A Toxic BeingDo you ever feel that you are poisonous? That your flaws, your hurts, and your imperfections diminish the value of the lives you touch?
I am an imperfect being. I get hurt. I have problems. I bottle big things up. And I complain about little things too much.
I trust my friends to help me. To listen to me. This has historically poisoned them against those friends close enough to me to cause me problems. One might even make the case that my negative feelings and constant complaining KILLED one of these friends last year. So I bottle things away, which makes me appear shallow, aloof, and untrustworthy to those that say they want to help me. And of course, when I do finally open up, I waste their time, and further poison their lives by my negativity.
I am toxic. I feel that my existence, as I am, makes the world a less beautiful place to be.
I want to believe I am a good person. I really do want to help people and be a sincere friend. All that seems to do is get people close to me, trusting me, so my own ineptitude and untrustworthy traits do more damage than mere disappointment ever could. My failed attempts to be a good person and a steadfast friend are the most cruel acts I commit. Followed closely by taking advantage of good people and steadfast friends elsewhere in my life.
I am afraid to get in relationships any longer. Scenarios go through my head, where I meet someone who is interested in me. How will I tell these people, should they ever appear, that I will devastate them? That they should run from me?
And honestly, if you are reading this, you are probably nodding your head, since I'm making a good case for being exactly the polluting, toxicity radiating creature I claim to be.
How does one fix this? Do I fake an aura of happiness and let no one in? Do I keep on as I am, driving my friends from me in whimpering spells of anguish and endless complaints about meaningless tripe?
I keep wanting to quarantine myself until I fix it. It hasn't worked, but in my addled brain it's the only solution that makes sense.