I Know This Is Not Home

 
They fought again. Today. Just now. Screamed at each other, at the top of their lungs. Cursed each other. Said awful things at each other. Threatened one another that they're leaving each other. And yeah, I know it will not be the last they will fight again. Ofcourse, unless one of them really leave. I hate this life. I search and try to find reason why I should continue living this life. And the only reason that I came up is because Jesus would not like it if I take my own life. Yeah, I'm a believer. And God is the only reason that keeps me alive in this world. He's my everything. I guess if I haven't got a chance to know Him, I'd be dead long time ago. I know I'm a suicidal type of person. I've read that it pass through genes but we have no history of suicides in our family. I'm always drawn to books and anime with that suicidal theme. And that's what drawn me to this group in EP, too. I really believe in my whole heart that God exists. And also know we have a special place called home in heaven. When there's no sorrows, no more pains, no negative, no more drowning in tears, no more restless night, no everything that is bad. Yeah. And I also know that people will not be cursing each other there. It will be just about peace, love and God. And isn't that place wonderful? I long to wake up one day with God beside me. Where all of my sufferings, fears, and pains would be nowhere to be found. If I could only take my life. But I can't, because doing that would not take me to my Heavenly Father's side, it would just draw me way way far from Him. And that's the last thing the I would ever want to happen. I've already asked God to take my life, to put a period in this awful life. But He's not doing it and I know He has reasons for that. He is God after all. He only do what's best for us.

I have no idea how long will I wait for the Lord to come take me home. This world, this life, this everything, I know there's more to what he created us for than all of these. And that is by the Lord's side. I don't know when He'll take me home. So yeah, for now, I'll still go on with this life. Holding to his promise that he will return. And I know He will. This life, this house, everything around me now, I know this is not home. I'm not home yet. But I'll be when He takes me home.


 
stillGoingOnWithLife stillGoingOnWithLife
18-21, F
May 13, 2012