I Hate Myself

Back Here Again...

By: hylierandom

Written on May 14th, 2012

I've been better...
But I guess that was just a fluke.
I'm feeling so hopeless and tired again, and it's my fault.
....This is a place of odd comfort for me...when I am like this, it can't get much worse.
So it's safe.
Being happy isn't safe.
I don't want to be happy and I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of trying to get better.
I never stay better.

Why should I trust myself when I always let me down?
Why should I try when it always comes back to this, the exhaustion, the self-loathing, the sadness, the self-disgust?
I hate being me, I hate it.

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By: hylierandom

Age: 36-40

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17 responses

helpless123

i wish i knew the answer to this problem it haunts me everyday sometimes i feel being miserable is much better than being happy because that feeling makes me so vulnerable i just wish it wasn't this difficult...

Nov 3, 2012
2 likes
dead6

if u ever find ur answers just let me know

Aug 14, 2012
1 like
- hylierandom
  Sadly...I think it's always going to be a struggle...I cycle through feeling awful periodically. Hope you're doing ok ATM.
  
  Aug 14, 2012
  1 like
Chicago3232

Sorry you feel that way.

Aug 14, 2012
1 like
Allarhiana

Dear one, I do understand how easy it is to allow yourself to slip back into that "safe place" we have forged inside ourselves. Too many times it feels the battle is futile, and that we should give up even trying. This too has been beaten into you one way or another, and is part of the "programming".

Please, please, please... refuse to give up... giving up only allows them to win. Despite what we have been taught, we each deserve love and happiness in our lives. Hard as it is to believe this, it IS true, and it IS worth the effort. Even though our moments of happiness may be few and far between, each of those moments is a victory over our abusers.

You have survived this far, which is testament to your inner strength. Each day we manage to scratch our way through our pain is a victory. Each victory makes us stronger. The stronger we become, the more frequently we can find those fleeting happy moments.

I believe in you, others believe in you. Please try to take strength from this and believe in yourself.

May 24, 2012
3 likes
- hylierandom
  I have gotten better...I'm prone to lose myself and forget that these things pass.
  
  May 24, 2012
  1 like
- undonepuzzle
  This is very kind and encouraging...
  
  Oct 1, 2012
  1 like
woundeddragon

(((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))) Hang in there and yes it is worth getting better even if you don't always stay better... you are worth being happy.. good luck my friend

May 15, 2012
4 likes
CopperCoil

hang in there kid.. it comes and goes in waves, all we can do sometimes is ride it.. but the worst is when we get sea sick like you are now. it'll pass. but then it will be back again, then pass, then back again.. such is our lot on life.

May 14, 2012
2 likes
- hylierandom
  ~sigh~ true that...thx.
  
  May 14, 2012
  1 like
lonelysandygreen

I can relate to you.. But try to let the time pass maybe there's something better to happen. Don't expect anything that way you would be happy to get what you get..

Hugs.

May 14, 2012
2 likes
unQuenched

I think that you have accepted a valuation of yourself that was imposed on you, and happiness cannot be had from there, Hylie; reject that which has been imposed and find your birthright. Fight, Hylie, fight; find your birthright and the joy of life.

May 14, 2012
2 likes
- hylierandom
  I'll try, I just feel whomped on ATM.
  
  May 15, 2012
  1 like
lafsnack

You poor thing Hylier, and non of it is your fault.

May 14, 2012
2 likes
- hylierandom
  Nah, it is my fault. I know how to get better, I just don't feel worth the effort.
  
  May 14, 2012
  1 like
- lafsnack
  But the overwhelming originality of thrse feelings you have are not your fault. I know you like a good aguement and have to be right all the time, but what i am saying is correct!!
  
  May 14, 2012
  1 like
- hylierandom
  ...maybe...
  
  May 14, 2012
  1 like

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