I Can't Stand Who I Am

I hate everything about myself. I wake up, hating myself. I go to bed, hating myself. I am a 20 year old girl who can't stand the very site of herself in a mirror. At 20, I should be going to a university, going to parties, talking to boys, living the college lifestyle. Instead I am going to a community college because I was too nervous for a university, I am rarely going out of my house, and I never talk to boys. I don't know what has happened to me. Back in high school, I was viewed as one of the pretty girls. I was fun, outgoing, had a good sense of humor. Up until I was 15, my life was perfect and my self confidence was higher than ever. Maybe this is too personal, but I need to get my entire story out there and maybe someone will read it and relate. When i was 15 I was raped and sexually assaulted by a group of boys at a party. It took me 3 months to come out and say anything, I just wanted to pretend it never happened and make it go away, and maybe I should have. It was all over the paper and everyone at my high school knew about it. I was ridiculed and under the scrutiny of every eye at my school. I became severely depressed and missed over a year of school because I couldn't bring myself to face it. Ever since then, I have been struggling to find my old self and have yet to do so. I hate myself, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate my personality. I pray that I will get in a car accident and die a painless death because I don't have the guts to kill myself. The only person who truly loves and cares for me is my mother, and I don't have the heart to take the life of her only daughter. But it's too hard sometimes... I'm not pretty, funny, outgoing, witty, anything that a 20 year old girl should be. I feel like I do nothing but take up space on this earth and I can't stop feeling like this. Anyway, I just wanted to share my story, maybe someone else has felt this way and has seen a brighter day.
tammyt312 tammyt312
18-21, F
2 Responses May 17, 2012

The hardest advice in the world to take is our own....or so I've found.

Well I can't say that I went through anything like you did as a teenager, but I can relate to the feeling of worthlessness in my general life. I guess having never gone through something traumatic like that I sometimes feel bad for feeling bad about myself like I don't have a right to, yet I still DO feel that way. Ugh...<br />
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I'm sorry that you have to feel that way too.

you don't have to have gone through something traumatic to feel that way, sometimes i wonder if maybe i hadn't gone through it would i still be like this. it's the most awful feeling because you only have one life and shouldn't we be living it to the fullest? but this feeling stops me... it's the worst

i'm so sorry that you feel worthless it's silly of me to say that you aren't because i should be taking my own advice, but you aren't worthless