wish the same things. But i would be okay with only one: someone, who loves me, who accepts me, so i wouldn't be alone. I am also fat, but moreover, i'm disgusting, and i don't even look like a human being. I look like a big fat.. something.. i don't know.. i should just die. So, it's becoming a whining, i stop it. I just wanted to say, that you are not the only one...